Kyle Kallgren: Oancitizen

Quotes 

• Oancitizen : Oh, wow. Oh, we just have to stop and examine this shot: there's a young, blonde middle-class girl who's playing with Barbies and watching women's bikini-clad asses parading across her television. If you listen closely, you can hear thousands of womens' studies majors booing and hissing right now.

• Oancitizen : Anyway, Shawn has come to say hi to his girlfriend's mother.

  Shawn : [to mother]  Can I eat you out?

  Oancitizen : [stares]  Now... I understand it's become a bit cliche to insert footage of a famous and equivalent movie scene right after a character has said a line remarkable similar to said footage. Now the thing is, I've already been accused of being a Cinema Snob rip-off, plus I use the same episode template as The Nostalgia Critic, which has sense been reappropriated by Phelous, Film Brain, Obscurus Lupa, The Nostalgia Chick, Mike J., at least one episode of Familiar Faces and pretty much every other reviewer on these forums, so I don't want to seem any more unoriginal than I already am. But when a character says a line as out of place and tactless as this:

  Shawn : Can I eat you out?

  Oancitizen : Every molecule of my body commands me to respond with this:

  [inserts a clip of a man propositioning a woman with cunnilingus] 

  Oancitizen : I feel so uninspired.

• Peaches : This is Claude, he tries to act tough, but deep down, he's a soft teddy bear.

  Oancitizen : A lanky, big-eared, hairless teddy bear with an IQ lower than his age. Claude is a kid who's really big into skateboarding and looking at shiny things. He's the son of that guy from Prison Break. The father is unemployed and proud of his ability to move things up and down in the air multiple times, turning his body into a giant mass of ugly, sweaty flesh.

• Claude's Father : You know why your mother married me?

  Claude : Why?

  Claude's Father : Because I got muscles.

  Oancitizen : I also got a potbelly and a head that looks like an Almac statue. Shirley loves that.

• Oancitizen : So, the direct personae of this film are Shawn, the brother-slapping mouth-breather. Claude, the skateboarding meathead. Peaches, the worst Asian-American role model possible. And Tate, the granny-hitting, dog abusing sociopath who mocks starving Ethiopeans in his spare time. Guys You Knew in High School Shop Class: The Motion Picture.

• Oancitizen : Wait, this is a dream sequence. It has to be. This slack-jawed idiot is fantasizing about having sex with a hot blonde and this is just the visualization of his fantasy. The fact that it's on the poster is just a coincidence. Right? Right. It's symbolic of adolescent fantasy and the portrayal of the possible expectations a young man has of adult sexual behavior. After all, in real life, there's no way that this weak little pissant would get his oily head between the shapely legs of a beautiful blonde quietly entering early middle age. And... he wakes up! He wakes up!

  [scene cuts] 

  Oancitizen : I'm going to assume that cut symbolized him waking up.

• Tate : Sipi? That's not a word, what is a sipi?

  Oancitizen : Well to be fair, 'sipi' is a word. It means copy... in a tag-a-log.

• Oancitizen : This really happened, didn't it? He slept with a hot blonde with plastic tits. Yeah, you can't see it, but she's actually had work done.

• Prostitute : So, what's going on with you?

  Murph : How much for a dick suck?

  Oancitizen : Isn't that the leap-to-conclusions guy from Office Space? I really don't need the mental image of this guy getting head, thank you.

• Oancitizen : So now Tate has some alone time. Oh, and here's a nice parrallel: his grandparents were playing tennis, and Tate is watching tennis.

• Oancitizen : [Tate is jerking off on camera]  Well, this scene is meant to demonstrate how lonely the character is and, um...

  [he's still doing it] 

  Oancitizen : Good God, is this in real time? Stop that! You'll go blind... I'll go blind!

  [after another minute] 

  Oancitizen : Oh good, he's finished. Can we please move on to something more tolerable?

• Oancitizen : Is every single character in the film a loathsome cad? Did Governor Schwarzenegger just designate Visalia as haven for assholes that were too assholian for greater Los Angeles?

• Oancitizen : And now for your viewing pleasure, here's Andy Kaufman doing a hilarious impression of Woody Allen: meaning that we get to see a vaguely foreign, balding man marry his Asian daughter.

• Oancitizen : Gielgud's not coming back, is he?

• Oancitizen : You know, I used to like sex. Now I'll never touch another human being again.

• Oancitizen : Stop that! You could breed!

• Ken's girlfriend : I don't wanna be no baby killer.

  Oancitizen : Well at least he has a better reason to commit suicide now. No, wait, that's a terrible reason. That's probably the worst reason possible: abandoning his girlfriend to a teen pregnancy and single motherhood is borderline evil!

