Community (TV Series)
Paranormal Parentage (2013)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Britta Perry : Hmmm, calling for help. A classic... call for help.
[Pretends to talk on the phone]
Britta Perry : Hello, Dr. Perry's office. Damaged psyche? Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Jeff Winger : Heads, lock up your brains. Britta's on the prowl for fresh therapy meat.
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Pierce Hawthorne : If you knew what spooked me, you'd probably call me crazy and old.
Jeff Winger : No one's gonna call you, Pierce.
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Jeff Winger : Happy Halloween parties, everyone. You all look great...
[to Britta, who is dressed as a ham]
Jeff Winger : Ham.
Britta Perry : Pig. Let me guess. You're a flimsy excuse to be shirtless, wearing silk underwear.
Jeff Winger : And you are as wrong as you are welcome.
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Jeff Winger : What's weird is that a living person lived here with his parents, well into his 60s. Then they died, and he's still here, like a paralyzed Peter Pan.
Britta Perry : Not for long. I'm gonna set my shrink ray to daddy issues and blast that sucker full of closure.
Jeff Winger : Well, I guess it can't hurt.
Britta Perry : Exactly, because, in one way or another, therapy is always helpful.
Jeff Winger : No, because there's no possible way you could mess him up worse. It's like practicing on a cadaver. Knock yourself out.
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Jeff Winger : Now, how does one search for a red notebook that doesn't exist without looking, touching or creating future nightmares?
Britta Perry : I'll check the nightstand.
Jeff Winger : I'll check my messages.
Britta Perry : Oh, my God. Pierce keeps his dad's bow tie by his bed. Yeesh.
[Pretends to talk on the phone]
Britta Perry : Table for Siggy Freud, party of...
Jeff Winger : Britta, stop answering phones.
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Jeff Winger : Okay, so, we're all here... Minus Pierce, who wasn't invited to Vicki's party for reasons beyond our control or concern.
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Jeff Winger : What in the Scooby Doo is happening to you people?
Annie Edison : Jeff, just go to the part. We'll meet you there. We're gonna stay and help Pierce.
Jeff Winger : He doesn't need help. He needs attention. Are you really this naive?
Annie Edison : Am I naive? I'm sure as stuff not your sexy little ring girl.
Britta Perry : I...
Jeff Winger : Can it, ham. She's also my ride.
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Jeff Winger : No, this year I planned a two person costume with Annie. She's going as my ring girl.
Annie Edison : Pretty freaky deaky, huh?
Jeff Winger : Annie, no. I meant the boxing match ring girl. The sexy ones that hold the round numbers.
Annie Edison : Yeah, see, this is why we can't just text about it, Jeff. I don't watch sports.
Abed Nadir : There's no boxer in The Ring.
Annie Edison : I don't watch scary movies!
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Britta Perry : And that's why we leave the couples' costumes to the couples, she said wisely.
Jeff Winger : You should probably warn your boyfriend's boyfriend.
Britta Perry : Just because we're dating doesn't mean that we have to do everything together.
Jeff Winger : Well, you need to do some things together.
Troy Barnes : We do some things.
[Britta shoots a look at Troy]
Troy Barnes : We do a lot of things.
[Shirley gasps]
Troy Barnes : Not all the things.
[Jeff looks cockeyed at Troy]
Troy Barnes : Things.
[Troy awkwardly extends his arms]
Jeff Winger : Okay...
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Troy Barnes : That was Pierce. He accidentally locked himself in his panic room and he needs our help.
Annie Edison , Britta Perry , Shirley Bennett : Oh!
Jeff Winger : No, "oh!" "Oh" means we are going against our will, and we are not going. He's lying.
Troy Barnes : He seemed pretty upset, and he's been all alone up there in that mansion ever since I moved out, and his dad, you know, got killed by Jeff.
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Britta Perry : Troy said...
Jeff Winger : Pierce's bedroom is the third door on the left. I didn't leave my short term memory at Coachella.
Britta Perry : Jeez, Winger, keep it above the belt.
Jeff Winger : I'm sorry.
Britta Perry : Ahh... already forgotten.
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Annie Edison : Maybe we should just stop by on our way to the party.
Jeff Winger : I assure you, the only thing Pierce is trapped in is adolescence. He is a geriatric toddler, throwing the most elaborate tantrums money can buy and I, for one, am not gonna stand by and allow some lonely, ridiculous person to derail our group's plans.
Dean Pelton : [on cue walks into group study room F dressed as a ring girl] Ding, ding, ding! To your corners, fighters. Someone save me a towel.
[giggles]
Dean Pelton : You guys going to Vicki's party?
Jeff Winger : We just gotta do this thing first.
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Troy Barnes : It seems spookier than I remember.
Jeff Winger : Hmm... the only thing spooky about this place is the tacky decor. It's like David Lee Roth threw up Miami Vice.
[spots a painting of Pierce astride a tiger and groans]
Jeff Winger : So tacky.
Annie Edison : I don't know. Maybe Pierce isn't doing so well since he lost his father and then his inheritance in a video game battle with Gilbert, an illegitimate half brother he never knew he had. I guess I've never said it out loud.
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Jeff Winger : I do not have daddy issues.
Abed Nadir : [watching on a cc monitor] You get two minutes.
Britta Perry : Denial is the first step to acceptance.
Jeff Winger : That can't be right.
Britta Perry : Says the denyist.
Jeff Winger : Not a word.
Britta Perry : You want to keep digging this hole? Confronting your daddy issues now could prevent you from ending up haunted, like Pierce.
Jeff Winger : I'll never end up like Pierce.
Britta Perry : Won't you?
Jeff Winger : No, because I'm nothing like him.
Britta Perry : Aren't you?
Jeff Winger : Are you gonna keep doing that?
Britta Perry : Am I?
Jeff Winger : The worst therapist? No, because you're not a therapist.
