Mike Jeavons: Mike J.

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Mike J. : Hello, I'm a British Person, and welcome to my first video of 2012. Now to mark the occasion, I'm going to do something a little bit different for this one. Now, instead of doing a sequel, prequel or a remake, I'm going to look at a rip-off. I know it's technically not in the rules, you know, and - screw you! It's my show, I can do what I want! Blonde and Blonder, a rip-off of... gee, let me think; even the logo is the same as Dumb and Dumber. Who actually thought this would be a good idea? And who should we cast as the two dumb, young blondes?

  [sees Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards] 

  Mike J. : Oh for... Let's get on with it.

• Mike J. : Look, I know this film is about two dumb blondes, but how could she not know what a DVD player is? It's plugged into the TV and everything. You can't just have characters say stupid things for the sake of it in the hope of a laugh.

  [looks at his tea mug] 

  Mike J. : What's this?

  [puts it on top of his head] 

  Mike J. : It's a hat.

• Mike J. : This is officially the worst cast movie ever. You'd be better off if you'd cast Rob Schneider in the lead role of the Martin Luther King biopic. Now that I'd pay to see!

• Mike J. : Those wacky Canadians... I'm still not having a Phelous cameo.

• [last lines] 

  Mike J. : Why does this film exist? Who thought any of this would be a good idea? It's insulting in so many different ways, I can't even begin to list them. OK, fine, I will. It's a rip-off, terrible structure, no likeability, terrible script, awful cast, poorly acted, not funny, makes no sense, it's rage-inducing, vomit-inducing, shitty, sucky, crappy, pissy, annoying, horrible, nasty, all tits, big tits, no tits, ARGH! Now, I'm no feminist. I mean, I'd happily slap the ass and tickle the fanny of a bit of passing T and A, but this film is just... not very good.