TJ Kirk: The Distressed Watcher

Quotes 

• The Distressed Watcher : [watching the trailer for A Christmas Carol, as Robert Zemeckis' other director credits fly by]  What is this, his fucking resume? Get to the fucking trailer already! I said "fucking" three times now. That's 'cause I'm fucking hard core!

• The Distressed Watcher : Does everything have to be in 3D now? It seems like Hollywood will try any gimmick before they resort to actually telling compelling stories with interesting characters.

• Boy : Isn't there any other option? Foster care? Juvenile hall?

  The Distressed Watcher : Acting class?

• Mother : It's not them I'm worried about.

  The Distressed Watcher : It's not them I'm worried about, it's your career.

• The Distressed Watcher : [laughs]  He can't cook breakfast. That's hilarious. Also, I know this is a silly comedy, but how credible is the idea that this character is a super spy who can't read the directions on the back of a packet of oatmeal and he doesn't know that something that is in the oven is gonna be hot to the touch? What is he, an idiot savant functionally retarded, except for he can do things like super spy stuff and karate?

• The Distressed Watcher : And it's time once again, boys and girls, for the snide recap! A Christmas Carol, bah humbug. Or, to update that phrase, ah, bullshit; The Spy Next Door needs to move further down the block; The Wolf Man has bark, but I'll bet that it will bite.