- Jeff Winger: What do you mean, Greendale doesn't exist?
- Dr. Heidi: Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I'm alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.
- Annie Edison: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not real. You're lying.
- Dr. Heidi: Search your mind for the real memories. Try to look past the trauma you've been blocking out.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What trauma?
- Dr. Heidi: You all came to this community college after your lives had fractured. Pill addiction, failed legal career, broken marriage, lost scholarship, old.
- Britta Perry: Enough! I don't want to hear mine. And, if we were going to fabricate a delusion, why would we fabricate a community college?
- Dr. Heidi: Ah, yes, this fantastical community college where everything that happens is unbelievably ridiculous and it all revolves around you as a group. The same reason anyone plunges into psychosis, miss Perry. It was a mentally-compatible alternative to your grim reality.
- Officer Cackowski: Hey, before I go, you really shouldn't be using this to prop open your building's door. This is an antique fire brick, I'd say pre-civil war. Note the uneven orange hue and the embossment on the back. Quite a nifty little piece of Americana. You could get fifty, sixty bucks for it from the right collector.
- [blank stares]
- Officer Cackowski: I watch a lot of "Antiques Roadshow".
- Dr. Heidi: Because, Ms. Edison, Greendale is purgatory, and I am the Devil.
- Jeff Winger: What?
- Troy Barnes: I knew it!
- Jeff Winger: [slaps Troy] Stop letting him make you realize stuff!
- Annie Edison: [singing] Troy and Abed and Annie in the morning!
- Troy Barnes: What are you doing?
- Annie Edison: Nothing.
- Annie Edison, Troy Barnes: Nothing my ass.
- [Gestures to the empty space around]
- Annie Edison, Troy Barnes: What are all these cameras doing here?
- Britta Perry: Did anybody bring anything that isn't poison? I need to eat natural, organic foods, or I'm never gonna get rid of this hangover.
- Officer Cackowski: Found your friend going through the dumpster outside the administration building in Greendale again.
- Abed Nadir: [as Inspector Spacetime] This cadet could use a lesson in intergalactic protocol.
- Annie Edison: It's okay, officer. He's just playing a character from TV.
- Officer Cackowski: Oh, yes, I'm very familiar with Inspector Spacetime. You think a guy becomes a cop because his prom night was a dream? If this were comic-con, I'd take a bullet for that kid.
- Shirley Bennett: Look at us. Still together as a group even, what, two months after being kicked out of you know where.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah, good thing I came up with this idea for potluck dinners.
- Shirley Bennett: Pierce, all you said was, "I'm hungry."
- Pierce Hawthorne: All Henry Ford said was, "I need a ride."
- Dr. Heidi: Frankly, these stories you've been telling me are very troubling.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You're troubled? I don't remember any of those things happening.
- [Gestures to Troy, Abed, and Annie]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Since when do these three live together?
- Dr. Heidi: All of this behavior started after you were expelled?
- Annie Edison: There may have been a ramp-up.
- [abrupt cut to group study room f]
- Abed Nadir: [moaning as custodian manually resets an analog clock back one hour]
- Troy Barnes: It's okay, buddy. Just a few more minutes, and we're good until spring, okay?
- Abed Nadir: But it doesn't make any sense.
- Annie Edison: Think of it this way. We get the hour back later in the year.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah.
- Abed Nadir: [confused, shrieks wide-eyed with terror]
- Troy Barnes: Uh, guys, while we were remembering Chang is crazy, the fake doctor sneaked away.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, crap!
- Annie Edison: What?
- Annie Edison: There goes our only chance of clearing our names.
- Britta Perry: You guys, forget about us. The Dean has been kidnapped. He's out there somewhere, alone and cold and most likely trying to cobble together a sexy Patty Hearst costume.
- Jeff Winger: Britta's right. Wait, what?
- Shirley Bennett: We need to rescue the Dean.
- Pierce Hawthorne: We need to get back to that school.
- Abed Nadir: And we definitely never need to do another paintball.
- Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: Yeah.
- Jeff Winger: See, therapy does work. We're cured.
- Dean Pelton: [observers Annie and Darcy pass each other in the hall wearing identical outfits] Darcy, you've got a cold.
- Darcy: I feel fine.
- Dean Pelton: You're sick. Go home!
- [begins shooing Darcy out of the scene as Annie watches]
- Dean Pelton: Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here!
- Abed Nadir: [as Inspector Spacetime] He's not the real Dean. He's been replaced by an identical life-form for some nefarious purpose.
- [to Troy]
- Abed Nadir: Reggie, to the time booth. We haven't much... space.
- Annie Edison: Where's Abed? Have you seen Abed?
- [Knock on door. Troy goes to open it]
- Troy Barnes: He's probably out getting something really cool for the dinner.
- [He opens the door]
- Troy Barnes: See? Cool. Abed brought delicious police.
- Dr. Heidi: It sounds as though this Greendale had quite an effect on all of you. You should all definitely stop dwelling on it if you want to be healthy.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, come on, it wasn't all bad. I was there longer than anybody, and I'm fine. How are you? Why do you ask? 3:30.
- Troy Barnes: [chuckles] Uh-oh.
- Dr. Heidi: And so as a group, do you always indulge Abed in these little misadventures?
- Troy Barnes: Take that back. Our adventures are very manly.
