- Britta Perry: Hmmm, calling for help. A classic... call for help.
- [Pretends to talk on the phone]
- Britta Perry: Hello, Dr. Perry's office. Damaged psyche? Yes, I'll accept the charges.
- Jeff Winger: Heads, lock up your brains. Britta's on the prowl for fresh therapy meat.
- Pierce Hawthorne: If you knew what spooked me, you'd probably call me crazy and old.
- Jeff Winger: No one's gonna call you, Pierce.
- Jeff Winger: Happy Halloween parties, everyone. You all look great...
- [to Britta, who is dressed as a ham]
- Jeff Winger: Ham.
- Britta Perry: Pig. Let me guess. You're a flimsy excuse to be shirtless, wearing silk underwear.
- Jeff Winger: And you are as wrong as you are welcome.
- Jeff Winger: What's weird is that a living person lived here with his parents, well into his 60s. Then they died, and he's still here, like a paralyzed Peter Pan.
- Britta Perry: Not for long. I'm gonna set my shrink ray to daddy issues and blast that sucker full of closure.
- Jeff Winger: Well, I guess it can't hurt.
- Britta Perry: Exactly, because, in one way or another, therapy is always helpful.
- Jeff Winger: No, because there's no possible way you could mess him up worse. It's like practicing on a cadaver. Knock yourself out.
- Jeff Winger: Now, how does one search for a red notebook that doesn't exist without looking, touching or creating future nightmares?
- Britta Perry: I'll check the nightstand.
- Jeff Winger: I'll check my messages.
- Britta Perry: Oh, my God. Pierce keeps his dad's bow tie by his bed. Yeesh.
- [Pretends to talk on the phone]
- Britta Perry: Table for Siggy Freud, party of...
- Jeff Winger: Britta, stop answering phones.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, so, we're all here... Minus Pierce, who wasn't invited to Vicki's party for reasons beyond our control or concern.
- Britta Perry: Oh my God, Pierce is dead!
- Shirley Bennett: Cornelius killed him!
- Troy Barnes: [Immediately after, completely panicked] I BROKE THE REMOTE! Do you think it's expensive? Please, Pierce. Please don't die slightly before your time. This means we're next, and I care about us.
- Troy Barnes: Okay, so maybe I spent a little less time in the library than, say, the walkin cereal closet, but it's definitely near here.
- Shirley Bennett: You skipped this door.
- Troy Barnes: Pierce told me I don't need to go in there.
- Shirley Bennett: Then it's probably the library.
- Troy Barnes: Mr. Hawthorne's panic room, one of the 27 stops on the guided tour I had to memorize before moving into Hawthorne manor.
- Annie Edison: Does the house get many visitors?
- Troy Barnes: You're the first. Impenetrable titanium carbonate door, hackerproof keycode access panel, and impressive video telecom screen with remote. Maximum occupancy one, with female companion.
- Jeff Winger: What in the Scooby Doo is happening to you people?
- Annie Edison: Jeff, just go to the part. We'll meet you there. We're gonna stay and help Pierce.
- Jeff Winger: He doesn't need help. He needs attention. Are you really this naive?
- Annie Edison: Am I naive? I'm sure as stuff not your sexy little ring girl.
- Britta Perry: I...
- Jeff Winger: Can it, ham. She's also my ride.
- Jeff Winger: No, this year I planned a two person costume with Annie. She's going as my ring girl.
- Annie Edison: Pretty freaky deaky, huh?
- Jeff Winger: Annie, no. I meant the boxing match ring girl. The sexy ones that hold the round numbers.
- Annie Edison: Yeah, see, this is why we can't just text about it, Jeff. I don't watch sports.
- Abed Nadir: There's no boxer in The Ring.
- Annie Edison: I don't watch scary movies!
- Britta Perry: And that's why we leave the couples' costumes to the couples, she said wisely.
- Jeff Winger: You should probably warn your boyfriend's boyfriend.
- Britta Perry: Just because we're dating doesn't mean that we have to do everything together.
- Jeff Winger: Well, you need to do some things together.
- Troy Barnes: We do some things.
