Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Hook (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Captain Hook

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Peter Banning]  Dude, how big a killjoy is this jerk?

  [as child] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Dad, is there a Santa Claus?

  [as himself] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No!

  [as child] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Is there an Easter bunny?

  [as himself] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, we made that up too.

  [as child] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Is there a God?

  [as himself] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well scientifically speaking, they've never proven that God exists, so probably not. In fact, the majority of religions, if not all religions, are completely false.

  [child cries] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, WHAT?

• [repeated line] 

  Nostalgia Critic : MY Jack.

• Nostalgia Critic : Can you form a sentence out of these words: Up the fuck shut!

• Nostalgia Critic : Is it possible to make fun of a movie you like? I don't know, but I'm doing it.

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I don't believe in fairies.

  [Flora from Sleeping Beauty drops from the sky; Critic shrugs and walks off] 

• Nostalgia Critic : On their way, she sprinkles some fairy dust on a kissing couple and they fly up in the air. It's a cute joke, but something about that couple seems familiar. It's George Lucas and Carrie Fisher? I swear to God that's not a joke. George Lucas and Carrie Fisher are the couple kissing on that bridge. Go, neurotic fan-fiction writers, to your keyboards! A new world of sexual Star Wars fantasies awaits you!

• Film Brain : [inserted clip]  Symbolism!

  Nostalgia Critic : What was that?

• Captain Hook : I want my WAR!

  Nostalgia Critic : The Ninjas must *die!*

• Captain Hook : It's Peter Pan.

  Nostalgia Critic : I recognize him from his peanut butter.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, it's at times like these I wish the pirates of Neverland would join forces with the Pirates of the Caribbean.

• Nostalgia Critic : Dude, was there fucking smoke on that ball? Smee is a fucking Olympian!

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Peter is fighting some pirates, another group just stands still in the background]  Uh, feel free to join in, guys. A super hyper adult-child with a sword is not easy to battle one on one.

• Nostalgia Critic : Fortunately, the Goonies of the Caribbean show up to give Peter some much needed help.

• Rufio : [dying in Peter's arms]  Do you know what I wish? I wish I had a dad... like you.

  Nostalgia Critic : That and... not getting stabbed would have been nice.

• Captain Hook : Peter! I swear to you, wherever you go, wherever you are. I VOW there will always be daggers baring notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children's children's children.

  Nostalgia Critic : You've seen Hollywood make sequels out of worse scenarios. This must end TODAY!

• Captain Hook : After all, what would the world be like without... Captain Hook?

  Nostalgia Critic : Probably like a world without bean chairs. Some would notice, but not a huge loss.

• Lost Boy : *That* was a *great* game.

  Nostalgia Critic : [mimicking]  YOU are a BAD actor.

• Nostalgia Critic : So they call the police as Detective Phil Collins here comes in to look over the situation. I'm not even kidding. That's really Phil Collins. IMDb it. It's totally him.

• Peter Banning : Someone give me a hand.

  Captain Hook : I already have.

  [crowd ooh's] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh yes... I went there.

• Toodles : Lost, lost, lost.

  Peter Banning : Lost what?

  Toodles : I've lost my marbles.

  Nostalgia Critic : Pray to God you laughed at that joke, because this movie has at least three variations of it.

• Peter Banning : [reading message from Captain Hook]  Dear Peter, your presence is required at the request of your children. Kindest personal reguards, JAS Hook, Captain.

  Nostalgia Critic : P.S., I don't care what anyone says, I really liked License to Wed.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Tinkerbell]  I've been waiting here 9 hours in this dress just praying that you'd stumble on to this. Thank you for stumbling on to this.

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, so if he went to Neverland to never grow up, then why is he constantly growing up? He was a baby then he was a boy and now he's a freakin' teenager? I'd sue Neverland for fucking false advertising.

• Nostalgia Critic : That's five major plot holes in the past five minutes. Five major plot holes. What the hell happened? You were doing pretty good up until then. What, did the writers of Lost come in and explain everything?

• Nostalgia Critic : So we cut to the next day at his son's game... why Santa Christ is the umpire, I have no idea.

• Captain Hook : And you'd better deliver, Miss Bell, or no amount of clapping will bring you back from where I will send you.

  Nostalgia Critic : There's a buttcrack with YOUR name on it.

• Captain Hook : Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have decided to cancel the war.

  Nostalgia Critic : I will instead run Ernest Goes to Camp.

  [audience aw's]