Modern Family (TV Series)
Arrested (2012)
Jesse Tyler Ferguson: Mitchell Pritchett
Photos
Quotes
-
Claire Dunphy : Haley has been arrested.
Phil Dunphy : What?
Cameron Tucker : [Wakes up as the phone rings] Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. I was just dreaming it was raining chickens! Mitchell, answer the phone!
Mitchell Pritchett : Look what I'm doing. Look what I'm doing, huh? Hello?
Claire Dunphy : Hey, Mitchell. I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, god. Haley got arrested.
Cameron Tucker : That explains the chickens.
Mitchell Pritchett : It does. It adds up.
-
Claire Dunphy : You okay?
Haley Dunphy : Yeah, I'm fine, mom.
Claire Dunphy : Oh! What the hell were you thinking?
Phil Dunphy : What happened?
Haley Dunphy : Well, it's not a big deal, okay? There was a party, and people were drinking, so the police showed up. And everybody ran, so I did, too. And I started climbing down this fire escape, and then I heard a cop yell to put your hands up, so I did, and I fell... onto him.
Claire Dunphy : You could have been killed. Haley, you're supposed to be an adult. How could you do something so childish...
Phil Dunphy : Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Claire Dunphy : ... and so stupid?
Phil Dunphy : Let's-let's calm down. We're all a little tired and cranky. Best thing we can do right now is get out of here, go get some waffles...
Claire Dunphy : I don't want waffles, Phil, okay? I'm upset and I want to do deal with this.
Mitchell Pritchett : All right, I got some bad news here. Um, this afternoon, Haley has to appear before a disciplinary board, which will decide whether or not she gets kicked out of school.
Claire Dunphy : What?
Phil Dunphy : Oh...
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, wait. Wait, no. I got that wrong. Oh, no, I got it right! Yes! Score. One for me.
-
Phil Dunphy : [Waiting for Haley to be released] What is taking so long?
Mitchell Pritchett : Well, in my experience, these things can take time. So... settle in. This-this could be a while.
Phil Dunphy : [Haley comes out] There she is.
Mitchell Pritchett : Damn it!
-
Aidan Schwartz : You are charged with public drunkenness, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer, all of which *obviously* violate our school's code of conduct.
Mitchell Pritchett : Sir, if I may speak on behalf of my client...
Dean Miller : Who are you?
Mitchell Pritchett : I'm Mitchell Pritchett, I'm Ms. Dunphy's attorney.
Aidan Schwartz : We require students to speak for themselves. There are no attorneys allowed. You shouldn't even be here.
Mitchell Pritchett : What if I just sat in this chair and I was really super quiet and I just listen?
Aidan Schwartz : I'll allow it.
Dean Miller : Knock it off, Aidan. Miss Dunphy, is there anything you would like to say in your defense?
Haley Dunphy : Actually, I have no defense. I was drinking. I am underage. I ran from the police. And even though it was an accident, I injured an officer. I am very, very sorry. I've made a lot of bad decisions since I've been here, and it's time I take some responsibility. Like sometimes in the dining hall, I slip my pinky under the scale when they weigh my salad. Also, I've missed more morning classes than I've been to. I don't know what the policy is on dating TAs, but I think I broke it. Twice.
Phil Dunphy : [Under his breath] Oh, man.
Haley Dunphy : And if we're gonna be completely honest, on my application to get in here, I lied about the fact that I was...
Phil Dunphy : Uh, objection!
Aidan Schwartz : On what grounds?
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, he gets to say it? He gets...
Dean Miller : Ms. Dunphy. Ms. Dunphy, we appreciate your... candor. Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Haley Dunphy : Go, Wildcats?
Dean Miller : Oh, boy.
Aidan Schwartz : That's not even our mascot.
-
Cameron Tucker : [to Luke] Hey. You're looking a lot better. How you feeling?
Luke Dunphy : Better than Kidney Stones over there.
Cameron Tucker : Yeah, you know what? Now that you're doing better, I think I should call your mom and tell her what happened. You know, I know it was a bit of a rough ride in the beginning, but the important thing is I handled it. And everybody's okay.
Luke Dunphy : What happened to *her*?
Mitchell Pritchett : [Answering Cam's call] Hello?
Orderly : [Wheeling in Alex on a stretcher] She passed out watching a C-section.
Mitchell Pritchett : Cam?
Cameron Tucker : [High-pitched voice] Never mind!
-
Mitchell Pritchett : [At Haley's dorm] Oh. Oh. Oh, no. Who lives like this? When I had a dorm room, it was-
[Steps around mess on the floor]
Mitchell Pritchett : -oh, it was spotless. Can we just agree that girls are dirtier than boys?
Claire Dunphy : What should we do?
Mitchell Pritchett : Well, I'd like to start by picking up some of these clothes, then...
Claire Dunphy : I meant *about the hearing*, Felix. Do we have a game plan?
Phil Dunphy : I think the best thing we can do is walk in there as a family and let them know we support Haley no matter what.
Claire Dunphy : At this rate, we are going to be supporting Haley for the rest of our lives.
Mitchell Pritchett : [Sits on the bed and jumps back up] Okay. Oh, I... I just sat on half a peach, so I-no, I can't do this. I'm-I'm waiting outside. Disgusting.
-
Phil Dunphy : Look, this has got to be some kind of mistake. Our daughter's tiny. There's no way she assaulted anyone. Insulted, maybe. Was-was the cop wearing white socks and dark shoes? 'Cause that really sets her off.
