Community (TV Series)
Curriculum Unavailable (2012)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Winger : What do you mean, Greendale doesn't exist?
Dr. Heidi : Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I'm alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.
Annie Edison : No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not real. You're lying.
Dr. Heidi : Search your mind for the real memories. Try to look past the trauma you've been blocking out.
Pierce Hawthorne : What trauma?
Dr. Heidi : You all came to this community college after your lives had fractured. Pill addiction, failed legal career, broken marriage, lost scholarship, old.
Britta Perry : Enough! I don't want to hear mine. And, if we were going to fabricate a delusion, why would we fabricate a community college?
Dr. Heidi : Ah, yes, this fantastical community college where everything that happens is unbelievably ridiculous and it all revolves around you as a group. The same reason anyone plunges into psychosis, miss Perry. It was a mentally-compatible alternative to your grim reality.
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Dr. Heidi : Because, Ms. Edison, Greendale is purgatory, and I am the Devil.
Jeff Winger : What?
Troy Barnes : I knew it!
Jeff Winger : [slaps Troy] Stop letting him make you realize stuff!
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Troy Barnes : Uh, guys, while we were remembering Chang is crazy, the fake doctor sneaked away.
Jeff Winger : Oh, crap!
Annie Edison : What?
Annie Edison : There goes our only chance of clearing our names.
Britta Perry : You guys, forget about us. The Dean has been kidnapped. He's out there somewhere, alone and cold and most likely trying to cobble together a sexy Patty Hearst costume.
Jeff Winger : Britta's right. Wait, what?
Shirley Bennett : We need to rescue the Dean.
Pierce Hawthorne : We need to get back to that school.
Abed Nadir : And we definitely never need to do another paintball.
Annie Edison , Britta Perry , Shirley Bennett : Yeah.
Jeff Winger : See, therapy does work. We're cured.
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Dr. Heidi : And so as a group, do you always indulge Abed in these little misadventures?
Troy Barnes : Take that back. Our adventures are very manly.
Dr. Heidi : I have to say there's nothing more important to mental health than a support system. And assuming that this group is, for Abed, said support system, I think I've heard everything I need to hear in order to make a decision. I think that Abed should be committed.
Jeff Winger : You mean committed to his character work, right? Because he already is. Abed, show him your Don Draper.
Abed Nadir : Cigarettes.
[everybody laughs]
Dr. Heidi : No, I mean an institution.
Jeff Winger : You mean like marriage?
Dr. Heidi : I mean a mental institution.
Jeff Winger : [Groucho Marx impersonation] Ah... so do I.
[normal voice]
Jeff Winger : Will someone please help me lighten the mood?
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Dr. Heidi : I have to say, I didn't expect to see so many of you.
Jeff Winger : Abed won't go to any kind of doctor on his own. We caught him last year trying to remove his own tonsils.
Dr. Heidi : Well, why don't you let me take it from here?
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Dr. Heidi : Talk to me about crazy-town banana pants.
Jeff Winger : Look, we're just saying it's been a crazy year for everybody. Who among us hasn't had the odd banana in his or her pants, right?
Britta Perry : I have.
[laughter]
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Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir : [harmonizing] Troy and Abed in the morning.
[quietly]
Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir : Nightsss.
Troy Barnes : [normal voice] Welcome back, all you night owls.
Abed Nadir : [dials out] Troy, why don't we open up the phone lines?
Troy Barnes : Talk to us, lonely hearts.
Abed Nadir : We got Jeff W. calling.
Jeff Winger : [awakened] Hello?
Troy Barnes : Hey, Jeff, what's your question?
Jeff Winger : Who is this?
Troy Barnes : Great question. We're us.
Jeff Winger : [irritated] You guys, it's 3:00 in the morning. I'm trying to sleep.
Abed Nadir : I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff. Why don't you stay on the line and we'll get your information.
Troy Barnes : Yeah, we'll get you the help you need.
Abed Nadir : Our next caller's Annie E. What's on your mind tonight, Annie?
Annie Edison : Hey, guys, long time, first time, love the show.
Troy Barnes : Aw, appreciate ya. How can we help?
Annie Edison : [bangs on the adjoining wall and yells emphatically] You can shut up and go to sleep!
Abed Nadir : [quietly] Well, Jacks and Jills, that's about all the time we have tonight.
Troy Barnes : [quietly] Yeah, until next time, may your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be "spooky monster" scary and not "grandma died" scary.
Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir : [quietly harmonizing] Troy and Abed in the morning
Troy Barnes : [loud whisper] Nightsss.
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Jeff Winger : These aren't even good lies.
Dr. Heidi : All right, fine, I had to come up with something. You were getting too close.
Shirley Bennett : Close to what?
Dr. Heidi : *To the truth*. The Indian kid was right.
Shirley Bennett : He's Arabic.
Abed Nadir : Also Polish.
Dr. Heidi : Whatever. I'm a fake psychiatrist, not a fake ethnologist. The point is your Dean was kidnapped by Ben Chang and replaced with a double. I was hired to keep you off the scent.
Shirley Bennett : Chang kidnapped the Dean? Even for him, that's insane.
Jeff Winger : Is it? Think about it.
