Peep Show (TV Series)

New Year's Eve (2010)

Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Super Hans : It's the heart of darkness Jez, it's the fucking dirt.

  Mark Corrigan : I don't wanna go into the heart of darkness!

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh come on dude sometimes you gotta flip the switch lift the rock and look what's underneath cause it's not always woodlice.

  Mark Corrigan : Look if that party is too much for Hans excuse me Hans, the crack addled maniac. I'm pretty confident it'll be too much for me.

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  I'm moving in! I'm going to be the boyfriend who pays rent! I'm her rent boy... but not sucking cock in a phone box, eating pussy on a tumble dryer!

• Mark Corrigan : [discussing Jeremy moving out]  Maybe this is the kick up the arse we both need. I could turn your room into an office, finally nail Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.

  Jeremy Usborne : Right. OK, man, yeah, good on you, because obviously we've always been amazing mates, but also a bit like lead weights dragging each other down?

  Mark Corrigan : Exactly. Living together, it's been like... eating a vast portion of chips, very comforting but also there's this lurking sense that you're killing yourself. Right?

• Zahra : OK, the truth is, I came here to tell you that Ben and me, we're finished. I... I found out he slept with someone else.

  Jeremy Usborne : God. Who would have sex with Ben? Apart from you, obviously.

• Johnson : What have you come as? Techno hippie street bum?

  Jeremy Usborne : I'm not actually wearing a costume, Alan, so the joke's on you.

  Johnson : Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you.

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, I didn't realise you knew that, so it can't have been a very good joke.

• Jeremy Usborne : Who's the chick?

  Super Hans : That's no chick, man. That's the love of my life.

  Jeremy Usborne : Wow. And what does she...

  Super Hans : I don't know much about her, she don't speak English. We speak the language of love. And a tiny little bit of German.

  Jeremy Usborne : Right.

  Super Hans : I tell you, man, she is the one. I'd take a bullet for her. I'd take a bullet up the arris for her.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, that's nice.

  Super Hans : I'd take a fucking truncheon up the arris for this one. Or an umbrella. I would open an umbrella up inside my arris for this one.

  Mark Corrigan : Hans, we get the message, there's probably no need to list all the things you'd put up your bottom for your girlfriend.

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Hello... she's looking at me. Maybe I should... Why not? Zahra hasn't phoned or texted me for 2 hours, she's basically instructing me to have sex with a random woman.

• [Jeremy makes eye contact with Super Hans' Asian girlfriend] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  OK, let's crank up the flirt-athon, using a language I'll think she'll understand.

  [he mimes feeling a woman's breasts] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Yoko Ono? Or Yoko O-yes?

• [as they are about to leave Big Suze's party, one of her really posh friends approaches Jeremy - earlier Suze had gotten them to serve hors d'oeuvres] 

  Suze's Party Guest : Is there any more tartare sauce?

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've left it all in George Osborne's ball sack. Tell you what, why don't you nip upstairs, wank him off and dip it in that?

  [to Mark and Super Hans] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Let's go before we get fired.

• Zahra : Maybe we should just accept defeat, resign ourselves to a bit of Jools Holland?

  Jeremy Usborne : No, not the Hootenanny. Never the Hootenanny. We're better than that. We are going to this party!

• Super Hans : Oi, Jez! What the fuck?

  [makes the "penis entering vagina" hand signal] 

  Super Hans : Yoko says you were giving it all that at Big Suze's.

  Zahra : What? Jeremy, were you?

  Jeremy Usborne : God, no! It wasn't sex, you know, it was just... sexy hand signals.

  Zahra : Why were you giving her sexy hand signals?

  Jeremy Usborne : I... it was all a misunderstanding. I was in the kitchen, and I might have done a...

  [does the "OK" hand signal] 

  Jeremy Usborne : ... like that, for "OK", yeah? And then, there were lots of little sausages around, so maybe I put the sausage in the "OK" to ask "Would you like to put a sausage in your mouth?"

  Super Hans : You mean, see if she wanted to put a sausage in her mouth and then take it out and then put back it in again!

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah!

  Super Hans : You know how I feel about her. You're gonna fucking pay for this.

  Jeremy Usborne : Look, it's not my fault she doesn't speak English! This kind of thing probably happens the whole time at the UN!

• [Jeremy looks at Raymond the bouncer through the chain link fence] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Standing in front of a thousand glory holes and no one but Raymond to suck me off.

• Jeremy Usborne : Remember that time we came back from Cinderella's and Pedge put his pants on the taxi driver's head and he couldn't see a thing?

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah, that would have been more hilarious had I not been literally weeping with fear.

• Jeremy Usborne : Come on, man, shake your booty! Tonight even Paxman's out, hoovering up lines of crank of Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Tonight's the big one.

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve. The pressure's too immense.

• Jeremy Usborne : Tonight, it's not about the bitches, it's all about the Hitches!

  Mark Corrigan : The Hitches? You think we're Peter and Christopher Hitchens on a big night out? And I suppose I have to be Peter.

• Super Hans : I'm gonna write this place off send someone in there tomorrow with some disinfectant and a flame thrower. I got me sleeping bag I don't wanna know.

  Mark Corrigan : How was it?

  Jeremy Usborne : Fine let's go.

  Mark Corrigan : What?

  Jeremy Usborne : Look I don't wanna talk about it alright. I just want a cup of tea and some soda bread and sit down somewhere quiet!

  Mark Corrigan : What's going on in there are they doing it?

  Jeremy Usborne : Yes Mark that's right they're doing it. You really have no imagination whatsoever do you!

  Mark Corrigan : Well what are they doing then?

  Jeremy Usborne : Dude don't worry about them cause they sure as hell aren't worrying about you!. Let's just go Hans?

  Super Hans : Yep fuck yeah let's go.

  Mark Corrigan : Big Suze's?

  Super Hans : Don't mind where as long as it's safe. I just wanna be in a controlled environment have a Coke and a Tuna sandwich just mong out to some Snow Patrol.