- When buyers show interest in Grayson's house, the crew is quick to judge their potential new neighbors. They also become nostalgic about when redneck Bobby and Jules first moved into the neighborhood. Meanwhile, Wade returns home from Afghanistan early, but Laurie's initial excitement quickly turns to fear when he becomes too clingy.
- Welcome to COUGAR TOWN This one's for you, continuity nerds.
Unlike Grayson (Josh Hopkins), Andy (Ian Gomez) is a very attentive husband. Ellie (Christa Miller) could pour wine onto the counter and Andy will get that wine glass under it before a single drop hits. Jules (Courteney Cox) is not too happy Grayson can't be as attentive. And she really isn't sure why Laurie (Busy Philipps) is having a relationship with her counter. Well, it turns out Laurie has to stretch because Wade (Edwin Hodge) is coming home tomorrow and she doesn't want to strain her snooze. Also known as her sizzle, her hoo, her hot pocket, the Bonnie Hunt, The Hurt Locker (2008), a woolly mammoth, and the No Country for Old Men (2007). (Please tell me that compressed air weapon Javier Bardem used doesn't figure into that one.)
Good news: Grayson thinks he has sold his house. Bad news: the new couple doesn't like wine or any form of alcohol. (GASP!) But Jules would be supportive, even though the new neighbors loved their new "yoga yard." (You have no idea how much I wish I was making that up; I don't care how hot the wife is.) The good news is, everybody had ways of driving them off, like Andy getting his paper and letting his robe fly open so everyone could see his Tobey Maguire. (JULES: I hate that I know you named it that!) Or Bobby (Brian Van Holt) donning his best Roddy Piper look from They Live (1988) to form his own militia (with his golf cart for a tank). Or Ellie wanting to have sex with Andy and going a little bit Deliverance (1972) on the new neighbors.
Jules loves reunions, particularly when soldiers surprise their families at home. So she felt the need to surprise Laurie by having Wade suddenly pop up from a garbage can at the mall. And he falls right back in when the surprised Laurie punches him out. But she makes up for it, although the damage to her apartment was extensive. The potential damage from her birth control patch somehow ending up on Wade, we'll see.
Everybody apologizes to Grayson. Except Ellie of course, who complains the new neighbors wore spandex and had to go. Jules points out you can't choose your neighbors, and that had people trusted their first impressions, there would be no Cul-de-Sac Crew in the first place.
Flash back to the...80s, I'm assuming, based on Jules' Pat Benatar and Bobby sporting the ultimate mullet. (Could have been worse; she could have dressed like that girl who went on stage with Springsteen in his Dancing in the Dark video.) And right next door was a rather mannish-looking Ellie. (ELLIE: Oh my God. Rednecks! Are you two from planet NASCAR?) What's even more shocking than Jules looking like a reject from Buckwild (2013) is that Ellie used to work as a lawyer, which J-Bird and Reginald Buttfart III thought was just like out of a TV show. (BOBBY: It's like Matlock (1986) with knockers!) Turns out, Ellie and Andy were selling the house Jules and Bobby were interested in, and J-Bird thought it was awesome they could be out tanning their hides on the front lawn, which Ellie steadfastly refused. (JULES: Aw, honey. Nobody wants to tap a white ass!) Now it sounds weird that Ellie would sell to them, but we get two answers at the same time. Andy fell off of the roof and Bobby caught him. It was bromance at first sight.
TRAVIS: That's what we call a 'meet cute'.
GRAYSON: Get friends your own age.
While Andy got a burger and fries for Ellie, Wade and Laurie used him as a backstop at the tavern. (Had that happen once when I was driving a limo. Closest I ever got to a threesome.) But Laurie was actually concerned Wade would never go home to his family in Minnesota. Although Andy didn't mind he would no longer be the only minority in the area, Laurie was worried about Wade saying he'd be staying "until question mark."
LAURIE: When I'm at a party until "question mark," it means I am NEVER leaving. Once, I was at a rave so long, I forgot my name, shaved my head, and everybody started calling me "Sasha." It turns out I was actually in a cult. They were fun guys. They're dead now, but...
Back in...2005 as it turns out, given the movie theater was showing Man of the House (2005) and House of Wax (2005)...and why do I get the feeling they threw that in there knowing I'd be anal-retentive enough to pause the DVR and figure out the correct year? Anyway, Jules tries to ingratiate herself with Ellie by pretending to be on the other line with her. No, it didn't work. But Jules invited Andy and her over for dinner anyway. Squirrel? (JULES: Don't be ridiculous; it's summer!) Ellie declines and accuses Jules of being lonely and sad so she tries to push her way into other people's lives.
