- Super Hans: It's the heart of darkness Jez, it's the fucking dirt.
- Mark Corrigan: I don't wanna go into the heart of darkness!
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh come on dude sometimes you gotta flip the switch lift the rock and look what's underneath cause it's not always woodlice.
- Mark Corrigan: Look if that party is too much for Hans excuse me Hans, the crack addled maniac. I'm pretty confident it'll be too much for me.
- Mark Corrigan: Nothing from Dobby since Christmas. I want to call again, but when I leave long messages, I have this nagging sense that I'll end up hearing them being played back to me in a court of law.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I'm moving in! I'm going to be the boyfriend who pays rent! I'm her rent boy... but not sucking cock in a phone box, eating pussy on a tumble dryer!
- Mark Corrigan: [discussing Jeremy moving out] Maybe this is the kick up the arse we both need. I could turn your room into an office, finally nail Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.
- Jeremy Usborne: Right. OK, man, yeah, good on you, because obviously we've always been amazing mates, but also a bit like lead weights dragging each other down?
- Mark Corrigan: Exactly. Living together, it's been like... eating a vast portion of chips, very comforting but also there's this lurking sense that you're killing yourself. Right?
- Zahra: OK, the truth is, I came here to tell you that Ben and me, we're finished. I... I found out he slept with someone else.
- Jeremy Usborne: God. Who would have sex with Ben? Apart from you, obviously.
- Johnson: What have you come as? Techno hippie street bum?
- Jeremy Usborne: I'm not actually wearing a costume, Alan, so the joke's on you.
- Johnson: Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you.
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, I didn't realise you knew that, so it can't have been a very good joke.
- Jeremy Usborne: Who's the chick?
- Super Hans: That's no chick, man. That's the love of my life.
- Jeremy Usborne: Wow. And what does she...
- Super Hans: I don't know much about her, she don't speak English. We speak the language of love. And a tiny little bit of German.
- Jeremy Usborne: Right.
- Super Hans: I tell you, man, she is the one. I'd take a bullet for her. I'd take a bullet up the arris for her.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, that's nice.
- Super Hans: I'd take a fucking truncheon up the arris for this one. Or an umbrella. I would open an umbrella up inside my arris for this one.
- Mark Corrigan: Hans, we get the message, there's probably no need to list all the things you'd put up your bottom for your girlfriend.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Can't believe he's actually moving out. I'm going to be an unemployed single mother stuck in the flat eating Frosties from a salad bowl until I die from loneliness and two weeks later they break down the door to find Ian sucking on my cold, dead teats.
- Super Hans: You want the knack, Mark? With women?
- Mark Corrigan: Well... yes, I suppose I do.
- Super Hans: Want the knack? Get smack.
- Mark Corrigan: Smack?
- Super Hans: Get smacked out of it, then you'll get the ladies.
- Mark Corrigan: Really?
- Super Hans: Maybe.
- Mark Corrigan: Right. I'm not sure I...
- Super Hans: I just love smack. I'm probably not the right man to ask.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Hello... she's looking at me. Maybe I should... Why not? Zahra hasn't phoned or texted me for 2 hours, she's basically instructing me to have sex with a random woman.
- [Jeremy makes eye contact with Super Hans' Asian girlfriend]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] OK, let's crank up the flirt-athon, using a language I'll think she'll understand.
- [he mimes feeling a woman's breasts]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Yoko Ono? Or Yoko O-yes?
- [Johnson, a former alcoholic, picks up a glass of champagne]
- Mark Corrigan: [grabbing hold of the glass in Johnson's hand] Isn't it like kryptonite? Won't it kill you?
- Johnson: I'm not going to drink it, Mark, I'll just take a sniff for old time's sake.
- [Mark lets go. Johnson sniffs it, then downs it]
- Johnson: More fool you, asshole.
- [as they are about to leave Big Suze's party, one of her really posh friends approaches Jeremy - earlier Suze had gotten them to serve hors d'oeuvres]
- Suze's Party Guest: Is there any more tartare sauce?
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've left it all in George Osborne's ball sack. Tell you what, why don't you nip upstairs, wank him off and dip it in that?
- [to Mark and Super Hans]
- Jeremy Usborne: Let's go before we get fired.
- Zahra: Maybe we should just accept defeat, resign ourselves to a bit of Jools Holland?
- Jeremy Usborne: No, not the Hootenanny. Never the Hootenanny. We're better than that. We are going to this party!
- Super Hans: Oi, Jez! What the fuck?
- [makes the "penis entering vagina" hand signal]
- Super Hans: Yoko says you were giving it all that at Big Suze's.
- Zahra: What? Jeremy, were you?
- Jeremy Usborne: God, no! It wasn't sex, you know, it was just... sexy hand signals.
- Zahra: Why were you giving her sexy hand signals?
- Jeremy Usborne: I... it was all a misunderstanding. I was in the kitchen, and I might have done a...
- [does the "OK" hand signal]
- Jeremy Usborne: ... like that, for "OK", yeah? And then, there were lots of little sausages around, so maybe I put the sausage in the "OK" to ask "Would you like to put a sausage in your mouth?"
- Super Hans: You mean, see if she wanted to put a sausage in her mouth and then take it out and then put back it in again!
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah!
- Super Hans: You know how I feel about her. You're gonna fucking pay for this.
- Jeremy Usborne: Look, it's not my fault she doesn't speak English! This kind of thing probably happens the whole time at the UN!
- [Jeremy looks at Raymond the bouncer through the chain link fence]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Standing in front of a thousand glory holes and no one but Raymond to suck me off.
- Jeremy Usborne: Remember that time we came back from Cinderella's and Pedge put his pants on the taxi driver's head and he couldn't see a thing?
- Mark Corrigan: Yeah, that would have been more hilarious had I not been literally weeping with fear.
- Jeremy Usborne: Come on, man, shake your booty! Tonight even Paxman's out, hoovering up lines of crank of Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Tonight's the big one.
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve. The pressure's too immense.
- Jeremy Usborne: Tonight, it's not about the bitches, it's all about the Hitches!
- Mark Corrigan: The Hitches? You think we're Peter and Christopher Hitchens on a big night out? And I suppose I have to be Peter.
- Super Hans: I'm gonna write this place off send someone in there tomorrow with some disinfectant and a flame thrower. I got me sleeping bag I don't wanna know.
- Mark Corrigan: How was it?
- Jeremy Usborne: Fine let's go.
- Mark Corrigan: What?
- Jeremy Usborne: Look I don't wanna talk about it alright. I just want a cup of tea and some soda bread and sit down somewhere quiet!
- Mark Corrigan: What's going on in there are they doing it?
- Jeremy Usborne: Yes Mark that's right they're doing it. You really have no imagination whatsoever do you!
- Mark Corrigan: Well what are they doing then?
- Jeremy Usborne: Dude don't worry about them cause they sure as hell aren't worrying about you!. Let's just go Hans?
- Super Hans: Yep fuck yeah let's go.
- Mark Corrigan: Big Suze's?
- Super Hans: Don't mind where as long as it's safe. I just wanna be in a controlled environment have a Coke and a Tuna sandwich just mong out to some Snow Patrol.