Animal Control (TV Series)

Weasels and Ostriches (2023)

Joel McHale: Frank Shaw

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dolores Stubb : [enters room]  Okay, here's a novel idea. Try standing closer to the toilet and actually aiming so the pee goes in the bowl and not on the floor.

  Frank : That's a terrible idea for a novel.

  [stifled laughter] 

  Dolores Stubb : I will be instituting a key system. So if you have to pee, you come see Dee, there'll be a sign-in sheet on my desk.

  Amit Patel : [under his breath]  Not gonna do that.

• Frank : He'll be happy in literally any situation. Which is the very trait that makes him challenging for me.

  Victoria Sands : Well, what if you viewed it as a growth opportunity?

  Frank : I'm not looking for growth. If growth wants me bad enough, it knows where to find me.

  Victoria Sands : Yeah. Alone in your apartment.

  Frank : Where I am so content. Now... can I interest you in a chicken pesto panini?

  Victoria Sands : I wanna say no, but yeah. Your heart is black but you know how to make a really good sandwich.

• Fred 'Shred' Taylor : ...but to learn nothing from that except to be a jerk, that just makes you a douche, dude.

  Frank : You're missing all the nuance. I'm a douche for a lot of complicated reasons.

• Fred 'Shred' Taylor : I'd like to request a transfer. My senior officer, by word and action, has made it clear that he doesn't want me around.

  Frank : Despite the rumors, I'm not a people person.

• Emily : Yeah. Frank, I just got an earful from the superintendent.

  Frank : I was getting coffee. I'm guilty of negligence, not incompetence. It's a lower crime.

  Templeton Dudge : Came to gloat about the weasel barbecue.

  [all groans] 

  Frank : You're here to enjoy my misfortune, which is a taunt, not a gloat.

  Templeton Dudge : Always an education when you talk to Frank.

  Frank : You're a rube. Do you know what that is?

  Templeton Dudge : Rumor is, couple filed a complaint that'll require damage control. I'm offering my services, Emily, 'cause I know you get a little nervous and sweaty in high-stress situations.

  Emily : Uh, no, no. I have everything under control, Templeton.

  Templeton Dudge : Well, when you don't, I'll come back to gloat. Did I get that right, Frank?

  Frank : No, that was a threat.

  Templeton Dudge : Ah... whatever. Word nerd.

• Frank : You know what Mark Twain said?

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : I'm not 100 percent on who Mark Twain is.

  Frank : That's a whole other conversation now. He said, "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : Is this about the hot vet?

  Frank : Yeah, of course it's about the hot vet. I've been laying the groundwork for years. Do you know how many vaccination clinics I've volunteered for? A lot of vaccination clinics. I've eradicated entire diseases in pursuit of that woman.

• Amit Patel : [phone vibrating]  Greenview Meadow Preschool. Oh, God in heaven, no. There's no way this isn't something awful.

  [answers phone] 

  Amit Patel : Hello? Yeah.

  [covers phone's mic] 

  Amit Patel : Danny won't poop in school again. He's like me, he gets nervous at away games.

  Victoria Sands : Aww, poor sausage.

  Amit Patel : Yeah, go ahead and put him on. Hey buddy, it's okay, listen. Just like we do at home, okay?

  [begins to sing] 

  Amit Patel : I know what to do... when I'm about to poo... I go to the potty, pull my underwear down...

  Amit Patel , Victoria Sands , Fred 'Shred' Taylor , Animal Control Officer 1 , Animal control officer #2 , Frank : [all sing in unison]  And I sit and wait... I sit and wait... I sit and wait until the poop falls down. Then I wipe and wipe, 'till brown leaves town, I put it in the potty and I flush it down. Whooo!

  Victoria Sands : Banger!

  Amit Patel : Wow, sounds like you had quite a bit. I'm proud of you, my little soldier.

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : Way to go, Danny!

  Amit Patel : Okay. Alright. Bye.

  [disconnects call] 

• Frank : Templeton.

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : You didn't tell him you were picking me up?

  Frank : Nah. It was a game-time decision. How would you feel about mooning him?

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : Very good. But this will be two days in a row you've negotiated my pants off.

  Frank : Hmm.

  [contemplatively] 

• Fred 'Shred' Taylor : Whoa. Those are some tall birds.

  Frank : Yeah, and their eyes are bigger than their brains, so you should feel right at home.

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : Your ribbing feels affectionate. And I know you're going for more emotional distance.

• Frank : If you're gonna make me pick you up, I expect coffee.

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : There'll be one waiting for you tomorrow. Any other requests?

  Frank : Yeah. Get your car fixed.

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : I'm gonna win you over, bro. It's gonna happen.

  Frank : Calling me "bro" shows the depth of your miscalculation.

• Frank : Rookie always pays.

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : Oh. Yeah. Hazing recognized and accepted.

• Frank : And you had to Google that?

  Fred 'Shred' Taylor : There's no shame in admitting gaps in knowledge.

• Fred 'Shred' Taylor : It's bad, Frank! They won't stop. It's starting to feel extremely targeted!

  Frank : Yeah. Well, they either see you as a food source or a potential mate. Either way, I would just let nature take its course.

• Frank : [pouring a glass of wine as he sings to himself]  And I wipe and I wipe 'till the brown leaves town... Put it in the potty and flush it down... Bye bye poo... Bye bye poo.

• Fred 'Shred' Taylor : I guess I just dig an awkward chick.

  Frank : This is a texture I didn't know you had.