- Britta Perry: Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist...
- Jeff Winger: Student.
- Britta Perry: ...I hereby offer my licensed...
- Jeff Winger: Unlicensed.
- Britta Perry: ...services as a grief counsellor.
- Jeff Winger: Grief causer.
- Britta Perry: If anyone needs to talk, the doctor...
- Jeff Winger: Not even close.
- Britta Perry: ...is in.
- Jeff Winger: [dispassionately] I know it's sad, but death is a natural part of life and by the time I finish this sentence, a hundred people will have died in China.
- Troy Barnes: [wide-eye panicked] Why did you stop talking?
- [checks phone]
- Troy Barnes: I have to call my pen pal...
- Carl - Board Member #1: I think I've heard enough and I don't see what choice I have. Greendale Seven - Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorn, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes - you are hereby expelled from Greendale Community College. May God have mercy on your souls.
- Pierce Hawthorne: 13 years of college down the drain.
- Troy Barnes: I was gonna be the first one in my family to graduate from community college. Everyone else graduated from normal college.
- Abed Nadir: [about Star-Burns' video] Some one-armed guy with a scar on his face dropped it off. He said he was Star-Burns' lawyer.
- Troy Barnes: How one-armed was he? Tell me when to stop.
- [Uses his right hand to indicate the length of the missing left arm, growing more excited the higher up he goes]
- Abed Nadir: It was the other arm.
- Britta Perry: [Britta pretends to be Star-Burns and encourages the group to ask her questions, as a way to deal with their grief] Guys, you are doing this wrong. Ask me something personal.
- Abed Nadir: Star-Burns, I didn't know you that well, but why did you smell exactly like salami?
- Britta Perry: Abed!
- Pierce Hawthorne: I got one. Where's my comb?
- Britta Perry: [as Star-Burns] I don't know.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yep, it's him.
- Annie Edison: Why did you tape that switchblade to your ankle?
- Troy Barnes: Why did you always poop with the stall door open?
- Abed Nadir: Is it true you made out with Britta?
- Britta Perry: [annoyed as self] I don't see how that's relevant.
- Pierce Hawthorne: It was Fat Neil's black light party. Vicki saw you.
- Britta Perry: If that's true...
- [as Star-Burns]
- Britta Perry: if... maybe it was because she was really drunk and she had just found out that her first boyfriend was getting married.
- [as self]
- Britta Perry: If you guys are gonna do this wrong, then I'm gonna take these off.
- [attempts to remove fake star-burns affixed to her face]
- Britta Perry: Ow!
- Jeff Winger: [amused] Okay, grief counseling is growing on me.
- [takes picture of Britta wearing fake star-burns]
- Dean Pelton: Ben, how's it "deaning"?
- Ben Chang: Can't "com-Chang." Just needed you to sign this.
- [Hands dean a handwritten list of requests, full of kids' drawings]
- Dean Pelton: Okay. Let's just... give this a little look-a-roo. "Request for increased security." "Cool new uniforms." I like that. "Power to enact martial law," not so much. "Indefinite detention, pepper spray, involuntary cavity searches... *no soft-serve*?"
- Ben Chang: All liquids and gels must be in sealed bottles no larger than 3 ounces.
- Dean Pelton: I'm sorry, Chang, this stuff is too extreme. This is a community college, not an inner-city High School.
- Ben Chang: It's a community college where a degenerate just blew himself up with stolen lab equipment.
- Dean Pelton: To be fair, it was the crystal meth inside the stolen lab equipment that blew him up.
- Ben Chang: That's the problem with you civilian suits. You want the results, but you don't want to know how the sausage gets made. Well, I'll tell you how the sausage gets made. It's a lot of ground meat and it gets stuffed into a casing that looks like a cross between a dude's dong and a poop.
- Dean Pelton: I don't know how that helps me, but please leave.
- Ben Chang: Fine, but you will regret this.
- Dean Pelton: I doubt it.
- Abed Nadir: Star-Burns also left me his ashes. He requested they be burnt. I don't think he knows how ashes work.
- Jeff Winger: Greendale hates its students.
- Dean Pelton: No, no.
- Jeff Winger: It sucks the lives from their bodies and forces their desiccated husks to attend summer school.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, Jeffrey, this is a funeral. Let's keep it light.
- Dean Pelton: [singing to the tune of Come On Eileen] Come on, I'm Dean / And my hands are so clean / At this moment I am sta-aapling!
- Jeff Winger: Oh, come on, everybody. This is a completely unnecessary process.
- Britta Perry: What Jeff's doing right now is called denial and it is the first of five stages of grief that ends with acceptance.
- Jeff Winger: Name any other stage.
- Britta Perry: What are you, my final?
- Annie Edison: [study group sits in silence] You guys, how long are we going to avoid talking about this really serious thing that's happened?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Is it always about the Holocaust with you people?
- Dean Pelton: Okay, then let's move on to the eulogies. Does anyone have anything they wanna say in the memory of Star-Burns?
- [epiphany]
- Dean Pelton: Oh... because his sideburns were shaped like stars. I just got it. I just got that.
- Dean Pelton: Worst wake ever. I'm starting to get nervous about this.
- Ben Chang: Yep, it'd be nice to have some protection, right? Think maybe it's about time you signed this?
- Dean Pelton: Just promise me you'll use restraint.
- Ben Chang: Yep. Every type we got.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [reaches into urn, sifting through the ashes] I know my comb's in here, you son of a bitch!
- Star-Burns: [opening line] Okay... ahh... . um... my name is Alex Osbourne and if you're watching this it means I'm dead, or I'm just showing you. Uh... but I'm probably dead. To my ex-wife Magda, I leave herpes, but she knows that, it's dealt with. As for my collection of Styx albums, I leave that to no one, because that's who appreciated Styx as much as me.
- Nurse: Strange, I'm not finding any pepper spray on you.
- Troy Barnes: Well, check harder. It's not like I'm crying because I was chased by the gang of scary 12-year-olds.