- Opening Title Card: This is a true story. Kinda.
- Justin: Problem is: type of girls that I want to bang don't wanna bang me. These Hollywood hotties want a guy with power. They want someone who can change their life - and by "life" I mean career.
- [the all-white group wonders which among them might be willing to venture beyond his own ethnicity]
- Austin: Yeah. Sure, why not? I'll bite the bullet.
- Parker: Well, that's certainly kind of you. "Bite the bullet?" We're trying to be as politically correct and considerate as possible in this project.
- Austin: I've always wanted to bang an Asian chick.
- Ross: What's on her resume?
- Justin: [checking] Yeah, I think she's a porn star.
- Chase Lockwood: I knew it.
- Ben: How can you tell?
- Justin: She was the lead in "Fuck My Butt" 3, 4 and 5.
- Ross: She had a lot of air upstairs.
- Austin: Yeah, I don't even think she'll know what's goin' on.
- Justin: Exactly - and she seems like the type of girl who would let me throw a piece of bologna at her base ass.
- Chase Lockwood: My balona has a first name.
- Jordan Holliday: It's always important to be the hottest. Helps you build a fan base. And you know, I've got, like, 473,000 Twitter followers. It's kind of like when you're looking at all the presents under the Christmas tree. They're all pretty and exciting, but there's always that one special present, the one with the biggest bow. Just can't take your eyes off of it. I'm that fucking present.