Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

A Tribute to Siskel and Ebert (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Dominic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. When you hear the word "critic," what's the very first thing you think of?

  [cut to a photo of The Nostalgia Critic] 

  Nostalgia Critic : know, I know. But aside from me, what's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "critic?"

  [cut to a photo of The Angry Video Game Nerd] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No! Get him offscreen! All right... aside from me and the Nerd, what's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "critic?"

  [cut to a photo of a man in a tribal outfit holding a violin] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Why would you... all right, aside from me, the Nerd, and... Half-Naked Violinist Running Down the Street... screw it. It's Siskel and Ebert.

• Nostalgia Critic : They're probably the best-known movie critics in all of media. Their trustworthy tagline "Thumbs Up" and "Thumbs Down" is still being used even today. But what is it about them that's so damn memorable? It's ironic that the lasting impression movies leave on them creates a lasting impression that these two leave on us. Don't try to understand that sentence- your brain will explode.

• Nostalgia Critic : They finally found a replacement: Richard Roeper, a much younger and more energetic critic compared to Roger Ebert, but sadly, not quite as up to par with Gene Siskel. Roeper simply seemed too young to be talking on the same level as Ebert about a lot these films. For example, Ebert's favorite movie is Citizen Kane. Roeper's is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Nothing wrong with that- I like the movie, also- but it does certainly show the difference between the two.

  Richard Roeper : All right, come on, I'm being punk'd, right? Now let's do your real review.

  Nostalgia Critic : Even though it's obvious Roeper really enjoys and admires movies, Siskel and Ebert practically breathed movies, from what they wrote to what they talked about. Everything was movies. Roeper was a columnist before he became a critic, and because of this, he sort of fell into the same traps that most critics on TV do: trying to slip in the one-liners.

  Richard Roeper : That's like saying the napkin's good in a bad restaurant.

  Richard Roeper : I'm a hipster who knows what's right for the kids.

  Richard Roeper : I swear, it seems like English is a second language for her.

  Richard Roeper : The obvious joke is Half Past Dead would be a documentary about Steven Segal's career.

  Nostalgia Critic : But now, to his credit, he seems like a nice enough guy. His columns are funny, he has a great respect for Ebert, and I really liked how he always promoted lesser-known actors from the films he reviewed. But, sadly, disaster struck again. Ebert was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and underwent radiation treatments on his salivary glands. An emergency operation resulted in him losing his voice. Because of this, Ebert had to leave the show to Roeper and, sadly, would never return. The show now starred Roeper and a series of guest critics. But after not being able to agree with the new direction the producers wanted to take it, Roeper left as well.

• Nostalgia Critic : In 1998, things started to take a turn for the worse. Siskel was checked into the hospital for treatment of a brain tumor. But did that stop the guy from reviewing films? Fuck no! He actually did the reviews from his hospital bed with a picture posted like he was right there. Which was a little creepy, but it still showed he had balls. But hell, if there's a way to get something done, you just take that way to get it done. Isn't that right, Ma-Ti?

  [a still picture of Ma-Ti, which changes based on his mood, appears with the caption "Ma Ti Live from Beating Heart Hospital"] 

  Ma-Ti : Oh, yes, Critic, just do your best and you will succeed.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah. That guy has balls, doesn't he?

  Ma-Ti : Yes, Critic, he certainly has strong, plentiful balls.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, by the way, what the hell are you doing in the hospital?

  Ma-Ti : I'm having my balls removed.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh.

  Ma-Ti : I'm officially a pussy.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I don't know if that officially makes you a...

  Ma-Ti : Pussy!

• Nostalgia Critic : I actually got to meet Roger Ebert at a book signing near Chicago. He autographed one of my favorite books of his, Your Movie Sucks. In fact, I have the book right here. Look at that pissed-off face. I can only hope to see so many bad movies I get that pissed off. So, let's see exactly what he wrote: "Your Movie Sucks... but you don't! Roger Ebert." Ha! You hear that! Anyone who doesn't like me out there: Roger Ebert, one of the greatest critics of all time, says I don't suck! Only my movies suck! My movies suck! Ha! Wait...

• Nostalgia Critic : It now appeared that the television legacy of Siskel, Ebert, and Roeper was officially gone. And it was instead replaced by these two douchebags, Ben Lyons and Ben Manken... Monkeywich... I hate them already. The show tried to incorporate a lot more interviews, opening nights, and a bunch of other gimmicks that just didn't seem like the original show. Because of this, the show did poorly, and has since then been replaced again by two more critics, Michael Phillips and A.O. Scott. They're a little better, but still not the same. That wonderful chemistry and creative energy that only Siskel and Ebert had would never be recaptured. But, then again, maybe it shouldn't be. That's probably what made them so great to begin with: they both shared an understanding and companionship that no other person could duplicate. I think that's what makes it all the more special and all the more lasting. Plus, both Richard Roeper and Roger Ebert are still writing. And despite his operation, Ebert says he feels fine. Actually, I think he looks kind of cool. I mean, he has a permanent smile on his face. That's actually kind of awesome. In fact, I tried having a permanent smile once, but it only lasted two days. In fact, every time I smile now, it hurts like a bastard.

• Nostalgia Critic : It's true that their relationship was very hard to figure out. They claimed they never hung out outside of work, but the way they acted sometimes, you'd swear they were brothers fighting over a toy truck.

  Gene Siskel : It's Thriller Week on Siskel & Ebert at the Movies, and we've got three new...

  Roger Ebert : It's called AND the Movies, not AT the Movies.

  Gene Siskel : That's this week on Siskel... & Ebert... & the Movies. And the asshole. And that's Roger.

  Nostalgia Critic : In fact, this video of them shooting a promo has gotten a ton of hits on YouTube just for that very reason.

  Gene Siskel : Roger is the only guy in the history to ever answer "Yes" to every question he's asked at McDonald's.

  Nostalgia Critic : But for as many insults each of them could take, they always dished back double the amount.

  Roger Ebert : When they saw Gene walking in with... a little kid behind the counter called for the manager and said, "Mr. Jones, can you come out here? You can understand Mr. Siskel, can't you?"

  Nostalgia Critic : But at least they could agree on one thing: they both fucking hate Protestants.

  Roger Ebert : Goddamn Protestants. Biggest thing that happens for them on Sunday is a bake sale.

  Gene Siskel : No, they've got to decide what color yellow tie to fuckin' buy.

  [the Nostalgia Critic is shocked] 

  Roger Ebert : That's right. The only fucking religion that has the Reader's Digest as a prayer book.

  Nostalgia Critic : I would just like to point out that, um, not all critics are prejudiced against certain religions. I, for example, am only prejudiced against these:

  [the names of various religions quickly scroll by, ending with "Whatever religion the Oompa-Loompas practice"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Especially the middle one.

• Nostalgia Critic : The cool thing about them is that even if you don't agree with their review, they're still incredibly fun to listen to. Like I love how Ebert actually thought Congo was supposed to be bad.

  Roger Ebert : And it's supposed to be funny. This movie was written by John Patrick Shanley. It's in the same mood as his movie Joe vs. the Volcano. It was hilarious!

  Nostalgia Critic : [unconvinced]  Yes... and, uh, Dominic from Video Game Confessions does a good British accent.

  Dominic : Oi!

  Nostalgia Critic : Faker.