- Donald Davenport: Okay, guys, you have been trained for all kinds of missions, but you are about to enter a soul-bruising, confidence-crushing apocalyptic environment: high school.
- Leo: That's Principal Perry. She has the temperament of a junkyard dog stuffed into a really bad pantsuit.
- Leo: Okay, your social life is determined by where you sit. We can't sit at The Cool Table, but we can be Cool Table Adjacent.
- Bree: F.Y.I., Adam just sat down at the cool table.
- Leo: What? He can't sit THERE! That's where the football players sit with the cheerleaders - and they pride themselves on finding very clever places to stuff your pudding cup.
- Leo: [all suave after Chase chases out the football players] Hello, ladies. You may remember me from health class when I passed out during the miracle of birth video. It's good to see you again.
- Leo: You manhandled the quarterback and pudding-popped the whole defensive line!
- Chase Davenport: What? Aw, great! This is SO gonna come back to haunt my supreme court nomination.
- Chase Davenport: [no longer in Commando Mode] Hey, there's Trent. I better go apologize.
- Bree: Whoa! Slow it up, buttercup.
- Leo: Mail him a greeting card. It's so much more personal.
- Chase Davenport: [as Spike] Losing makes me wanna rip out my own intestines and wear 'em as a headband.
- Principal Perry: Seven seconds left. Now remember, kids, there's no shame in losing. Oh, wait! Yes, there is! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Game on!
- [Chase's Commando App disengages in the midst of playing football]
- Chase Davenport: Wait. Where am I? And... am I wearing a jock strap?
- Chase Davenport: Well, we may not be the Alpha Dogs anymore, but at least we still have each other. We're not total nobodies.
- Leo: No, we are total nobodies, but at least I have you three to carry my broken butt home.
- Donald Davenport: No, see, in the face of an imminent threat, Chase's Commando App kicks in and he becomes a fearless brute I like to call Spike. It's kinda like a fight-or-flight thing, except I took out the flight part, 'cause - useless - and I replaced it with a testosterone level of, like, a Tasmanian devil-wolverine-shark-lion hybrid that's mad.
- Adam: Guys, look. The cheerleaders cut up my food into tiny pieces. I'm eating a turkey burger through a straw. Mm, gibblet-y.