- [Britta shoots a look at Troy]
- Troy Barnes: We do a lot of things.
- [Shirley gasps]
- Troy Barnes: Not all the things.
- [Jeff looks cockeyed at Troy]
- Troy Barnes: Things.
- [Troy awkwardly extends his arms]
- Jeff Winger: Okay...
- Troy Barnes: That was Pierce. He accidentally locked himself in his panic room and he needs our help.
- Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: Oh!
- Jeff Winger: No, "oh!" "Oh" means we are going against our will, and we are not going. He's lying.
- Troy Barnes: He seemed pretty upset, and he's been all alone up there in that mansion ever since I moved out, and his dad, you know, got killed by Jeff.
- Britta Perry: Troy said...
- Jeff Winger: Pierce's bedroom is the third door on the left. I didn't leave my short term memory at Coachella.
- Britta Perry: Jeez, Winger, keep it above the belt.
- Jeff Winger: I'm sorry.
- Britta Perry: Ahh... already forgotten.
- Annie Edison: Maybe we should just stop by on our way to the party.
- Jeff Winger: I assure you, the only thing Pierce is trapped in is adolescence. He is a geriatric toddler, throwing the most elaborate tantrums money can buy and I, for one, am not gonna stand by and allow some lonely, ridiculous person to derail our group's plans.
- Dean Pelton: [on cue walks into group study room F dressed as a ring girl] Ding, ding, ding! To your corners, fighters. Someone save me a towel.
- [giggles]
- Dean Pelton: You guys going to Vicki's party?
- Jeff Winger: We just gotta do this thing first.
- Troy Barnes: It seems spookier than I remember.
- Jeff Winger: Hmm... the only thing spooky about this place is the tacky decor. It's like David Lee Roth threw up Miami Vice.
- [spots a painting of Pierce astride a tiger and groans]
- Jeff Winger: So tacky.
- Annie Edison: I don't know. Maybe Pierce isn't doing so well since he lost his father and then his inheritance in a video game battle with Gilbert, an illegitimate half brother he never knew he had. I guess I've never said it out loud.
- Jeff Winger: I do not have daddy issues.
- Abed Nadir: [watching on a cc monitor] You get two minutes.
- Britta Perry: Denial is the first step to acceptance.
- Jeff Winger: That can't be right.
- Britta Perry: Says the denyist.
- Jeff Winger: Not a word.
- Britta Perry: You want to keep digging this hole? Confronting your daddy issues now could prevent you from ending up haunted, like Pierce.
- Jeff Winger: I'll never end up like Pierce.
- Britta Perry: Won't you?
- Jeff Winger: No, because I'm nothing like him.
- Britta Perry: Aren't you?
- Jeff Winger: Are you gonna keep doing that?
- Britta Perry: Am I?
- Jeff Winger: The worst therapist? No, because you're not a therapist.
- Shirley Bennett: Sodom and Gomorrah.
- Troy Barnes: It's Pierce's special gym. He never let me use it, 'cause he thinks I'm a child.
- [passes Shirley and enters room]
- Shirley Bennett: Hold...
- [misses grabbing Troy]
- Troy Barnes: He's hiding the indoor swing, and I'm the child.
- [gleefully climbs into the swing]
- Shirley Bennett: [disapproving look of disgust] Mmm... no. Troy, get out of there.
- Troy Barnes: [swinging, so to speak] Why does he have so many collars? Secret dogs!
- Shirley Bennett: [leads Troy out of the room] Oh, it's okay. Come on. Oh, no. Forget you saw that, and then forget I knew what it was.
- Troy Barnes: Great, you won't tell me, Pierce won't tell me. I have no idea what to Google. I'll never know.
- Shirley Bennett: Believe me, dating Britta, you'll know too much too soon soon enough.
- Annie Edison: Jeff was right. I am naive.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, don't listen to him.
- Troy Barnes: There's nothing naive about helping a friend in need. Jeff would know that if he wasn't too cool for after-school specials.
- Annie Edison: [Abed has disappeared] Abed? Abed? If this is supposed to be, like, that part in that movie that's like this, I would like to remind you that I don't watch scary movies and therefore cannot appreciate the homage.