Community (TV Series)

Intro to Knots (2013)

Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Jeff Winger : Annie, what is this?

  Annie Edison : Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

  Jeff Winger : You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.

  Annie Edison : I don't see it that way.

  Jeff Winger : Well, I do, and I think the others will too.

  Shirley Bennett : [knocks on the door and comes in]  Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

  Shirley Bennett : Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.

  Annie Edison : It's a work in progress.

  Troy Barnes : [he and Britta come in]  Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.

  Britta Perry : I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.

  Jeff Winger : There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

• Annie Edison : Look at us! Our group's first grown-up Christmas party. Thanks for hosting. I hope you don't mind I brought a few things just to make the place look less short-term corportate housing.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

• Jeff Winger : [as Dark Jeff]  Your honor, I may not have a right arm, but I am armed with what's right.

• Professor Cornwallis : This is actually a felony. I mean, I will call the police, and you will all go to jail.

  Jeff Winger : Let me explain to you why you won't do that.

  Troy Barnes : First, he's tied up.

• Jeff Winger : A "C-minus" is not a failing grade.

  Annie Edison : To me, it is. I'm on a Valedictorian track, and a "C-minus" means I fail to get Valedictorian.

  Jeff Winger : You ruined our Christmas dinner so you could be crowned the smartest person at the dumbest school?

• Annie Edison : This wouldn't have happened if Jeff hadn't taunted him.

  Jeff Winger : No, it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't decided a "C-minus" isn't good enough. When are you gonna grow up and realize that grades don't matter outside of school?

  Annie Edison : That's a lie they tell dumb people when they're fitting them for work boots.

• Jeff Winger : [group opening gifts]  By the way, I didn't get anyone gifts, so my gift to you all is you get to lord it over me for the next year.

  Annie Edison : No, stupid, a gift doesn't create an obligation. It's the obligation that's a gift.

  [Jeff looks confused] 

• Annie Edison : No one wants to screw the group.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, you see that, professor? Your offer actually made it harder for you to get untied, because no one wants to be the betrayer.

  Professor Cornwallis : Beware the Ides of March, Mr. Winger. Everyone wants to be the betrayer.

  Jeff Winger : What the hell is your game?

  Professor Cornwallis : I'm trying to teach you history. Your failure will be the same as any self-obsessed nation. You only care about each other when you're winning. The Romans loved Rome when it was raping half the world, but when Hannibal came charging over the Alps, the Romans turned on themselves as quickly as you can say, "e pluribus unum."

  Troy Barnes : I'm pretty sure it's "anus."

• Professor Cornwallis : Good news, Mr. Winger. You may remove your lips from my buttocks, because you have in fact succeeded in changing your grade. It's now an "F".

  Jeff Winger : What?

  Annie Edison : You're "F" -ing us?

• Jeff Winger : I tanked my section. I knew you guys would all work hard, so I just coasted. Tom Waits was-...

  Annie Edison : [Punches him]  You cost me Valedictorian!

  Shirley Bennett : He cost *me* Valedictorian. That was my punch.

• Jeff Winger : I'm just saying the Professor can't get any more tied up, and we can't get any less than an "F", so let's just take a beat and think this through.

  Abed Nadir : Okay, this is way better than Die Hard in a restaurant.

• Jeff Winger : There's seven sections to the paper. Annie gets an "A", Pierce buys his from Neil, so that's solid. And then you guys get "B"s and "C"s, so, I figured if my section gets an "F", the worst we could end up with is a "C-minus."

  Britta Perry : So you just left your section blank?

  Jeff Winger : No, of course not. I copied and pasted the lyrics to War, What Is It Good For?

• Jeff Winger : The grade isn't etched in stone. These British guys like to socialize with their students. We just need to show him a good time, laugh at his jokes, love whatever he loves, and by the end of the night I bet you we can get that grade back up to a "C."

  Annie Edison : Who knows? Maybe even an "A."

  Jeff Winger : Or something realistic.

• Jeff Winger : Can I show you around, starting with the bar?

  Professor Cornwallis : A lovely place. Very feminine.

  Britta Perry : [gasps]  Did you hear him use "feminine" as an insult? Typical phallo-centric worldview. I bet he gave us a failing grade because he could tell my section was written by a strong, independent...

  Troy Barnes : Would you excuse me? I've just seen an old friend.

• Jeff Winger : It's Macallan Eighteen. I like to serve it neat if that's okay with you?