• Oancitizen : Wait, the whole movie was an argument for abortion? Is it sad that I believe that?

• Oancitizen : The hate. Will it ever go away?

  Diamanda Hagan : Of course not, hating things is the key to our existence. It's the lifeblood of our trade. We are reviewers, we review, therefore we hate. They hurt us, we hurt them back, it's entirely rational.

• Oancitizen : But if this beginning is to be believed, maybe the movie won't be that bad. I mean, this could be the opening to a Kevin Smith movie or some other '90s teen flick, like Empire Records or Bio-Dome. It could be a fun little portrait of youngsters hanging out at Ken Park, their favorite skateboarding joint. And maybe it could be...

  [Ken Park abruptly pulls a gun and blows his brains out] 

  Oancitizen : Well, there we go.

• Oancitizen : Wait, Ken Park isn't an actual park?

• Oancitizen : If what I've read is to be believed, Ken Park makes Kids look like iCarly.

• Shawn : [voice over]  I used to be friends with this guy. His name's Ken Park. His name spelt backwards is "Krap Nek", I used to tease him about it.

  Oancitizen : Okay, that can't be the reason he killed himself. Jennifer Aniston from Shortbus had a better reason to hate her name. And having your name spell out something remotely dirty when it's written backwards isn't embarrassing. Maybe his middle name was Linkin.

• Oancitizen : Their relationship is that the elder believes the younger to be insufficiently masculine.

  Claude's Father : You got a girlfriend?

  Claude : Not a girlfriend, I see some girls though.

  Claude's Father : You fuckin' those girls?

  Oancitizen : [imitating Claude]  A gentleman doesn't tell, sir.

• Oancitizen : Isn't that Ziggy Zavatka from The Wire? How much you wanna bet he takes out his wang here too?

• Oancitizen : [Shawn is eating with his girlfriend, her parents and little sister]  Oh, this is nice. At least, it would be nice if we didn't know that this perfectly decent guy wasn't dining with a kid who has slept with a majority of the women in the room. And you can tell he's willing to make it unanimous. He's running his lazy eyes over that kid, thinking, "when you blossom into womanhood, you shall be mine."

• Claude : Hey Shawn, ya ever read that book, Island of Paradise? 'Cause I remember the whole philosophy of the world was set around havin' sex. Sit around all day and just fuck each other. All they do is fuck all day long. Fuck, fuck, fuck, that's all they ever do.

  Oancitizen : Why yes, I think I read that book: A Cooch-Filled and Pleasurable Pork of the Breast State of a Pubic Well, and of the Lewd Isle called Blue-topia, by Sir John Thomas Whore.

• Oancitizen : Okay, Peaches lets boys see her naked and her first scene references the Whore of Babylon. Her father is a weird man of indeterminate nationality who clearly loves "da Jesus." You can probably already guess where this story is going. Also, young, Asian-American woman being portrayed as hypersexual in a film written and directed by white men? Progressive, movie.

• Oancitizen : Wait a minute... I just remembered, this is his girlfriend's mother. I mean, this kid is cheating on his girlfriend with her mother... and she's okay with this?

  Shawn : You make the same noises in bed.

  Rhonda : What else?

  Shawn : You have the same pussy smell.

  Rhonda : We do?

  Oancitizen : You know, I've been trying to put my finger on what this feel like. Um... Small American town below the poverty line, lot's of sex, abysmal familiar relationships, people with double-digit IQ's who use the word "fuck" as a punctuation mark. The whole thing feels like... I dunno...

  [cuts to characters watching Jerry Springer] 

  Oancitizen : Well thanks, Ken Park, that really would've bugged me.

• Oancitizen : I don't want to sound callous, but I wanna see this place become a crater!

• Oancitizen : [imitating Claude's father]  Why yes, director, I will allow myself to be filmed drinking beer while simultaneously urinating. For the craft; I don't think this can get any grosser.

  [the father, still inebriated slowly enters Claude's room. The boy is asleep. He slowly advances on him; Oancitizen is horrified] 

  Oancitizen : No.

  [the father reaches up through the covers] 

  Oancitizen : Bloody Christ, no!

  [Claude awakens just in time and kicks his father away] 

  Oancitizen : I refuse to comment. That was the most despicable thing I have ever seen in my li...

  [cut to a shot of Tate covered in blood] 

  Oancitizen : Oh God, he killed the three-legged dog, didn't he?

• Claude's Father : [after he brakes his skateboard]  Listen I don't want to see that fucking thing here anymore, you look like a fucking piece of shit on it.

  Oancitizen : [Imitating Claude's Father]  You're pointless, time-wasting hobby is inferior to MY pointless, time-wasting hobby!