- Pierce Hawthorne: Ah, the barbershop. A reminder of a bygone era when men were men, and women were sex cooks who did laundry. I've been getting a daily shave here for decades.
- Jeff Winger: And apparently, reading the same eight magazines the entire time.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah, National Geographic's got some tribal boob shots that are exquisite. There's something about a breast that's never been touched by white hands.
- Jeff Winger: You are a complicated man.
- [texts Annie, "When will this hell end?"]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hey, Jeff, there you are. I was thinking we could swing by this great barbershop I know. You're looking a little stubbly, and nobody handles a razor like an Italian. They develop nimble fingers from pleasing their mistresses.
- Jeff Winger: Thank you for opening my eyes to two new stereotypes.
- Dean Pelton: Abed, I told you we're not doing the fraternity idea.
- Abed Nadir: The Delta Cubes will never die. We've only just begun to fight.
- Dean Pelton: You only began yesterday.
- Dean Pelton: Magnitude, you're not to say "pop pop" ever again.
- Magnitude: [Looks as though his whole existence is crumbing] Not... pop?
- Dean Pelton: Archie, wake up!
- Archie: Chillax, bro. It's not even noon.
- Dean Pelton: I will neither chill nor relax.
- Dean Pelton: ...I will explain the value of this whale by describing one who's been swimming right under your nose. Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80% of Greendale's classes more than twice. He is the only Greendale student who has ever paid for a premium locker or the extended pencil warranty.
- Dean Pelton: Greendale is a nice welcome banner. Greendale is a foamless cafeteria. And Greendale is Magnitude saying "pop pop." Now, I am a man of very little integrity, and I let students get away with practically anything on this campus, but I will not allow Greendale to lose the things that make it Greendale.
- Shirley Bennett: I started a new PE class. I've been avoiding it for three years, but you can't run from running forever.
- Coach Chapman: Excellent job, coach Bennett. You have the spatial reasoning skills of a young Kevin Miller,
- [Gets blank stares]
- Coach Chapman: A really good PE teacher I know.
- Britta Perry: This is a slippery slope.
- Dean Pelton: Well, City College slipped that slope when they slipped him that scooter, but they sure slipped up when they let him set foot on our soil.
- Dean Pelton: I, for one, am still proud of what we did for Greendale.
- Magnitude: [Emerges from the back of the study room] I've been up all night trying out new catchphrases.
- [Half-heartedly]
- Magnitude: Diggity doo?
- Dean Pelton: My God, what have we done?
- Carl: We need this whale money. The kid likes snowboarding. Maybe Shaun White finds his way on the faculty roster. He likes to party. Maybe Greendale suddenly has a frat. The Delta Cubes, or whatever.
- [Abed raises an eyebrow]
- Britta Perry: Dean, you're not considering this, are you?
- Dean Pelton: No, no. Greendale stands on its own. No hookers, no blow, no Shaun White frat.
- Abed Nadir: College dean threatening a fraternity...
- [Stands up dramatically]
- Abed Nadir: You'll never shut down the Delta Cubes.
- Dean Pelton: What?
- Abed Nadir: [Leaves, chanting] Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!
- Annie Edison: Guys, I'm asking, as treasurer of the forensics club. The Dean said we could use some of the whale money for a new body farm.
- Jeff Winger: Actually, you can count me in on this one.
- Shirley Bennett, Dean Pelton, Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: What?
- Jeff Winger: You had me at "no Pierce."
- Dean Pelton: Age, 22, total years spent in high school, seven. Sat score zero. And he was recently arrested for selling marijuana to a police officer at a police station.
- Britta Perry: So, you want us to help you recruit this idiot instead of an honors student or a science genius?
- Jeff Winger: [sarcastically] Do we go to the same Greendale?
- Dean Pelton: Ah, but let me reveal the fortune inside this cookie. Family net worth, $8 million. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we in the community college recruiting game call a "whale." The perfect mix of low intellect, high lack of ambition, and limitless parental support.
- Jeff Winger: So, a rich dumb-dumb who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it.
- Richie: Tour sucks, bro.
- Dean Pelton: What?
- Richie: You gotta think big. Hookers, blow, hookers.
- [Jeff raises eyebrows in disbelief]
- Carl: He's been mixing, but there is some wisdom there.
- Abed Nadir: [addresses a line of seven male students, standing at attention, each wearing a diaper, a delta cube t-shirt, a blue bonnet and a pacifier hanging from a white ribbon around the wearer's neck] Delta Cubes! Prepare to bond through embarrassment. Pacifiers in! Commence...
- [Craig, Annie, Britta and Archie come into view]
- Abed Nadir: Code Dean! Code Dean!
- [Abed and fraternity candidates scatter]
- Dean Pelton: Gosh dean it, Abed! I told you, no fraternities!
- Dean Pelton: Oh, you look pretty sad for someone whose forensics club can now afford that state-of-the-art body farm. Mmm! I can smell the corpses now.
- Dean Pelton: Now, I am a man of very little integrity, and I let students get away with practically anything on this campus...
- Sassy Granny: [Britta and Troy are in bed watching a commercial on a Troy's laptop] Get your damn hand off of my Let's!
- [Britta and Troy chuckle]
- Troy Barnes: Honestly, after all that, you still eat Splingles?
- Britta Perry: Uh, yeah, Troy. Splingles have 30% less fat. They're the fit chip.
- Troy Barnes: You know, I kinda have a headache. Maybe you should go home.
- [closes laptop]
- Shirley Bennett: I thought you dropped PEE.
- Troy Barnes: I did, but I lost my keys in the mocker. I had to hitchhike home last night in a burrito truck. It's not as fun as it sounds.
- Troy Barnes: Physical education education? I thought that was a typo in the course cartalogue.
- [sic]
- Coach Chapman: It started as a typo, but it's grown into one of Greendale's most successful programs.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I think all a man needs in life is a close shave, a cold beer, and you know, maybe a faithful dog.
- [...]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Mine was Walter, a German Shepherd. Followed me to school every day. I'd look out the window, and there he was, dropping a steaming fat one on the lawn.