- Michael De Santa: You... are a hipster!
- Trevor Philips: What?
- Michael De Santa: You're a hipster.
- Trevor Philips: I hate hipsters.
- Michael De Santa: Classic hipster denial.
- Trevor Philips: I abhor hipsters. I eat them for fun!
- Michael De Santa: Hipsters love saying they hate hipsters.
- Trevor Philips: Well, I really fucking do!
- Michael De Santa: Self hatred. Common hipster affliction.
- Trevor Philips: Only because I'm living out here away from the Bean Machines, and the bankers?
- Michael De Santa: You're gentrifying. Soon, the skinny jeans will show up, then the skinny lattes, and then the bankers. And you'll be somewhere else starting the cycle all over again. Maybe you're not a classic garden variety hipster, but you're what the hipsters aspire to be. You, Trevor, are the proto-hipster.
- Trevor Philips: I don't know what you're talking about. I don't agree with what you're saying. You're talking bullshit. And you're trying to wind me up. But I'm very, very angry, and I want this conversation to stop right away.
- Michael De Santa: Hipster.
- Trevor Philips: Fuck you! Fuck you, Michael! Say it again!
- Michael De Santa: I've made my point. I'm not a sadist.
- Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Your son, James. He's a good kid?
- Michael De Santa: He's a good kid? A good kid? Why? Does he help the fucking poor? No. He sits on his ass all day, smoking dope and jerking off while he plays that fucking game. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.
- [from trailer]
- Michael De Santa: Why did I move here? I guess it was the weather. Or the... Ah, I don't know, that thing. That magic. You see it in the movies. I wanted to retire. From what I was doing, you know? From that, that... line of work. Be a good guy for once, a family man. So, I bought a big house. Came here, put my feet up, and thought I'd be a dad like all the other dads. My kids, would be like the kids on TV, we play ball and sit in the sun... But well, you know how it is.
- Jimmy De Santa: Hey, let's bounce.
- Michael De Santa: Bounce? We're bouncing now? Is that what we're doing? Jesus fucking Christ.
- Simeon Yetarian: You tell me exactly what you want, and I will very carefully explain to you why it cannot be.
- Franklin: What?
- Michael De Santa: Surviving is winning, Franklin, everything else is bullshit. Fairy tales spun by people too afraid to look life in the eye. Whatever it takes, kid: survive.
- Franklin: Damn straight.
- Elwood O'Neil: [over phone] Trevor Philips.
- Trevor Philips: Elwood O'Neil, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, Fuck you!
- Elwood O'Neil: Trevor, it's business.
- Trevor Philips: That wide-eyed idiot was mine!
- Elwood O'Neil: It's business, fella! You wanna discuss it, we're at the farm! Ernie, Earl, Walton, Wynn, Dale, Doyle, Daryl, Dan - all of us!
- Trevor Philips: Start writing those names on tombstones, 'cause I'm on the way to your lab, and we're going to see how much of a family meth business you got when I'm done!
- [hangs up and growls]
- Trevor Philips: All! Of! You! Are! Going! To! Die!
- Michael De Santa: [during a robbery] Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make me ruin all the great work your plastic surgeons have been doing!
- Trevor Philips: Is that sarcasm?
- Michael De Santa: Oh, you're fucking A-right it's sarcasm! You fuck! A few weeks ago, I was happily retired, sulking by my swimming pool, and my psychotic best friend shows up out of nowhere to torture me over mistakes I made, honest mistakes I made over a decade ago! We, our little posse, are flat fucking broke, but hey, let's go out and spend two million dollars on a tandem rotor fucking chopper, so I can go steal nerve gas from fucking terrorists! Forgive me, you ignorant fuck, but sarcasm is all I've fucking got! Sarcasm, and a room full of you cunts!
- Michael De Santa: Trevor! Answer the fucking question!
- Trevor Philips: I asked for a fair day's pay after a fair day's work. Then he kinda got a little angry so, I admit, I kinda got a little angry.
- Michael De Santa: Did you kill him?
- Trevor Philips: What kind of fuckin' animal do you take me for? No, I didn't kill him.
- Michael De Santa: Oh fuck.
- Trevor Philips: But I did kidnap his wife!
- Michael De Santa: Oh no! Oh shit! The fuck did you do?
- Trevor Philips: [In baby voice] Oh I just told you what I just did.
- Wade Herbert: There's two Michael Townleys living in LS. One is 83 and the other is in kindergarten. I asked the teacher to put him on the phone just to be safe. She threatened to call the cops. I ain't no molester, Trevor.
- Trevor Philips: Shut up before I molest you, alright.
- Lamar Davis: Wassup, can a loc come up in your crib?
- Franklin: Man, fuck you. I'll see you at work.
- Lamar Davis: Ah, nigga, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, nigga. Maybe if you got rid of that old yee-yee ass haircut you got you'd get some bitches on your dick. Oh, better yet, maybe Tanisha'll call your dog-ass if she ever stop fuckin' with that brain surgeon or lawyer she fucking with. Nigga...
- Franklin: What?
- Lamar Davis: I'm getting my money in the hood, I'm straight, fool. I'm cool!
