Community (TV Series)
Pillows and Blankets (2012)
Keith David: Narrator
Quotes
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Narrator : The North Cafeteria, named after Admiral William North, is located in the western portion of East Hall, gateway to the western half of North Hall, which is named not after William North, but for its position above the south wall. It is the most contested and confusing battlefield on Greendale's campus, next to the English Memorial Spanish Center, named after English Memorial, a Portuguese sailor that discovered Greendale while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis.
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Narrator : Chang has recruited a team of pre-teen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. They were later nicknamed the Changlourious Basterds. Like Inglourious Basterds but with "Chang" instead of "in". I don't get it either.
Annie Edison : One of the soldiers said they were making trophies out of mattress tags. This was as ugly as things could get... while still being a pillow fight.
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Jeff Winger : Come on, guys, let's wrap this up.
Abed Nadir : I don't wanna.
Troy Barnes : Me neither.
Jeff Winger : Why not?
Abed Nadir : This is gonna be the last thing we ever do together.
Troy Barnes : We can't stop.
Jeff Winger : Look, doesn't that kinda solve your problem, the realization that you like each other so much you'd hit each other with pillows forever?
Abed Nadir : Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.
Troy Barnes : Yeah. We're grown ups now. We have grown up problems.
Jeff Winger : That's very clear. Unless you use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.
Troy Barnes : We're not stupid, Jeffrey. We know you made those sarcastically.
Jeff Winger : Yes, yes. And I will roll my eyes at both of you when I put them on your heads, because that's the way I am. But that's not the way you have to be.
Abed Nadir : We might be interested.
Jeff Winger : Okay, then. Here's your magical friendship hats, and...
Troy Barnes : Jeff.
Jeff Winger : What?
Abed Nadir : You left the magical friendship hats at the dean's office.
Jeff Winger : Right. Of course. I'll go get them.
Annie Edison : [on tape] So Jeff went out and he stayed out long enough to make them believe he had gone to the office. It was a nice touch.
Jeff Winger : [back in the scene, with the imaginary hats] Here you go. Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?
[Troy and Abed use their secret handshake, and all is well]
Narrator : [voice over] Britta Perry is there to immortalize the moment on film accidentally, while trying to get a moment of the light hitting a stack of nearby waffles.
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Narrator : Just after dawn, the end of the war begins.
Dean Pelton : [during the final battle, the Dean interrupts with a whistle] Well, that's it! I just heard from the Guinness rep he's not coming! He's been fired in what he's described as the world's biggest mistake. I doubt that will make the next edition. Anyway, it's over! What a colossal waste of two and a half days!
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Narrator : Winger's critics suggest he merely improvised hot-button patriotic dogma in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt to delay schoolwork. Winger decries the accusation as "A slanderous betrayal akin to 9/11." Later after the war, he would refer to the theory as "essentially accurate."
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Narrator : Britta Perry attempts to capture the war's sublime indignities on film. Unfortunately for Britta and millions of photographers like her, just because something is in black and white doesn't mean it's good.
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Narrator : Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir. Friends so close, they once graced the cover of Friends Weekly, a pretend magazine of their own design.
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Narrator : Rules are agreed upon, but casualties are inevitable. Outside the science lab, at the Battle of Big Bulletin Board, Pierce Hawthorne suffers broken glasses, a hurt finger, and erectile dysfunction, which, in his words, had never happened ever before that battle.
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Narrator : When an opportunity arises for a world record, it creates a rift. Troy wants to go for the record using blankets for rapid expansion. Abed insists on pillows, declaring world records to be dumb. Troy declares the declaration lame, stating that thinking records are dumb is stupid.
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Narrator : In 2012, Greendale Community College was the site of the largest and longest pillow fight in community college history. It shaped and scarred the landscape of their campus and forever changed the lives of those involved. A health care administration student, who turned the storage room into a sanctuary for soldiers with broken glasses and lightly grazed testicles. A high school dropout and amateur photographer whose borrowed camera would capture some of the war's blurriest, most poorly framed moments. A disgraced former lawyer whose words would inspire tens of students to take up pillows and fight, most likely to avoid an upcoming test. A loving wife and mother who would prove to be as skilled at kicking asses as she was at wiping them. The dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire, who would prove to be the dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire. The sensitive high school quarterback who became commander in chief of his own army. He would later say of the war, "it was awesome, but also, it wasn't." And his socially dysfunctional best friend turned bitter rival, an uncompromising tactical mastermind feared by all yet unable to pay parking tickets or know left from right into a conflict lasting days, costing hundreds of dollars and resulting in over 12 transfers.
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Narrator : The deadline divides friendships, families, even study groups. Pierce Hawthorne takes Troy's side, citing that Abed is weirder and more foreign. Shirley Bennett decides her allegiance in a text message to her husband.
Shirley Bennett : [Narrates the text message] I'll be home late, sugar boots. Abed hurt Troy's feelings by being a robot. Need to stay with my boy to make sure Britta doesn't put him on the weed. Please record "Forensic Files".
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Narrator : Between two groups of people who want to make inconsistent kinds of worlds, I see no remedy but force. Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Shirley Bennett : There was a point where all I saw were feathers. Then I started swinging. And then I hit something and heard someone fall. Could've been somebody from my side.
[...]
Shirley Bennett : There are people who say, I don't get it. So it was a pillow fight, to which I say... You weren't there.
[...]
Shirley Bennett : There were no rules in that first battle. You hit someone, and if they went down, you stop hitting them. Call that Common Courtesy. Then what if they get up? Do you maybe keep hitting them till they learn to stay down? We call that Common Sense.
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Narrator : Midnight comes, and a campus holds its breath.
Neil : I know there's a lot of blanket stackers and pillow packers out there thinking it's going to go down tonight. But there's a lot of us folks from the scene in between saying, Hey, we're all looking to chill out and lay down with someone special. This is real Neil with pipes of steel, signing of with the smooth sounds of daybreak.
[...]
Narrator : 12:07 A.M. Blanketsburg soldiers charge a pillow fort in the library. The Pillowtonians move quickly to defend.
[...]
Narrator : The battle lasts six minutes. No territory changes hands.
