- Andy Bernard: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good.
- Toby Flenderson: Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream and run.
- Nellie Bertram: Dwight, you are the Vice President.
- Dwight Schrute: Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Okay! Come on! Right on! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Boom!
- Andy Bernard: Morning, everyone.
- Kevin Malone: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
- Andy Bernard: Don't care. Tell me later.
- Kevin Malone: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
- Andy Bernard: What do you got?
- Kelly Kapoor: Oh, my god!
- Phyllis Vance: Do you have a black eye?
- Andy Bernard: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
- Kevin Malone: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
- Andy Bernard: What?
- Kevin Malone: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
- Darryl Philbin: Andy, who punched you?
- Meredith Palmer: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
- Angela Martin-Lipton: Black eye, Meredith.
- Kelly Kapoor: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
- Andy Bernard: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
- Pam Beesly: That's true.
- Andy Bernard: They had, uh... weapons.
- Pam Beesly: Weapons.
- Andy Bernard: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
- Pam Beesly: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
- Andy Bernard: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
- Pam Beesly: Thank goodness he was there.
- Oscar Martinez: Good job, Andy.
- Kevin Malone: Yeah
- [all murmuring]
- Andy Bernard: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.
- Irene: My husband was my best friend. He passed away.
- Erin Hannon: My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and we're not really friends.
- Irene: Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him.
- Toby Flenderson: Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.
- Nellie Bertram: Bloody loam I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls and I didn't even get a callback.
- Jim Halpert: Which... . Spice Girl?
- Nellie Bertram: The black one.