- Elka Ostrovsky: [to Victoria's selfish whining while Elka is in jail] Oh, you gotta front up and bug down, bitch!... It's prison slang.
- Joy Scroggs: You've been here three hours.
- Elka Ostrovsky: The joint changes you. I also know how to kill somebody with a toothbrush.
- Elka Ostrovsky: It's all your stupid cop boyfriend's fault.
- Melanie Moretti: I know, and Pete's being punished. I am not talking to him.
- Elka Ostrovsky: That's not how you punish a man. You talk more!
- Elka Ostrovsky: What's with the big M?
- Diane: It stands for murder.
- Elka Ostrovsky: Is that what you're in for?
- Diane: No. It's what I've been thinking about ever since you started playing that harmonica.
- Jack: I'm sorry ma'am.
- Melanie Moretti: And don't call a woman "ma'am". We hate it. Call us "Miss" until the day we die.
- Joy Scroggs: I can't believe you're choosing injections of botulism over your best friend. Doesn't that worry you?
- Victoria Chase: Yes, of course it does, but I figure if I can get to Chicago, then at least I won't look worried.
- Melanie Moretti: Your bail is very high.
- Victoria Chase: Did you have to insult the judge like that?
- Elka Ostrovsky: He called me elderly.
- Joy Scroggs: Well, you are elderly.
- Elka Ostrovsky: And he was really fat.
- Diane: [when Melanie, Joy, and Victoria visit Elka in jail] Oh, you're right. They do look like hookers.
- Rick: Your mouth is saying hell no, but your eyes are just saying merely no. Now they're saying hell no.
- Elka Ostrovsky: So, what are you in for, kid?
- Diane: Drunk and disorderly, or as I like to call it, Tuesday.
- Joy Scroggs: You know, about your earlier offer...
- Rick: Oh, the one you so summarily rejected?
- Joy Scroggs: Yes. Well, things have changed and I need a green card right away, so here goes, I'm so desperate, I guess I will marry you. I'm sorry, that can't be how you pictured a proposal response.
- Rick: No, that's exactly how I pictured it.
- Rick: Champagne for everyone.
- Pete: What are we celebrating?
- Elka Ostrovsky: Joy's fake engagement to get a green card. Got a problem with that, porko?
- Pete: Congratulations.
- Pete: Last night in the tornado, I heard you tell "I love you". but when I started to yell it back, some leaves flew in my mouth and it ruined the moment. So mayble you don't want to hear it right now, but I love you too.
- Melanie Moretti: Oh Pete, I love you too.
- [Pete and Melanie kiss]
- Elka Ostrovsky: What's the screw doing here?
- Rick: Don't misunderstand me. I mean the whole marriage would be a complete sham. I would expect nothing in return.
- Joy Scroggs: Then why would you do it?
- Rick: Let me demonstrate. Excuse me, miss.
- Carol: Yes.
- Rick: Hi, I'm Rick and this is Joy, my fianceé. I noticed your expression just changed. You were surprised to hear that we were a couple?
- Carol: Well, yes. I guess I was.
- Rick: I don't want to put words in your mouth, but several explanations may have popped into your head: He must have money, or he's extraordinarily gifted in bed, or he's so incredibly wonderful that she was able to overlook his non-conformist body type. Did any of those thoughts occur to you?
- Carol: Yes, all three of them.