- Franklin: You cool? Cool what? Slinging dope and throwing up gang signs?
- Franklin: [as he, Michael and Trevor stand over Devin Weston, bound and gagged in a trunk] My bad, homie. I picked C. Ain't that a bitch?
- Wade Herbert: Floyd, it's me. Wade.
- Floyd Herbert: Who?
- Wade Herbert: Me, Wade. Your cousin.
- Floyd Herbert: Who?
- Trevor Philips: [kicks open the door, knocking Floyd down] Your cousin! Fuck. He's come to visit you, you rude fuck. Now get up off the floor and fix me a fucking drink.
- Wade Herbert: I looked through the phone directory, and I did find a Michael De Santa. About the right age, married with two kids.
- Trevor Philips: What's his wife's name?
- Wade Herbert: Amanda.
- Trevor Philips: Amanda? You're a genius, you moron. Come on, come here.
- [offers his hand to help Wade up, only to punch him down again]
- Trevor Philips: Don't you ever not tell me things I wanna know!
- Franklin: Fuck man, you know how it is, homie. You just start running and shit. Then all of a sudden your legs give in and you just can't run no more.
- Michael De Santa: What a shit show. I'll tell you what, you could take this desert, and stick it. My life may be a world of pain, but from here on out it's gonna be cool, comfortable, air-conditioned pain.
- Simeon Yetarian: This racist insulted me.
- Lamar Davis: What's up, foo? Who you callin' a nigga?
- Jimmy De Santa: No, no, I'm not calling nobody a nigga.
- Lamar Davis: What the fuck?
- Jimmy De Santa: I mean, N-word. I... that's not cool, man. I don't say that.
- Lamar Davis: You fuckin' right and you better keep it right.
- Jimmy De Santa: Like, the other day, he posts this picture of his newborn, and I'm all like, "Damn, son. That right there is one ugly-ass motherfucker of a baby." And I'm all like "My balls is prettier than that baby," and then I send him a picture of my balls. "I seen roadkill prettier than that baby. What the hell is wrong with your baby?" And he's all like, "Actually there's a problem with its chromosomes," or something, and it's actually a miracle it survived birth. And I'm all like, "It's actually a miracle I survived looking at a picture of its ugly..."
- Michael De Santa: Enough, alright, e-fucking-nough. I get it.
- Michael De Santa: [Ending A; Trevor burns alive and then perishes in a fiery explosion] You always liked gasoline, Trevor!
- Franklin: Man, that was your best fucking friend!
- Michael De Santa: [walks away] Fuck you. Aahh! You know what, tough guy? It's... it's time you grow the fuck up.
- [anguished]
- Michael De Santa: I mean, I admit I'm a bad piece of work. But that guy? That piece of shit! No boundaries. No sense of when to back off. No nothing! Twenty four seven insanity! Day in and day out! All the time! Never regretted nothing. Never cared for nothing. Well, fuck him. I mean... there's gotta be a limit, kid. You know? A point where even assholes like us say enough is e-fucking-nough. Human stew... that's my limit. I know that now.
- Franklin: I guess that's that then.
- Michael De Santa: You know, Devin, the way I see it, and hey, I'm no intelligent businessman like you. But the way I see it, there's two great evils that bedevil American capitalism of the kind you practice: Number one is outsourcing. You paid a private company to do your dirty work, and then you under paid that company because you thought you were big enough and bad enough that you didn't have to play by the rules. Oh, number two: off-shoring your profits.
- Trevor Philips: Off-shore?
- Michael De Santa: Oh, it's horrible. You wouldn't want to be sent off-shore just to save a little money, would you, T?
- Trevor Philips: Oh, no, I wouldn't.
- Michael De Santa: Franklin?
- Franklin: Oh, nah. I ain't goin' nowhere.
- Michael De Santa: But we know your opinions on the matter, Devin. Keep your problems the fuck out of America, huh?
- Trevor Philips: In this instance, when he puts it like that, it makes sense.
- Michael De Santa: Of course it does. Hey, Devin, goodbye, my old friend. Thanks for all the advice.
- Franklin: Buh-bye.
- Michael De Santa: Come back, we'll order pizza.
- Trevor Philips: Fuck you! Fuck your pizza. Fuck everything it stands for!
- Michelle: [holding a flashlight while interrogating a prisoner] Next, I'll have this thing so far up your ass, your tonsils will be playing shadow puppets.
- [from trailer]
- Michael De Santa: You know, I've been in this game for a lot of years and I got out alive. If you want my advice - give the shit up.
- Ortega: What the fuck, Trevor?
- Trevor Philips: This *is* the fuck, my soggy friend! You are out of business. The Lost MC are out of business. The guns and crank in this area go through Trevor Philips Enterprise, or they ain't going!
- Wade Herbert: Are we nearly there yet?
- Trevor Philips: No, Wade.
- Wade Herbert: Are nearly NEARLY there?
- Trevor Philips: You keep this up, you're not gonna get there at all.
- Trevor Philips: [looking out over Los Santos] So Michael, this is where dead men come back to life. It's been nearly ten years. But you'll keep for another day or so huh, old friend? You motherfucking fuck! I grieved for you! You weren't even fucking dead. You were my best friend. Well guess who's coming to shit on your doorstep, you fuck!
