- Pierce Hawthorne: We all know what we're really thinking. If, and i mean 'if' the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.
- Jeff Winger: Yes, we were all just thinking that, in 1856.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, you're in charge. I demand you deal with this.
- Jeff Winger: There's nothing to deal with.
- Abed Nadir: I'll say.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, all right, all right, everyone breathe. You know what this is?
- Abed Nadir: Yep.
- Jeff Winger: Shut up. This is a normal day with a bunch of friends who are done studying and a pen maybe rolled away.
- Annie Edison: Rolled away?
- Jeff Winger: Or fell down someone's shoe.
- Annie Edison: Let's check shoes.
- Jeff Winger: Annie! Fine, fine. Someone in this room is hiding your pen. Wanna know why? They feel terrible. They made a mistake. They waited too long to come forward and now they feel bad.
- Britta Perry: They should.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, okay. So, pen thief, we understand what happened, and we forgive you.
- Annie Edison: If you confess and apologize.
- Jeff Winger: Right, but here's the trick: Because this person now has no reason not to come forward, if by some chance, I get to the count of three and nobody comes forward, guess what. We have to accept that no one has the pen, don't we?
- [everyone makes a half-hearted agreeing sound]
- Jeff Winger: Don't we?
- [everyone makes the same sound again]
- Jeff Winger: Good. So here we go. One. Two.
- [Pierce raises his hand, and everyone points at him in an accusative way. Annie gasps]
- Jeff Winger: Pierce, do you have something to tell us?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen?
- [different people agree with this at the same time]
- Jeff Winger: [angrily] You wanna make a bet, you jerks? Lockdown! Abed, seal the doors. Nobody leaves until this pen shows up.
- Abed Nadir: I don't like this.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, tell it to the pen you might have.
- [Jeff puts his phone to his ear]
- Jeff Winger: Gwynnifer? Hi. Yeah, it's me. I can't make it. Well, tell your disappointment to suck it. I'm doing a bottle episode.
- [hangs up and throws his phone away]
- Shirley Bennett: Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?
- Jeff Winger: Oh, I could never deprive the world of a portion of my chest the strap would cover.
- [Jeff searches Troy's backpack and finds only a pillow]
- Jeff Winger: Okay. Troy just officially became my hero.
- Britta Perry: Let's rustle through your tampons and wallet so we can apologize to you.
- Shirley Bennett: I'm sure everybody here knows I don't steal.
- Annie Edison: Have you checked your bag, Shirley? If you took it by mistake, I forgive you.
- Britta Perry: If I took it, it's larceny. If you find it under mother hen, it's a mistake.
- Shirley Bennett: Mother hen? We're about the same age.
- Britta Perry: Sure, unless time is linear.
- Shirley Bennett: I'll make your ass linear!
- Britta Perry: That doesn't make any sense.
- Shirley Bennett: I'll make your ass sense.
- Abed Nadir: You're last up, Shirley. Dump your comedically huge bag and end this.
- Shirley Bennett: Uh. No, thank you.
- Annie Edison: Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel.
- Troy Barnes: Well, what do you know, Henry David Thoreau?
- Britta Perry: My oh my, Mike Ty... son. Just empty the bag.
- Shirley Bennett: No, I don't have Annie's pen. I'm simply a Christian woman who doesn't open her bag.
- [a minute later, she tries to leave. Pierce blocks her]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Nice try, Stephen Fry.
- Britta Perry: [frustrated] Stephen Fry!
- Jeff Winger: All right. It's not on the floor, so whoever accidentally took it...
- Annie Edison: Not accidentally! Accidents don't just happen over and over and over again, okay? This isn't budget daycare.
- Jeff Winger: Okay. Whoever insidiously and with great malice aforethought abducted Annie's pen, confess, repent and relinquish so we can leave.
- Britta Perry: [after searching Shirley's bag] Is this what you were trying to hide, Shirley? A pregnancy test?
- Jeff Winger: And more importantly, are they seriously marketing pregnancy tests to black women?
- Jeff Winger: I have a date to catch, or should I say, a catch to date.
- Britta Perry: [Rolling her eyes] I hope you just came up with that.
- Britta Perry: [while reading Abed's notebook] Oh my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
- Annie Edison: What? Gross!
- Shirley Bennett: Abed, this is so personal... and so accurate.
- Dean Pelton: [Looking into the library] What the hell did you people do in there!
- Abed Nadir: Something you and your puppies could only dream of, you non-miraculous son of a bitch.
- Britta Perry: Is this what you were trying to hide, Shirley? A pregnancy test?
- Jeff Winger: And more importantly, are they seriously marketing pregnancy tests to black women?
- [cut to packaging, You Know, Girl! Pregnancy Test]
- Jeff Winger: Well Annie, It looks like you were wrong. Britta does come prepared for one thing.
- [Jeff holds up a six-pack of condoms, Annie gasps]
- Jeff Winger: Or six. Big weekend?
- Britta Perry: Can't complain.
- [Britta snatches the condoms from Jeff's hand]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Razzle pzazzle.
- Annie Edison: I don't suppose you'd mind letting us take a quick look-see in your bag?
- Britta Perry: Oh, I'd very much mind, Annie. There's no such thing as a quick invasion of civil liberties.
- [all groan]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, man.
- Britta Perry: In, it all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag. And then it's a brisk peeka-roony at our phone records. And before you can say 1984, the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread.
- Jeff Winger: Bend and spread? Are the Thought Police gonna make love to us?
- Troy Barnes: Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should've read that book.
- Annie Edison: Stop using the Constitution as a baby blanket. Last week, she invoked the Freedom of Information Act to request photocopies of my notes.
- [all chuckle]
- Jeff Winger: Heh, heh. That's pretty good.
- Britta Perry: Well, excuse me for living free.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Come on, Stoney, we all know the pen's in your bag.
- Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorne, Jeff Winger, Shirley Bennett: Yeah, come on. Yeah, come on, just drop it.
- [Britta dumps her purse on the group study table]
- Britta Perry: [angrily] Happy?
- Jeff Winger: Not if that's a used Q-tip.
- Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Shirley Bennett: Ew!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Gross.
- Britta Perry: Yes, gross. Welcome to the gross business of martial law. Welcome to what used to be individuality, seized and disintegrated by cowardly groupthink.
- [Britta points accusingly at group members]
- Britta Perry: Welcome, my friends, welcome to the machine.