House M.D. (TV Series)
Now What? (2010)
Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House
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Quotes
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Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always gonna be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always gonna be the most incredible man I have ever known. So unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.
Dr. Gregory House : I love you.
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Dr. Gregory House : She's not a hooker.
Dr. James Wilson : What are you... wha... . really?
Dr. Gregory House : Begins with "C" ends with "uddy."
Dr. James Wilson : [sighs] How many Vicodin have you taken?
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Dr. Gregory House : [On his cellphone] Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeeep.
Dr. James Wilson : House. You can't just not show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?
Dr. Gregory House : If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow
[Cuddy glares at him]
Dr. Gregory House : Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! Beeeeeep.
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Dr. Lisa Cuddy : It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
Dr. Gregory House : [takes a sword] It's probably nothing. Stay here.
[goes out of bedroom]
Dr. James Wilson : [stuck in window] Hey.
Dr. Gregory House : Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. Chamomile or English Breakfast?
Dr. James Wilson : Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here?
Dr. Gregory House : You didn't get my message earlier?
Dr. James Wilson : Yeah, but as someone once told me, everybody lies.
Dr. Gregory House : I'm fine. Just staying home, chillaxing.
Dr. James Wilson : Your patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.
Dr. Gregory House : Or, I'm ignoring you for a different reason. Sex with my girlfriend.
Dr. James Wilson : Hmm. Will you please just... Please let me in.
[House helps him in]
Dr. James Wilson : Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends?
Dr. Gregory House : She's not a hooker.
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Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I really do have to leave.
Dr. Gregory House : I know.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : What's the problem?
Dr. Gregory House : This isn't gonna work.
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Dr. Gregory House : So that's it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I'm hoping this is the beginning of it.
Dr. Gregory House : Yeah.
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Dr. Gregory House : [to House on the phone] Cuddy's assistant decided to use his own brain. Who put that idiot idea into his head?
Dr. Gregory House : Perhaps you could follow the same advice.
Dr. Robert Chase : He notified DPH that there's no neurosurgeon on the premises. Said he legally had to, which he legally had to.
Dr. Gregory House : Sounds like you got the situation under control.
Dr. Robert Chase : No. I don't. You know I don't. When DPH shows up, they're gonna shut down our ER. This can't be fixed. It is what it is, House.
Dr. Gregory House : Great. I've got every faith in your ability to solve the problem.
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Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [while House and Cuddy are taking a bath together] House?
Dr. Gregory House : Yeah?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : The secret bath is burning my lady parts.
Dr. Gregory House : How do you think my
[whispers]
Dr. Gregory House : anus feels? Burning means it's working.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Can we get out now?
Dr. Gregory House : I was so waiting for you to say that.
[they get out of the tub]
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Dr. Gregory House : [while on the phone with Chase] Interesting factoid. Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies?
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Dr. Gregory House : [to Chase on the phone while making a bath for Cuddy] So how come we don't have like, five neurosurgeons?
Dr. Robert Chase : Well, we had three, but Kapur retired and then Nichols just took off for his daughter's wedding.
Dr. Gregory House : I've got good news. For the next 16 hours, you are the new neurosurgeon.
Dr. Robert Chase : I'm not a neurosurgeon.
Dr. Gregory House : Which would matter if you actually had to do some neurosurgery.
Dr. Robert Chase : House, it's a hospital. The odds of having to do neurosurgery are higher than in most places.
Dr. Gregory House : If an EMT calls in with a brain or spinal trauma, just divert them to the nearest hospital. All you gotta do is stand around and keep the E.R. open. It's an administrative problem, not a medical one.
Dr. Robert Chase : House, where the hell are you?
Dr. Gregory House : Great. Glad you're on it.
[hangs up the phone]
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Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy] I can always tell when you lie. I mean always.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I slept with my freshman roommate.
Dr. Gregory House : A lie.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : A truth.
Dr. Gregory House : You have a tell.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : What is it?
Dr. Gregory House : First, admit that you were lying.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Fine. I was lying. My sexual history is boring and predictable. What is my tell?
Dr. Gregory House : Are you kidding? If I tell you your tell, you'll get rid of it, then I won't be able to tell.
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Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [to House] There's glass everywhere. Couldn't you have just put the mirror down nice and gentle?
Dr. Gregory House : I was in a mood.
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Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy] You turned off your phone, but you're still wondering, "What could it have been? What emergency will bring down the entire hospital if I decide to take the morning off?"
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I'm sorry. The clinic is facing reduced funding from the state. Nurse Jeffrey is filing his 12th H.R. complaint. Richardson is threatening to quit because he's basically been a prisoner at the hospital for almost a week.
Dr. Gregory House : Richardson?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : The neurosurgeon. He's the only one I have right now, which means he has to stay on the premises at all times or else the hospital technically isn't a level one trauma center.
Dr. Gregory House : Which means?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I'd have to shut down the E.R., transfer all of the patients out of the ICU...
Dr. Gregory House : Okay, stop. Turn around.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Why?
Dr. Gregory House : Because you need to relax.
[rubs Cuddy's shoulders and moves towards the door to the living room]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Where are we going?
[House nudges Cuddy out of the room and he starts to close the bathroom door on her]
Dr. Gregory House : I am going to make you a magical bath. It will have bubbles and eastern spices and blue diamonds and green clovers, transformative powers. But I must have solitude to focus my creative energies.