Community (TV Series)

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (2011)

Danny Pudi: Abed Nadir

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Quotes 

• Annie Edison : Okay, come on, can we just do this? Hi, hello, I am Hector The Well Endowed. You've got a bunch of pegasi, let's make a deal.

  Abed Nadir : What kind of deal?

  Annie Edison : All right. I take her by the hand and lead her to the stable. I light a candle and rip off a piece of my tunic which I fashion into a blindfold.

  Abed Nadir : Oh, Hector, but I don't know if I...

  Annie Edison : Shhh, shhh. I place it gently over the elf maiden's eyes...

  [music swells and the dialogue fades as an extended montage of Annie and Abed describing their character's lovemaking takes place] 

  Abed Nadir : [exhales with satisfaction]  Okay, you both fall back exhausted but still entwined.

  Annie Edison : [cheerfully]  Great, I stroke her hair lovingly and spoon her for the appropriate amount of time before leaving.

  Troy Barnes : [taking notes]  How long is that?

• Annie Edison : [reading character sheet]  I am... ew, Hector the Well-Endowed? Abed.

  Abed Nadir : I didn't know you'd just grab one at random. I made that with Troy in mind.

  [he and Troy share their personal handshake] 

• Abed Nadir : An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.

  Troy Barnes : I attack them using my... additional notes.

  Abed Nadir : It has no effect. Britta?

  Britta Perry : I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land and from their perspective...

  [everyone else groans] 

  Troy Barnes : You're like the AT&T of people!

• [Pierce forces his way into the game] 

  Abed Nadir : As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...

  Pierce Hawthorne : Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.

  Abed Nadir : In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?

  Jeff Winger : I wait fourteen turns.

• [the group starts playing] 

  Shirley Bennett : I think this would be a perfect opportunity for us to introduce ourselves to the group. Hello, I am a dwarf...

  [checks character sheet] 

  Shirley Bennett : ... named Zippity Do.

  Abed Nadir : Okay, I'm not the best at making up names.

  Jeff Winger : Greetings. I am... Marrrrrrrrr. You ain't kidding.

  Troy Barnes : Hello, Marrrrr. I am Bing Bong the archer. I'm an archer and stuff.

• Abed Nadir : Jeff.

  Jeff Winger : Uh, I take my throwing knife and throw it, knife style.

  Abed Nadir : You do 10 points of damage.

  Jeff Winger : [self-satisfied]  Look at that. What am I not good at?

  Britta Perry : [deadpan]  Sex.

• Abed Nadir : Neil has a character named Duquesne that he's been playing for years so I made these for you guys. Take your time. Choose carefully. They each have unique combinations of strengths and...

  [the six new players each randomly grab the closest character sheet] 

  Abed Nadir : Alrighty.

  [resignedly] 

• Jeff Winger : Fine, Pierce, you win. Just kill us and end this.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, no. Killing's too good for you. Cast shape change on Duquesne.

  [Annie gasps] 

  Abed Nadir : What shape do you choose for him?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Fat.

  [drawn out] 

  Shirley Bennett : Pierce, stop it!

  Jeff Winger : [angrily]  Pierce!

  Abed Nadir : Abed: Duquesne starts gaining weight. How much?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

  Jeff Winger : [threatening]  Pierce!

  Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends.

  Neil : They asked me to come here.

  Pierce Hawthorne : You know why, right? I've got some fat news for you, Fat Neil. Don't you know why Jeff Winger, of all people, led the charge on the Fat Neil feel-good committee?

  Jeff Winger : [emphatically]  Way over the line, Pierce.

  Pierce Hawthorne : I'll tell you why, because I was there.

  Jeff Winger : [flashback]  Oh, they're down there by Fat Neil.

  Pierce Hawthorne : That's right, Neil. Your new best friend, Jeff Winger, coined the name Fat Neil.

  Shirley Bennett : [scolding]  Jeffrey!

  Jeff Winger : Neil, look, before you respond, I can make it up to you. I'll find a fatter Neil.

  Troy Barnes : [weakly]  Huzzah.

  Neil : You made up Fat Neil?

  Jeff Winger : Someone asked where the restrooms were. You were standing by them, but you were also standing kind of near, uh, other Neil.

  Neil : So call him Skinny Neil.

  Jeff Winger : He's not that skinny.

  Neil : He's bald, he's black.

  Jeff Winger : I don't look at the world through that lens. I shouldn't be high-roading you. I'm the bad guy.

  Pierce Hawthorne : [self-satisfied]  You can all hang out in suspended humiliation and think about what you learned today. One, don't screw with me. Two, invite me to your crap.

• Jeff Winger : Pierce, you've made your point. You can ruin anything. Now come back and give Neil his sword.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Can't hear you over the sound of me rubbing his sword on my balls.

  Shirley Bennett : [scolding]  Pierce!

  Annie Edison : [disgustedly]  Oh, ew.

  Abed Nadir : You have successfully rubbed your balls on the sword.

• Jeff Winger : I run towards Pierce with my broadsword drawn and I attack...

  Pierce Hawthorne : [points at Jeff]  Time stop!

  Jeff Winger : Time stop?

  Abed Nadir : Draconis has tons of spells. The six of you are completely frozen and helpless.

  Troy Barnes : This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders.

• Narrator : But pain need not be spoken to be known. Not to all. It was, strangely, Jeff the Liar, son of William the Barely Known, who first became concerned.

  Jeff Winger : Neil.

  Narrator : It was Jeff who pretended to be interested in Dungeons & Dragons in an effort to lift Neil's spirits. And when Jeff's fake interest resulted in Neil giving Jeff all his books, explaining he wouldn't need them anymore, it was Annie the Dayplanner, herself a recovering headcase, that recognized the signs of coming doom. A council was called. Troy the Obtuse. Shirley the Cloying.

  Shirley Bennett : [overlapping]  Hee-hee-hee. I know.

  Narrator : Abed the Undiagnosable.

  Britta Perry : [overlapping]  Julian Assange is a modern-day Paine.

  Narrator : Britta the Needlessly Defiant. For reasons that should be obvious, Pierce the Insensitive, known also as Pierce the Dickish, and Grandpa the Flatulent, was not invited. The group agreed that what Fat Neil needed most was to feel like a winner for a change. They would invite Neil that Saturday to a game of Dungeons & Dragons designed by Abed to help Neil reclaim his confidence.

  Jeff Winger , Shirley Bennett , Britta Perry , Annie Edison , Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir , Señor Chang : For Neil.

  Narrator : At the end of the meeting, they realized that Chang had been there and felt too awkward to mention it. What they couldn't have known was that they had just scheduled the most important game of Dungeons & Dragons ever. A game which not only might save a life, but which would forever change the balance between good and Pierce.