Police Officer : Maybe you should watch this.
[Shows them dashcam footage of Haley falling off a fire escape into a police officer]
Phil Dunphy , Claire Dunphy , Mitchell Pritchett : Ooh!
Mitchell Pritchett : Okay. Now, that's very blurry footage. How can we be sure that that's Haley?
Haley Dunphy : [In the video] Don't hurt me! I'm just a student! I'm Haley Dunphy!
-
Phil Dunphy : We're here for Haley Dunphy.
Mitchell Pritchett : I'm Mitchell Pritchett. I'm Ms. Dunphy's attorney.
Police Officer : She won't be needing a lawyer today.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, I think I'll be the judge of that. I'd like to confer with my client now. Thank you.
Police Officer : All you have to do is post bail, and she's all yours.
Mitchell Pritchett : Really? Oh. That-that's fantastic.
Claire Dunphy : Sir, I am in no mood to defend my daughter today, believe me. But do you think it is the best use of resources to lock up college kids who've had a few drinks?
Police Officer : Ma'am, your daughter was charged with resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer.
Phil Dunphy : What?
Claire Dunphy : Ooh.
Mitchell Pritchett : Wow. You probably should've called a real lawyer, 'cause I don't... I'm not...
Claire Dunphy : Shh!
-
Mitchell Pritchett : Hey, Claire, do you wanna pick it up a little bit? Since when do you drive the speed limit?
Claire Dunphy : My daughter has been arrested for drinking. I would like her to sit in jail and think about that. As a matter of fact, I might stop and do a little outlet shopping. Who wants a pair of last year's sunglasses, huh?
Phil Dunphy : Honey... try to relax.
Claire Dunphy : I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! She has been in college for *six weeks*.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at first. I remember one night freshman year, a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of Zima. Enough zaid.
Claire Dunphy : More than enough.
[Cut to side interview]
Claire Dunphy : I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes it bothers me how calm Phil is under pressure. It's like... like *I'm* the one who's overreacting.
Phil Dunphy : That's good. Let it out. It's g...
Claire Dunphy : I'm going to kill you.
-
Luke Dunphy : This is the best bacon I've ever had.
Cameron Tucker : Oh, well. I can't wait to tell your Uncle Mitchell that you love it.
Alex Dunphy : Why would Uncle Mitch care?
Cameron Tucker : [Dialing Mitchell's number] Because, my dear, that bacon you're eating isn't bacon at all, no, no, no. It's made entirely of soy.
Alex Dunphy : Luke's allergic to soy! His throat closes! He can't breathe!
Mitchell Pritchett : [Picks up] Hello?
Cameron Tucker : [Hangs up] Never mind!
-
Phil Dunphy : Can you believe how many waffle places we passed?
Mitchell Pritchett : I can't believe how much Dad belittles me.
Phil Dunphy : What were there, five? Six?
Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, I edited the Law Review. I passed the bar on my first try. I have a briefcase.
Phil Dunphy : I'm counting them on the way back.
Claire Dunphy : Can we focus?
-
Claire Dunphy : Hi, Dad.
Jay Pritchett : Hey, Claire. Any updates?
Claire Dunphy : Not yet, but we're almost there.
Jay Pritchett : Last time you were over at the house, you were looking at that photo album. What'd you do with it?
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, Dad, that was me. I think I put it on the shelf behind the bar.
Jay Pritchett : What are you doing there?
Mitchell Pritchett : [singsongy] They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
Jay Pritchett : Shouldn't they have a *real* lawyer?
Phil Dunphy : Oh, God. Should we?
Mitchell Pritchett : I *am* a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.
Jay Pritchett : Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, Dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.
Phil Dunphy : That's adorable.
Jay Pritchett : You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs someone who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, so *I'm* not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?
-
Mitchell Pritchett : What did she get arrested for?
Claire Dunphy : Oh, she got caught drinking at some party. Look, could you drive up to the college with us? I think we're gonna need a lawyer.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yes, of course. And Cam and Lily can come over and stay with Alex and Luke.
Cameron Tucker : I'll guard them with my life.
Claire Dunphy : I hate to bother him.
Mitchell Pritchett : No, no, don't be silly. He's happy to do it. Okay, we'll be over in a little bit.
[Hangs up]
Mitchell Pritchett : Okay.
Cameron Tucker : Oh, I get it. When you told Claire I would come over and watch the kids, she was resistant, because she doesn't trust my parenting skills.
Mitchell Pritchett : No, don't-don't be silly. She just didn't want to put you out.
Cameron Tucker : She's got a daughter behind bars and she's got the nerve to say *I'm* a bad parent? You didn't defend me.
Mitchell Pritchett : Because she didn't say anything.
Cameron Tucker : Why are you protecting her?
Mitchell Pritchett : Why is no one protecting *me*?
-
Cameron Tucker : Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is 'fakon'. It's like real bacon.
Mitchell Pritchett : Except for the look, the texture, and the taste.
Cameron Tucker : Maybe the store-bought kind. But I make my own, so it's not even real fakon. It's faux-fakon. 'Faux-kon'.
Mitchell Pritchett : It's faux-kon disgusting.
Cameron Tucker : You can't tell the difference.
[Cut to flashback of a taste test]
Cameron Tucker : And guess which one's the real one?
Mitchell Pritchett : [Immediately points to the real one] That one.
[Is blindfolded but still points to the real one]
Mitchell Pritchett : That one.
[Cam switches the plates]
Mitchell Pritchett : Still that one.