- Dr. Heidi: I have to say there's nothing more important to mental health than a support system. And assuming that this group is, for Abed, said support system, I think I've heard everything I need to hear in order to make a decision. I think that Abed should be committed.
- Jeff Winger: You mean committed to his character work, right? Because he already is. Abed, show him your Don Draper.
- Abed Nadir: Cigarettes.
- [everybody laughs]
- Dr. Heidi: No, I mean an institution.
- Jeff Winger: You mean like marriage?
- Dr. Heidi: I mean a mental institution.
- Jeff Winger: [Groucho Marx impersonation] Ah... so do I.
- [normal voice]
- Jeff Winger: Will someone please help me lighten the mood?
- Troy Barnes: [Crying] Please, Mr. Dr. psychiatrist, sir, please don't send my best friend to crazy people jail.
- Dr. Heidi: You say you started as a Spanish study group. Do any of you speak Spanish?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Mi hambre es bombero tirantes.
- [Translation: My hunger is fireman suspenders]
- Annie Edison: Chang... What are you doing?
- Ben Chang: I'm predicting future crimes.
- Garrett Lambert: [Garrett, who is in a tub, electrodes attached to his head, sneezes] Now I'm sick.
- Ben Chang: See, you said that would happen. You are a pre-cog!
- Annie Edison: Troy, is that a casserole?
- Troy Barnes: It's bagel bites in a deconstructed hot pocket reduction with a doritos glaze.
- Abed Nadir: [Narrating while Peirce is having lunch] Time enough at last to eat a sandwich. Though even he knew that this sandwich was nearer his last sandwich than his first...
- Pierce Hawthorne: Abed, I'm trying to eat.
- Abed Nadir: He said, oldly, his brittle bones straining to support the weight of his wrinkly skin.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Stop narrating me!
- Abed Nadir: He shouted to no one, just a man alone in time with nothing but the cold squishiness of tuna salad to comfort him.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I take it back. I don't want to be in your novel.
- [Leaves in a huff]
- Abed Nadir: Pierce Hawthorne had nearly lost his grip on reality. Lately, he'd begun to think he was in a novel...
- Dr. Heidi: If Abed is as sick as you all say, then I have no...
- Britta Perry: Wait a minute. Nobody in this room gets to define sick.
- Dr. Heidi: I do. I'm a psychiatrist. Any kind of doctor can really.
- Britta Perry: Really?
- Dr. Heidi: Yes.
- Dr. Heidi: I have to say, I didn't expect to see so many of you.
- Jeff Winger: Abed won't go to any kind of doctor on his own. We caught him last year trying to remove his own tonsils.
- Dr. Heidi: Well, why don't you let me take it from here?
- Dr. Heidi: Talk to me about crazy-town banana pants.
- Jeff Winger: Look, we're just saying it's been a crazy year for everybody. Who among us hasn't had the odd banana in his or her pants, right?
- Britta Perry: I have.
- [laughter]
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: [harmonizing] Troy and Abed in the morning.
- [quietly]
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: Nightsss.
- Troy Barnes: [normal voice] Welcome back, all you night owls.
- Abed Nadir: [dials out] Troy, why don't we open up the phone lines?
- Troy Barnes: Talk to us, lonely hearts.
- Abed Nadir: We got Jeff W. calling.
- Jeff Winger: [awakened] Hello?
- Troy Barnes: Hey, Jeff, what's your question?
- Jeff Winger: Who is this?
- Troy Barnes: Great question. We're us.
- Jeff Winger: [irritated] You guys, it's 3:00 in the morning. I'm trying to sleep.
- Abed Nadir: I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff. Why don't you stay on the line and we'll get your information.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, we'll get you the help you need.
- Abed Nadir: Our next caller's Annie E. What's on your mind tonight, Annie?
- Annie Edison: Hey, guys, long time, first time, love the show.
- Troy Barnes: Aw, appreciate ya. How can we help?
- Annie Edison: [bangs on the adjoining wall and yells emphatically] You can shut up and go to sleep!
- Abed Nadir: [quietly] Well, Jacks and Jills, that's about all the time we have tonight.
- Troy Barnes: [quietly] Yeah, until next time, may your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be "spooky monster" scary and not "grandma died" scary.
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: [quietly harmonizing] Troy and Abed in the morning
- Troy Barnes: [loud whisper] Nightsss.
- Jeff Winger: These aren't even good lies.
- Dr. Heidi: All right, fine, I had to come up with something. You were getting too close.
- Shirley Bennett: Close to what?
- Dr. Heidi: *To the truth*. The Indian kid was right.
- Shirley Bennett: He's Arabic.
- Abed Nadir: Also Polish.
- Dr. Heidi: Whatever. I'm a fake psychiatrist, not a fake ethnologist. The point is your Dean was kidnapped by Ben Chang and replaced with a double. I was hired to keep you off the scent.
- Shirley Bennett: Chang kidnapped the Dean? Even for him, that's insane.
- Jeff Winger: Is it? Think about it.
- Professor #1: [standing in front of a blackboard on which he has just finished writing "Baby Talk"] My name is Pwofussa Wobinswin. Who's weady to wearn?
- Abed Nadir: I'm not crazy.
- Dr. Heidi: Well, Abed, I don't deal in crazy. I deal in help.
- Dr. Heidi: [to the group] So how long has Abed needed a crazy amount of help?