  Professor Cornwallis : [sarcastically]  What, in America? Don't you mix it with cherry pop or Monterey Jack cheese?

  Shirley Bennett : Professor, these are melon slices with ham.

  Annie Edison : And asparagus wrapped in salmon.

  Professor Cornwallis : [subtle sarcasm]  I see somebody's been attempting tapas.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, that would be me. I think cuisine is like a window into history. I believe it was the hun...

  Professor Cornwallis : [interrupts]  Actually, you know, I was talking to the ladies.

  [follows Annie and Shirley] 

• Jeff Winger : Britta. Look, the professor seems to be responding to things that I don't have, so you gotta get in there and jiggle something.

  Britta Perry : He hates me. He called me Broken Barbie all year.

• Britta Perry : I read an entire book on the Peloponnesian War.

  Jeff Winger : Wow. You pronounced it right.

• Britta Perry : So you just left your section blank?

  Jeff Winger : No, of course not. I copied and pasted the lyrics to War, What Is It Good For?

• Jeff Winger : I have carefully cultivated a persona that screams, "You're on your own."

• Professor Cornwallis : Usually, the cracks are hidden within the alliances. So let's see. In any group of seven, there's bound to be some romantic entanglements. See, I've noticed that the damaged blonde is dating the childish black one, I wonder, does anyone take issue with that pairing?

  Jeff Winger : You're fishing, professor. No one has anything against Britta and Troy dating.

  Britta Perry : And that's coming from Jeff, and we used to date, so...

  Jeff Winger : Britta, information is ammo. And what we did was not dating.

  Britta Perry : Uh.

  Professor Cornwallis : Ah. A little friction. That usually indicates heat.

  Troy Barnes : Heat? There's no heat. If there was heat, I'd be nervous, and, if I was nervous, I'd be rambling, and I'm definitely not rambling, so there's no heat.

  Professor Cornwallis : Ah, well, I think we found our triangle. Thank you and welcome to the party, Troy.

  Troy Barnes : He knows my name.

  Jeff Winger : Guys, keep it together.

  [microwave beeps] 

  Abed Nadir : [chuckles, returns to a silent room]  I missed something great, didn't I?

• Professor Cornwallis : Why in God's name would I leave?

  [all scream] 

  Professor Cornwallis : This is just getting interesting. Now, one of you untied me. I wonder who it was. Who is the Benedict Arnold, the true hero of this story?

  Annie Edison : Oh, no, what's gonna happen when we find out who betrayed us?

  Shirley Bennett : [suspiciously]  I wonder why you're so scared.

  Annie Edison : It wasn't me.

  Troy Barnes : Can we just say a ghost did it again?

  Britta Perry : We're gonna find out who did it when we get our grade.

  Professor Cornwallis : No, we'll have to find out now. Otherwise, the lesson isn't complete.

  Jeff Winger : But the lesson is complete, professor. You know what you taught us tonight? That, yes, empires fall, but we're no empire. We're just a bunch of flawed, selfish people. And that's not our weakness. It's our strength. The one thing that we can count on at any given moment is that the six of us are paying for a mistake made by one of us. And that means, at any given moment, one of us is screwing up so badly, that he or she is gonna forgive whoever screws up next. Now I'm gonna do something that Octavian never would... yeah, I read the book. I'm gonna say that whoever untied the professor... I don't give a crap. Because whoever it was, I know it was some flawed, selfish, weak, hopeless soul like me.

  Jeff Winger : Exactly what the betrayer would say.

• Abed Nadir : At nice times like this, I wonder what's happening in the darkest timeline.

  Ben Chang : Timeline?

  Jeff Winger : Abed, there are no dark timelines.

  [cut to dark timeline] 

  Jeff Winger : Your honor, I may not have a right arm, but I am armed with what's right. My client Miss Edison did rob several drug stores, and, yes, she did stab several pharmacists, but let's talk about the bigger crime, that someone so beautiful has been removed from society.

  Judge : Miss Edison,

  [bangs gavel] 

  Judge : you are hereby released from Greendale Insane Asylum.

  [baliff removes straitjacket and Hannibal mask] 

  Annie Edison : [embraced with Jeff]  Are you sure you don't have a problem with our age difference?

  Jeff Winger : Yeah, I wish you were even younger. Now, come on, the others are waiting. We've got a prime timeline to destroy.

  [evil laughter followed by a passionate kiss]