- Jay Pritchett: I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what Robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. Now, that's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me. So I stuck it out until they were grown.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Offscreen] Jay, you want to join me in the Jacuzzi?
- Jay Pritchett: And the universe rewarded me.
- Jay Pritchett: You know what the fight with DeDe was about? I taped a football game over an episode of 'Dallas'. Who bails on a family trip to Disneyland over something like that? Ironically, Dallas was playing in the game. And I remember pointing that out to her, and then I remember a video cassette flying at my head.
- Jay Pritchett: When Claire and Mitchell were young, their mom and I were gonna take them to Disneyland. But that morning, DeDe and I got in this huge fight over something or other - surprise, surprise - and I ended up taking them on my own. Claire's biggest fear was running into the Evil Queen. My biggest fear was that I married her.
- Manny Delgado: I may not be the tallest or the most athletic, but someday I will be the richest. Which is good, because the ladies love that, and I've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
- Haley Dunphy: [as Dylan dances in a costume] Why are you dancing like that?
- Dylan: This is what Little John does. Maybe. I don't know what movie this dude is from.
- Jay Pritchett: Come on people! It's a robotic president! What's not to love?
- Luke Dunphy: A robotic president?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, everybody's looking at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, well, maybe they're staring because we have what they want.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Whoa! Oh, a pet daughter?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [to Cam on the phone] Okay, Cam, I've got here. We're in Fantasyland, where are you? Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS.
- Jay Pritchett: [Gets Lily baby high heels to keep her from running off] Attagirl. You're welcome!
- Cameron Tucker: Look, your dad got her baby high heels, which we said we were never gonna let her wear.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: I love 'em!
- Cameron Tucker: You look gorgeous, sweetie.
- [Under his breath to Mitchell]
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, my God. You felt people judged us before, wait till they meet little miss Anaheim.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Who cares? Look at her; she can barely move. Thank you, Dad.
- Jay Pritchett: You know what? She's got pretty good gams for a 3-year-old.