Peep Show (TV Series)

St Hospitals (2010)

David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mark Corrigan : The truth is, and I really wish it wasn't true, but I'm a... paedophobe, to be honest.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh. Right.

  [voiceover] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, my life!

  [to Mark] 

  Jeremy Usborne : I mean, I... I suppose I always wondered whether...

  Mark Corrigan : I've always felt really weird around children, you know?

  Jeremy Usborne : Right. Yeah.

  [voiceover] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Act supportive or punch his lights out?

  [to Mark] 

  Jeremy Usborne : And are you going to get help for...

  Mark Corrigan : I don't know. I mean, what sort of help can you get for an irrational fear of children?

  Jeremy Usborne : [releases what Mark meant and is relieved]  Paedophobe! Oh, right.

  Mark Corrigan : Well, what did you think I meant?

  [pause] 

  Mark Corrigan : Oh my God, Jeremy!

  Jeremy Usborne : It's just, paedo, phobe, I mean, they're both bad. I thought you were saying you were a mega-paedo!

  Mark Corrigan : You thought I was saying I was a mega-paedo? And your reaction was that you'd always wondered?

• Jeremy Usborne : [reading from a book about childbirth]  The foetal head then passes below the pubic arch. At this point the woman may feel a burning or stinging sensation.

  Mark Corrigan : The phrase "No shit, Sherlock" comes to mind.

• [Mark has walked out of the hospital while Sophie is in labour and has ended up in an amusement arcade, playing a shoot-em-up video game] 

  Mark Corrigan : Hmm. Is this the worst thing I've ever done? It might be.

• [Mark walks back into Sophie's hospital room, but instead of her there's a woman in a birthing pool. While the nurses tend to her, a man crouches beside the pool holding a fishing net] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  That could so easily have been me, a useless gnome, fishing for turds.

• [In the hospital, Mark finds Jeremy sitting at Ben's bedside, reading to him] 

  Mark Corrigan : Jez?

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, hi, Mark.

  Mark Corrigan : What are you doing?

  Jeremy Usborne : I'm reading FHM to this unconscious guy.

  Mark Corrigan : But why?

  Jeremy Usborne : Because I have a heart.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah?

  [Zahra comes back into the room, still on her phone. Mark realises what's going on] 

  Zahra : Work's crazy. Thanks so much.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, OK.

  Jeremy Usborne : What?

  Mark Corrigan : Nothing.

  Jeremy Usborne : What?

  Mark Corrigan : Nothing.

  Jeremy Usborne : [getting up]  No, go on, what?

  Mark Corrigan : No, it's fine.

  Jeremy Usborne : What are you saying?

  Mark Corrigan : Nothing.

  Jeremy Usborne : Look, there's no need to all cynical just because...

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy, it's fine. I'm actually quite glad it's all a filthy duplicitous ploy, I was worried you had a complete personality change.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, just because I'm doing something decent there has to be this weird thing going on?

  Mark Corrigan : Uh, yes. Normally, yes.

• Midwife : OK, darling. Baby's doing fine, I just want to see how you're doing, see how dilated you are, OK?

  [she puts on a rubber glove] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Hmm, stuck on the Medical Channel and there's no remote control.

  [the Midwife slips her hand between Sophie's legs. Sophie winces. Mark and Jeremy look at each other awkwardly] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Maybe some... music?

  Mark Corrigan : Yes. Yeah, m-maybe some music.

  Sophie Chapman : [gasps]  Uh-huh.

  [Jeremy goes over to a small hi-fi and switches it on. Panpipe music plays] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  What a bastard. That's gonna drive us all totally bonkers.

  Midwife : Yeah, you're doing great, you're fully dilated. Your baby's coming. There's no time for an epidural.

  [Sophie groans. The midwife leaves] 

  Sophie Chapman : She put her whole hand in!

  Mark Corrigan : Blimey.

  Sophie Chapman : I didn't think she'd put her whole hand in!

  Mark Corrigan : No, God.

  Jeremy Usborne : Look, maybe I should go.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Of course, brings the insufferable music, then goes. He's like the 1980s.

• Super Hans : So, uh, how's it all going with Soph and the baby?

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, you know, for a while it's been pretty boring but I think we're getting to the utterly terrifying bit.

  Super Hans : Take my advice, stay away from the goal end, mate.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah?

  Super Hans : Yeah. You don't wanna get thinking about that. It's like the... it's like the Channel Tunnel. Lovely, it's all about your holidays, but imagine you saw a fucking huge baby coming out of it. Never be the same again.

  Mark Corrigan : Right.

  Super Hans : One other tip, trip.

  Mark Corrigan : What?

  Super Hans : Trip your fucking nuts off, makes it amazing.

  Mark Corrigan : Isn't it pretty amazing anyway?

  Super Hans : Dunno. Yeah, maybe. But if you're tripping and you're having a baby, it's like "Fuuuck!" You know? You see a little guy come out of there, what's gonna happen next? Frogs out of her arsehole? Milk out of her ears? Anything's possible.

• Sophie Chapman : [in labour]  Aaaaaargh! Bastard, bastard, fat bastard!

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Is that for me or just general bastarding?

  Sophie Chapman : Oh, fuck off, fuck off!

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  If she keeps saying "fuck off", I might fuck off. That's got to be within your rights, to fuck off if someone repeatedly screams at you to fuck off.

  [to the midwife] 

  Mark Corrigan : Can I... I just need to nip to the little boys' room.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah, the little boys' room, for little boys.