- Trevor Philips: [showing Floyd his dick] Mine ain't nothin' special, but this boy gets the job done.
- Trevor Philips: You're like every other asshole. You made a bit of money, and you became a turd.
- Michael De Santa: I've got news for you, I was always a turd.
- Trevor Philips: No! You weren't, man, you were something, but now, man, yeah, you're like this place, you're shell.
- Michael De Santa: Go fuck yourself. Are you some kind of pure, morally justifiable asshole? What, because you're... You're totally psychotic, somehow it's okay?
- Trevor Philips: I'm honest, alright? You're the hypocrite.
- Michael De Santa: Oh, yeah, you're a fucking hero. So far above it all.
- Trevor Philips: Oh, yeah? Well I'm not above ripping open your fucking chest to see what's replaced your heart!
- Michael De Santa: Rip it open, see what's there, baby, 'cause I'm ready!
- Trevor Philips: Who is this guy using my dead friend's tired-ass movie quotes with my dead friend's alias? And my dead friend's family? In a house that must have been paid for by my dead friend's stashed millions?
- Wade Herbert: Wow, that's a real mind fuck.
- Trevor Philips: Yeah, I'll show you a fucking mind fuck. I'm gonna stick my boy in your eye, it's gonna come out your ear!
- Wade Herbert: I-I-I didn't mean anything by that, T... T-Trevor.
- Trevor Philips: Lube up your eye hole, fucker, 'cause I'm gonna fuck your tiny mind! I'm about ready to turn you into roadkill!
- Wade Herbert: Please, don't turn me into anything. I just wanna be Wade.
- Jimmy De Santa: [Michael is sitting on the couch watching a movie while Jimmy is upstairs playing Righteous Slaughter 7] Dude, do you even have a penis? Or are you one of those hermaphro-dudes born without genitals?
- [Michael turns up the TV, but can still overhear Jimmy's remarks]
- Jimmy De Santa: You suck cock for fun, only secretly, and then you feel bad about it.
- Michael De Santa: [turns off TV and marches upstairs] God dammit. Jimmy! God dammit. The fuck you doin'?
- Jimmy De Santa: Nothing.
- Michael De Santa: Really? Because I keep hearing "hermaphrodite" this and "suck cock" that...
- Jimmy De Santa: Go away.
- Michael De Santa: What?
- Jimmy De Santa: Go watch your linear entertainment. Go watch porn. Just go away.
- Michael De Santa: Fuck, you lazy shit.
- [picks up chair and smashes TV screen with it]
- Michael De Santa: Fuck you!
- Jimmy De Santa: What the fuck?
- Michael De Santa: Disrespectful little asshole!
- Franklin: [they just killed Devin Weston, along with all their other enemies] Now what?
- Michael De Santa: Now to keep a low profile and get on with our lives.
- Trevor Philips: As friends.
- Michael De Santa: What, do I have a choice?
- Trevor Philips: No, not really.
- Michael De Santa: Alright, then. As flawed, awful, totally uncomfortable, poorly matched friends. Absolutely.
- Trevor Philips: Well that's perfect, then we can get back to the kind of capitalism we practice.
- Franklin: Shit, I don't know how much more better that is than Devin's kind.
- Michael De Santa: Ooh, hypocrisy, Franklin. Civilization's greatest virtue.
- Trevor Philips: Jesus, your therapist has a lot to answer for.
- Michael De Santa: I know. I still hate myself. But at least I know the words for it now.
- Trevor Philips: Yeah, but I hate you and I know the words for it. Does that mean I don't have to go to therapy?
- Trevor Philips: So, we ready to go on this?
- Wade Herbert: Yep, although Floyd don't think it's a good idea meetin' at the condo...
- Trevor Philips: Tell Floyd it's a great idea to meet at the condo, and tell him we'll need chips and dip and prostitutes.
- Trevor Philips: [handing her cash] Hey, darling, why don't you go get yourself something nice?
- Aunt Denise: Oh, thank you!
- [pause]
- Aunt Denise: This is only seven dollars...
- Trevor Philips: I said something nice, not expensive! You wanna be a greedy fuckin' cow? Huh? No, now get the fuck outta here!
- Trevor Philips: [stomping Johnny Klebitz to death] Fucking shit, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt! Who the fuck are you speaking to? Who? Who? I'm talking to you huh? You fuck! Next time don't get in my fucking face! I just saw a fucking ghost and I gotta hear your crap? Get up! Get up! Fuck you then.
- Trevor Philips: I know why they call'em handlers, 'cause they handle like a dream.
- Floyd Herbert: This ain't a toy, sir. It's heavy machinery.
- Trevor Philips: Thank fuck I'm high as a kite.
- Floyd Herbert: You should not be operating this vehicle while under the influence.
- Trevor Philips: I'll operate YOU under the influence if you're not careful.
- Amanda De Santa: Get a center, Michael. You have no center.
- Michael De Santa: How about, you suck my cock? Huh? No wait, we'll both get a center before that ever happens!