Community (TV Series)
Studies in Modern Movement (2011)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Winger : Dean Pelton.
Dean Pelton : Jeff, it's Saturday. Call me Craig. Off campus, I'm just a craigular Joe. Ooh, what'd you get? Ah, now I feel like I have to head back out there.
Jeff Winger : Dean... uh, Craig, it's nice to see you but I actually have to run.
Dean Pelton : Oh, yeah, you're probably heading to help Annie move. Right? Oh, I follow Troy and Abed on Twitter. Looks like Annie's moving and you're... sick at the hospital? Curious. I might head there myself. I could tell them you said hi.
Jeff Winger : I'd rather you didn't.
Dean Pelton : Well, maybe I won't have time. Especially if we're doing... lunch?
[long, slow draw on straw]
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Pierce Hawthorne : Hold it. Where's Winger?
Annie Edison : Sick.
Pierce Hawthorne : Pshaw!
Britta Perry : Yeah, I'm calling him.
Jeff Winger : [cell phone rings in changing room]
[fake raspy voice]
Jeff Winger : Hello?
Britta Perry : So you're sick, huh?
Jeff Winger : Uh, that's what they tell me.
Britta Perry : Cut the wit, Winger. Where are you, The Gap or Banana Republic?
Jeff Winger : Wow, Britta, you got me all figured out.
Britta Perry : Well I can tell you're not in bed.
Jeff Winger : That's right, Britta. I'm pretending to be violently ill to avoid lifting a few boxes. Because I'm 13.
Clerk : And who's your primary care physician, Mr. Winger?
Jeff Winger : Uh, Dr. Schroeder. S-c-h. Um, do you want to see my insurance card?
Clerk : Please.
Britta Perry : Wait, are you at a hospital?
Jeff Winger : No, I'm at The Gap.
[price scanner beeping]
Jeff Winger : You hear that? That's not a heart monitor. It's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.
Clerk : [over intercom] Dr. Tarpenian to radiology, Dr. Tarpenian.
Britta Perry : Crap, I- I'm sorry. I just assumed...
Jeff Winger : Whatever. I don't blame you. I've lied before. It's probably karma that I'm sick. But believe me, if you had what I have, you'd rather be moving boxes.
Britta Perry : Okay, feel better. Sorry.
Jeff Winger : Yeah, I'll see you guys on Monday.
[fake coughs]
Jeff Winger : [disconnects] You are fantastic.
Clerk : So are you. What are you doing after this?
Jeff Winger : Probably trying a couple of boot-cuts. But after that... maybe, like, a blazer?
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Dean Pelton : What do you want to do next? I paid for a full hour, so...
Jeff Winger : I email my therapist from my Greendale account. The same account where I received an email from physique25 telling me about today's sale. Is that why you're at the mall? You read student emails?
Dean Pelton : Oh, oh, now the patriot act says I can do it, Jeffrey... technically. Need I remind you the nation is at war... Ow!
Jeff Winger : I'll kill you.
Dean Pelton : No, Jeffrey, no! Jeffrey, Jeffrey come on! Just remember, we were making memories!
[Sailing playing]
Dean Pelton : No, Jeffrey, no! Aah! No, Jeffrey! No, no, it's too violent! You're scaring me! Don't let the terrorists win!
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Abed Nadir : Also, Troy scraped me when we were fork-jousting last week and I don't think it's healing right.
Annie Edison : Oh.
Britta Perry : Ew!
Annie Edison : Abed, that's infected.
Troy Barnes : Infected. That's the word I was looking for.
Jeff Winger : Hi, guys.
Annie Edison : I thought you were sick.
Jeff Winger : I was... n't. I kind of made it up to get out of helping.
Britta Perry : Oh, that's okay.
Jeff Winger : It is?
Britta Perry : Yeah, it is. Oh! Hey, Jeff, did you know that when it snows my eyes become large?
Abed Nadir , Britta Perry , Troy Barnes , Shirley Bennett : [singing] and the light that you shine can be seen...
Jeff Winger : He tweeted it?
Abed Nadir , Britta Perry , Troy Barnes , Shirley Bennett : Baby...
Jeff Winger : [wails] He tweeted it!
Abed Nadir , Britta Perry , Troy Barnes , Shirley Bennett : I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
Dean Pelton : [singing] and now that your rose is in bloom / a light hits the gloom on the gray
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Jeff Winger : A siesta salad and an iced tea.
Waiter : Excelente. And for you?
Dean Pelton : [clears throat] Ahem.
Jeff Winger : The gentleman...
Dean Pelton : Oh...
Jeff Winger : will have a top notch-os and a watermelon Margarita.
Dean Pelton : Thank you, Jeffrey. So, any brothers or sisters?
Jeff Winger : And we'll take the check too.
Dean Pelton : Oh! What's the rush?
Jeff Winger : We're eating lunch, and then I'm leaving.
Dean Pelton : Okay. I just hope that I don't bump into your study group on Monday. And I pray they don't ask me who I saw at the mall on Saturday. Because, unlike a certain someone, I just don't think I could lie to those sweet people.
Jeff Winger : Dean, this is blackmail.
Dean Pelton : Ah! Call me Craig. And call blackmail "a day at the mall with Craig." Because that's all I require, Jeffrey. You and I are going to have some fun. And create a few memories. And I suggest you get into it. Because that counts.
[mariachis enter]
Mariachi Leader : A song for the señor, señor?
Jeff Winger : [exhales] Adiós amores.
[mariachis begin]
Dean Pelton : Oh, what a surprise.
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Dean Pelton : Whoa! I just stand here? Oh, come on, Jeffrey. Get in here!
[chuckling]
Dean Pelton : This is gonna be fun! Or else. So we just punch in the numbers?
karaoke operator : That's right.
Dean Pelton : Okay, you know this one, Jeff. We've sang it a thousand times together in my mind.
[Kiss From a Rose playing]
Dean Pelton : Huh, huh? Oh come on, Jeffrey. Make or break time. Unless you want to be back here next Saturday.
Jeff Winger : [singing] There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea...
Dean Pelton : [singing] you became the light on this dark side of me...
Dean Pelton , Jeff Winger : did you know the light that you shine can be seen?
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Abed Nadir : Oh, look out, asteroids!
Troy Barnes : That was close. Thanks for getting us to planet Greendalia safely, horsebot 3000.
Abed Nadir : [neighs] Well...
Annie Edison : Oh, no! Greendalia has been overrun by evil King Blorgon!
Abed Nadir : Look out, Troyborg! Pew pew pew! Ah! I'm dead.
Troy Barnes : Horsebot 3000, no! I love you!
Abed Nadir : I am King Blorgon and my plan is to blow up the world! Your lasers are useless against me.
Troy Barnes : Aim for his butt. It's his only weakness. Pew pew! Bam bam!
Abed Nadir : Aah!
Annie Edison : We did it! Peace and tranquility have been restored to Greendalia.
Troy Barnes : All thanks to horsebot 3000. He belongs to the stars now.
[neighs]
Britta Perry : All right, five more minutes and we should probably put a stop to this, right? Jeff, are you...
Jeff Winger : [choked up] I liked horsebot 3000.