Community (TV Series)

Basic Lupine Urology (2012)

Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

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Quotes 

• Jeff Winger : If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.

  Annie Edison : Jeff, technically, you *are* about to be screwed in the biology room because our final project has been destroyed.

• Dean Pelton : Mr. Winger, what is the intention here?

  Jeff Winger : Simple. When Todd smashed our yam, he stole an "A" from us. We want it back.

  Colonel Archwood : You mean *if* he smashed the yam. All you have is the word of this Mr. Star-Burns, who offers up no explanation as to why he was at the scene.

  Dean Pelton : How about it, Jeffrey? What was Star-Burns doing there?

  Jeff Winger : We agreed to withold that information as part of a pinky swear with the witness.

  Colonel Archwood : A pinky swear? This is ludicrous. This whole school is ludicrous. Who honors the pinky swear of a degenerate over the word of a decorated soldier?

  Dean Pelton : I'm inclined to agree with the man in uniform.

  Jeff Winger : Shocker.

  Dean Pelton : Tell us what Star-Burns was doing in that classroom, or your group can take an "F".

  Professor Marshall Kane : Hold up, hold up, hold up. *I* grade my students. Now, what Star-Burns was doing there is irrelevant. What matters is what he saw. I'm upholding the pinky swear.

  Colonel Archwood : What?

  Professor Marshall Kane : Yo, man. You spent your life in the Army. I spent mine in prison. Two places where a man's word is only as good as his uniform. Now, out here it's supposed to be different, and in my class it will be. You two can plead your case to the class and let them decide your grades.

  Jeff Winger : Professor, thank you.

  Professor Marshall Kane : It's not a favor, Mr. Winger. A man's gotta have a code.

• Señor Chang : Move along, nothing to see here.

  Jeff Winger : First time those words have actually been true.

• Colonel Archwood : Objection, she's clearly ramping up to something.

  Jeff Winger : Objection, that's not a real objection.

  Professor Marshall Kane : Objection, I hate the both of you. You may proceed, Ms. Edison, but do so with caution. Need I remind you this is not a courtroom?

• Jeff Winger : Keep the change, Garrett. You know what? Keep the hot dog.

• Jeff Winger : [speaking to Annie Edison]  A man's got to have a code. I can only assume there is a female equivalent to that. A "codette" or something.

• Jeff Winger : Why was it so hard for all of us to grow a yam? It's just a stupid yam in a stupid jar. We're all fully-grown adults failing a kindergarten project.

  Professor Marshall Kane : Can I object?

  Annie Edison : I'll allow it.

  Jeff Winger : Sustained.

• Professor Marshall Kane : Can I object?

  Annie Edison : I'll allow it.

  Jeff Winger : Sustained.

• Jeff Winger : He's Star-Burns. Break into his locker. You'll find enough dirt to bury him.

  Annie Edison : Jeff, that's not ethical.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, so now you're finding your softness? I say do what you have to do. It's too late to get compassionate. We only have time to get justice.

• Jeff Winger : We have no case, Annie.

  Annie Edison : It's too late to get one, Jeff. We only have time to get justice.

• Professor Marshall Kane : [bangs tape dispenser three times]  All right. After speaking to the wronged parties, I've decided to...

  Jeff Winger : Uh, if it pleases the bio class, I have closing arguments.

  Professor Marshall Kane : Of course you do.