- [first lines]
- John Hanson: [John Hanson sets several golf balls on fire] Life is not easy to figure out when you're busy living it. Especially if you have a really meaningless life like I do.
- [He lines up his shot with his golf club and then launches the flaming golf balls into a nearby building]
- John Hanson: You forget who you are and what you were doing and what the point of anything was. Things just happen like a train runs into your house or everyone you love suddenly explodes. Or you're in the backwoods of Wisconsin looking for half a million dollars.
- John Hanson: Why are you telling me this story?
- Karl: Because I got laid and then I got high. And that itself constitutes a good narrative. But then I got bored and so I just started going through her stuff.
- John Hanson: Are you ever not high?
- Karl: The first thirty minutes of every morning. And I don't really get high anymore. I've been doing this since I was 13.
- John Hanson: Isn't it starting to catch up with you?
- Karl: I'm frequently unhappy and constantly think about suicide.
- [pause]
- Karl: But I don't see a connection. Drugs are a catalyst for life.
- Officer Frank: Don't shit me, kid. I ain't in your colon and I ain't dropping into any porcelain bowl.
- John Hanson: I really think I'm older than you.
- Officer Frank: May be, son, but I'm wearing a hand-cannon that's almost as big as my Johnson. And I never did like back talk.
- John Hanson: Officer, we're not looking for trouble. Just a little beer by the lake. A couple of VHS tapes.
- Officer Frank: I respect that. But don't drink and boat. You can call me Frank. I'll be frank to you if you'll be frank to me.
- Officer Frank: It's not like the old days, when we used to let our daughters swim naked with the Indians.
- Karl: This is John Hanson. And I'm Karl, attorney at law. We're land surveyors from the federal government.
- John Hanson: You just said you were an attorney at law.
- John Hanson: Thanks, Alice. I suppose you're also going to tell me that there's no buried treasure.
- Alice: There has to be. Otherwise, what has everyone been failing to find for the last ten years?
- John Hanson: That would make a really good argument for the existence of God.
- Karl: How'd you get a name like Tinker?
- Tinker: I took it from a book. I thought it sounded pretty.
- John Hanson: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy?
- Tinker: I don't remember; I didn't read the book.
- John Hanson: A tinker is a tinsmith.
- Tinker: What?
- John Hanson: Someone who mends household goods made out of tin.
- Tinker: Well I don't do that.
- Karl: Hanson is a genius. He'll tell you all about his graphic novel.
- John Hanson: Pictorial epic.
- Karl: [interrupting] But first I think we should smoke this Adderall rock and go skinny dipping.
- Alice: Start without me.
- John Hanson: They say that when you fall in love, you feel like you lose a part of yourself. But you also feel that way when someone shatters your life's work with one nicely-worded analysis.
- Officer Frank: [Officer Frank catches John and Alice digging on the golf course] Well well well. If it isn't two little Indians. Vandalizing government property. You want to tell me what you're doing?
- [pause]
- Officer Frank: Spit it out, boy. I didn't ask you how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.
- John Hanson: I'm burying my father's ashes.
- Officer Frank: You're what?
- John Hanson: My father wanted his ashes buried on this golf course. I found the urn in his cabin. And we're burying them.
- Officer Frank: Where are they? The ashes?
- John Hanson: I already buried them.
- Officer Frank: Where's the urn?
- John Hanson: I threw it over there.
- Officer Frank: I can smell your shit, son. And I don't just mean that I'd like to.
- [Taking out his handcuffs]
- Officer Frank: You've both bought yourselves a ticket to Frank's Hotel.