- Annie Edison: Chang was faking his Changnesia?
- Troy Barnes: They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?
- Shirley Bennett: After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher.
- Abed Nadir: That's insane, and I'm Abed.
- Abed Nadir: I've been spending so much time with computers, your tears are just ones and zeroes to me.
- Shirley Bennett: Yeah, you were a real Hallmark card before.
- Dean Pelton: [Over the PA system] Welcome back, human beings. Dean Pelton here, wishing you another magic year at Greendale, ranked America's number two community college by GreendaleCommunityCollege.Com. Regarding the recent tragedy surrounding a certain collapsed bridge, we will be observing a moment of silence on the quad followed by four years of silence to the press.
- Jeff Winger: Well, I can't stop thinking this school might be in trouble because of this bridge-collapsing guy.
- Britta Perry: He's the one making bad bridges. That's like me blaming owls for how much I suck at analogies.
- Abed Nadir: Repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season nine of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.
- Troy Barnes: Son of a bitch. After everything Scrubs did for him?
- Jeff Winger: You're an amateur monster, Alan, and you stomped on the grave of a real monster, who was willing to stay buried, because real monsters have shame. Because they wish that - You're not worth the monologue.
- Jeff Winger: What's important is that, no matter what, we'll all be trying to talk Britta into doing something different... together.
- Dean Pelton: It's not easy being Dean, Jeffrey!
- Jeff Winger: Then stop being the Dean!
- Dean Pelton: It's my whole ideantity! I mean, wah, see what I did there? That's proof!
- Jeff Winger: Get your crap together. Your job is not to hand out degrees. Your job is to make this a toilet that people don't have to be crazy to care about.
- Dean Pelton: But you could stay here and help me save the school.
- Jeff Winger: For how much money?
- Dean Pelton: I-I can't offer you any money. I could offer you a job.
- Jeff Winger: You just described slavery.
- Annie Edison: Speaking of irony, how's the therapy market? Depressed?
- Britta Perry: I'm on sabbatical.
- Troy Barnes: You're Jewish?
- Britta Perry: I'm doing hands-on research about the psychology of alcoholism.
- Shirley Bennett: You're a bartender, aren't you?
- Britta Perry: Which is basically like a modern-day therapist. If somebody tells me about a murder, I can't tell anyone.
- Troy Barnes: Wow, you're even bad at bartending.
- Dean Pelton: You're here to save me, aren't you?
- Jeff Winger: Yes. I thought I might contact alumni to form a committee... The Save Greendale Committee. Working title.
- Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, I'm gonna cry.
- Jeff Winger: Please don't.
- Dean Pelton: Request denied.
- Jeff Winger: Look, I might be broke, desperate, and nearly homeless, but I still got one thing deep down inside that gives me power...
- [the man taking away his furniture takes the whisky glass form his hand]
- Jeff Winger: That was it. That was all I had.
- Alan Connor: You hear about that bridge that collapsed upstate?
- Jeff Winger: A human could've said that without salivating.
- Alan Connor: I represent Marvin Humphries, the engineer who designed it. He wants to seek damages.
- Jeff Winger: From what? His own pencil?
- Alan Connor: Jeff, this case was all I had. I am screwed! My wife left. My girlfriend dumped me. And they're sisters, so now the whole family's pissed.
- Annie Edison: Abed, you quit? You said you got fired. You haven't paid the rent of our apartment in two months.
- Britta Perry: Well, why don't you sell him a pill that will help him give up on his dreams?
- Annie Edison: Relaxabrex doesn't make you give up on your dreams, that's a side effect. At least the drugs I sell don't get slurped out of my belly button.
- Britta Perry: That's only on Tummy Tuesdays!
- Jeff Winger: Troy, your entire identity has been consumed by your relationship with another man.
- Troy Barnes: You found my Clive Owen Tumblr.
- Ben Chang: I'm on work release from house arrest, but I don't have a home. See this? This won't let me travel 100 yards from this, and this only has a 30-yard cord. So I can only travel...
- [tries to figure it out]
- Ben Chang: Whatever, you do the math.
- Jeff Winger: You said you teach math.
- Ben Chang: Exactly. I teach it. You do it.