JULES: I am NOT needy! I'm gonna make that pale-ass bitch love me whether she likes it or not!
Oh, and Travis' (Dan Byrd) obsession with Laurie? Well, 13-year-old Travis + a wet 22-year-old Laurie in a low-cut top, + slo-mo shot reminiscent of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) = obsession. Conveniently ignoring the fact Laurie was actually fighting some other woman in the mall fountain.
LAURIE: (to Travis) What, you've never seen cousins fountain-fight over a Jeff Gordon sweat rag? Catch you later, cutie.
Forget the money, Grayson was now upset even Travis and Laurie had a 'meet cute' and his with Jules was her coming over to borrow a plunger. Then hearing about how Bobby and Dog Travis met sent him over the edge. (It involved Lady and the Tramp (1955), so I can understand Grayson on that one.) But that's what Grayson gets for making fun of the guys liking Pretty Woman (1990).
Laurie's problem with Wade leaving it open as to when he was leaving was sort of her fault. She had been hinting she might have been ready to settle down and have kids...mainly to have beautiful half-black, naturally blonde babies. Andy correctly pointed out they had been going slowly for over a year, and now that he was home, he wanted to see whether all of this was real or not. Laurie had a slimmer of hope that perhaps Wade wanted to slow things down, too, but his mother inviting her for Easter put the kibosh on that.
2005 Jules wasn't ready to give up, bringing over a bottle of wine as a peace offering, but Ellie slams the door. Jules tries to block it with her bare foot with the predictable results. At least Ellie was nice enough to let Jules wash out her toe in the kitchen sink. (yeah, that shocked me, too) But it turns out that Andy and Ellie weren't actually married at this point. They had lived together for three years, but Andy still hadn't popped the question. Ellie was totally in love with Andy and he had her wrapped around his little finger.
Oh, and 2013 Jules wasn't supposed to tell this little part of the story, and Ellie understandably storms out. Jules goes to apologize, but Ellie hated the fact everyone knew Andy didn't always worshipped the ground she walked on. She used to enjoy scaring judges as an attorney and she didn't have that anymore. But at least now she had Jules begging her not to tell Travis his second-grade girlfriend was really a boy.
Now I'm sure you're wondering if Andy being scared to marry Ellie would be significant in this story. of course it is, this is a sitcom. Andy tells Laurie not to reject living with Wade just because she's scared. Trying it and not liking it is one thing, but Laurie couldn't be too scared to try it. He almost made the same mistake with Ellie. Sure enough, he was walking with 2005 Bobby, who successfully threw a penny into the can of a street performer (too bad they never did anything with that on the show), when Jules confronted him demanding to know if he would marry Ellie. Andy had all the questions about someone being "the one," but Jules thought, despite Ellie being mean (and about 2 dozen other adjectives they listed), that Andy had to sack up and propose before Andy lost Ellie forever. Sure enough, Ellie had to come over and show Jules the engagement ring. Jules loved the conversation through the window (JULES: Feels like I work at Taco Bell!) and she got her first up-close-and-personal look at Tom (Bob Clendenin), complete with receding hair and pedophile beard. And she's been regretting saying "pop in any time you want" ever since. Ellie brings over the bottle of wine Jules got her, but she drew the line on matching toe rings and hugging.
JULES: (hugs her)I'm not letting go until you hug back.
ELLIE: Wow, you're annoying.
JULES: Maybe, but I'll always have your back.
ELLIE: And I'm more loyal than mean.
JULES: Wow, you're REAL loyal, aren't ya! (tries the wine) Wow, I'm gonna need a bigger glass!
In 2013, "The Cracker and The Bitch" make up, but Ellie still has to tell Andy the truth. And she happily does, despite the fact Laurie ate her burger and Andy ate the second burger he ordered for her. Laurie tells Wade to unpack his things, and Jules reassured Grayson they didn't need a "meet cute", even though it turned out Grayson gave her the bottle of wine to give to Ellie back in 2005.
Oh, Jules doesn't have to worry about Ellie blabbing to Travis about Erin/Aaron, his 2nd grade girlfriend/boyfriend: Erin/Aaron says hi to him at the bar. Plenty of good meet cute stories for Travis. First kiss stories? Um...
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