- Dolores Stubb: [enters room] Okay, here's a novel idea. Try standing closer to the toilet and actually aiming so the pee goes in the bowl and not on the floor.
- Frank: That's a terrible idea for a novel.
- [stifled laughter]
- Dolores Stubb: I will be instituting a key system. So if you have to pee, you come see Dee, there'll be a sign-in sheet on my desk.
- Amit Patel: [under his breath] Not gonna do that.
- Frank: He'll be happy in literally any situation. Which is the very trait that makes him challenging for me.
- Victoria Sands: Well, what if you viewed it as a growth opportunity?
- Frank: I'm not looking for growth. If growth wants me bad enough, it knows where to find me.
- Victoria Sands: Yeah. Alone in your apartment.
- Frank: Where I am so content. Now... can I interest you in a chicken pesto panini?
- Victoria Sands: I wanna say no, but yeah. Your heart is black but you know how to make a really good sandwich.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: ...but to learn nothing from that except to be a jerk, that just makes you a douche, dude.
- Frank: You're missing all the nuance. I'm a douche for a lot of complicated reasons.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: I'd like to request a transfer. My senior officer, by word and action, has made it clear that he doesn't want me around.
- Frank: Despite the rumors, I'm not a people person.
- Dolores Stubb: [reading sign-in sheet] Holden Weiner? Holden Weiner? Really guys?
- Delivery Guy: It's actually Wy-ner. I get that all the time. I'm gonna need a signature for the package.
- Victoria Sands: [enters] Yo. Delores... I need the key.
- Dolores Stubb: Name and time.
- [pushes sign-in sheet forward]
- Dolores Stubb: [Victoria signs and exits] Connie Lingus? Real mature!
- Emily: Yeah. Frank, I just got an earful from the superintendent.
- Frank: I was getting coffee. I'm guilty of negligence, not incompetence. It's a lower crime.
- Templeton Dudge: Came to gloat about the weasel barbecue.
- [all groans]
- Frank: You're here to enjoy my misfortune, which is a taunt, not a gloat.
- Templeton Dudge: Always an education when you talk to Frank.
- Frank: You're a rube. Do you know what that is?
- Templeton Dudge: Rumor is, couple filed a complaint that'll require damage control. I'm offering my services, Emily, 'cause I know you get a little nervous and sweaty in high-stress situations.
- Emily: Uh, no, no. I have everything under control, Templeton.
- Templeton Dudge: Well, when you don't, I'll come back to gloat. Did I get that right, Frank?
- Frank: No, that was a threat.
- Templeton Dudge: Ah... whatever. Word nerd.
- Frank: You know what Mark Twain said?
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: I'm not 100 percent on who Mark Twain is.
- Frank: That's a whole other conversation now. He said, "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: Is this about the hot vet?
- Frank: Yeah, of course it's about the hot vet. I've been laying the groundwork for years. Do you know how many vaccination clinics I've volunteered for? A lot of vaccination clinics. I've eradicated entire diseases in pursuit of that woman.
- Amit Patel: [phone vibrating] Greenview Meadow Preschool. Oh, God in heaven, no. There's no way this isn't something awful.
- [answers phone]
- Amit Patel: Hello? Yeah.
- [covers phone's mic]
- Amit Patel: Danny won't poop in school again. He's like me, he gets nervous at away games.
- Victoria Sands: Aww, poor sausage.
- Amit Patel: Yeah, go ahead and put him on. Hey buddy, it's okay, listen. Just like we do at home, okay?
- [begins to sing]
- Amit Patel: I know what to do... when I'm about to poo... I go to the potty, pull my underwear down...
- Amit Patel, Victoria Sands, Fred 'Shred' Taylor, Animal Control Officer 1, Animal control officer #2, Frank: [all sing in unison] And I sit and wait... I sit and wait... I sit and wait until the poop falls down. Then I wipe and wipe, 'till brown leaves town, I put it in the potty and I flush it down. Whooo!
- Victoria Sands: Banger!
- Amit Patel: Wow, sounds like you had quite a bit. I'm proud of you, my little soldier.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: Way to go, Danny!
- Amit Patel: Okay. Alright. Bye.
- [disconnects call]
- Frank: Templeton.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: You didn't tell him you were picking me up?
- Frank: Nah. It was a game-time decision. How would you feel about mooning him?
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: Very good. But this will be two days in a row you've negotiated my pants off.
- Frank: Hmm.
- [contemplatively]
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: Whoa. Those are some tall birds.
- Frank: Yeah, and their eyes are bigger than their brains, so you should feel right at home.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: Your ribbing feels affectionate. And I know you're going for more emotional distance.
- Frank: If you're gonna make me pick you up, I expect coffee.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: There'll be one waiting for you tomorrow. Any other requests?
- Frank: Yeah. Get your car fixed.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: I'm gonna win you over, bro. It's gonna happen.
- Frank: Calling me "bro" shows the depth of your miscalculation.
- Police Officer: Waiting for the coroner. The guy's been dead three days and no one knew it. His dog never left his side.
- [dog whines]
- Victoria Sands: We'll find him a good home.
- [Tom exits]
- Victoria Sands: Three days. Can you imagine?
- Amit Patel: Three days without anybody knowing where I was. I'd kill for that.
- Frank: And you had to Google that?
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: There's no shame in admitting gaps in knowledge.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: It's bad, Frank! They won't stop. It's starting to feel extremely targeted!
- Frank: Yeah. Well, they either see you as a food source or a potential mate. Either way, I would just let nature take its course.
- Frank: [pouring a glass of wine as he sings to himself] And I wipe and I wipe 'till the brown leaves town... Put it in the potty and flush it down... Bye bye poo... Bye bye poo.
- Fred 'Shred' Taylor: I guess I just dig an awkward chick.
- Frank: This is a texture I didn't know you had.