Community (TV Series)

Cooperative Calligraphy (2010)

Chevy Chase: Pierce Hawthorne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Pierce Hawthorne : We all know what we're really thinking. If, and i mean 'if' the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.

  Jeff Winger : Yes, we were all just thinking that, in 1856.

• Annie Edison : Jeff, you're in charge. I demand you deal with this.

  Jeff Winger : There's nothing to deal with.

  Abed Nadir : I'll say.

  Jeff Winger : Okay, all right, all right, everyone breathe. You know what this is?

  Abed Nadir : Yep.

  Jeff Winger : Shut up. This is a normal day with a bunch of friends who are done studying and a pen maybe rolled away.

  Annie Edison : Rolled away?

  Jeff Winger : Or fell down someone's shoe.

  Annie Edison : Let's check shoes.

  Jeff Winger : Annie! Fine, fine. Someone in this room is hiding your pen. Wanna know why? They feel terrible. They made a mistake. They waited too long to come forward and now they feel bad.

  Britta Perry : They should.

  Jeff Winger : Okay, okay. So, pen thief, we understand what happened, and we forgive you.

  Annie Edison : If you confess and apologize.

  Jeff Winger : Right, but here's the trick: Because this person now has no reason not to come forward, if by some chance, I get to the count of three and nobody comes forward, guess what. We have to accept that no one has the pen, don't we?

  [everyone makes a half-hearted agreeing sound] 

  Jeff Winger : Don't we?

  [everyone makes the same sound again] 

  Jeff Winger : Good. So here we go. One. Two.

  [Pierce raises his hand, and everyone points at him in an accusative way. Annie gasps] 

  Jeff Winger : Pierce, do you have something to tell us?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen?

  [different people agree with this at the same time] 

  Jeff Winger : [angrily]  You wanna make a bet, you jerks? Lockdown! Abed, seal the doors. Nobody leaves until this pen shows up.

  Abed Nadir : I don't like this.

  Jeff Winger : Yeah, tell it to the pen you might have.

  [Jeff puts his phone to his ear] 

  Jeff Winger : Gwynnifer? Hi. Yeah, it's me. I can't make it. Well, tell your disappointment to suck it. I'm doing a bottle episode.

  [hangs up and throws his phone away] 

• Pierce Hawthorne : People like you are the reason we took so long to get into Vietnam.

• Abed Nadir : You're last up, Shirley. Dump your comedically huge bag and end this.

  Shirley Bennett : Uh. No, thank you.

  Annie Edison : Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel.

  Troy Barnes : Well, what do you know, Henry David Thoreau?

  Britta Perry : My oh my, Mike Ty... son. Just empty the bag.

  Shirley Bennett : No, I don't have Annie's pen. I'm simply a Christian woman who doesn't open her bag.

  [a minute later, she tries to leave. Pierce blocks her] 

  Pierce Hawthorne : Nice try, Stephen Fry.

  Britta Perry : [frustrated]  Stephen Fry!

• Jeff Winger : Well Annie, It looks like you were wrong. Britta does come prepared for one thing.

  [Jeff holds up a six-pack of condoms, Annie gasps] 

  Jeff Winger : Or six. Big weekend?

  Britta Perry : Can't complain.

  [Britta snatches the condoms from Jeff's hand] 

  Pierce Hawthorne : Razzle pzazzle.

• Annie Edison : I don't suppose you'd mind letting us take a quick look-see in your bag?

  Britta Perry : Oh, I'd very much mind, Annie. There's no such thing as a quick invasion of civil liberties.

  [all groan] 

  Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, man.

  Britta Perry : In, it all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag. And then it's a brisk peeka-roony at our phone records. And before you can say 1984, the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread.

  Jeff Winger : Bend and spread? Are the Thought Police gonna make love to us?

  Troy Barnes : Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should've read that book.

  Annie Edison : Stop using the Constitution as a baby blanket. Last week, she invoked the Freedom of Information Act to request photocopies of my notes.

  [all chuckle] 

  Jeff Winger : Heh, heh. That's pretty good.

  Britta Perry : Well, excuse me for living free.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Come on, Stoney, we all know the pen's in your bag.

  Annie Edison , Pierce Hawthorne , Jeff Winger , Shirley Bennett : Yeah, come on. Yeah, come on, just drop it.

  [Britta dumps her purse on the group study table] 

  Britta Perry : [angrily]  Happy?

  Jeff Winger : Not if that's a used Q-tip.

  Annie Edison , Troy Barnes , Shirley Bennett : Ew!

  Pierce Hawthorne : Gross.

  Britta Perry : Yes, gross. Welcome to the gross business of martial law. Welcome to what used to be individuality, seized and disintegrated by cowardly groupthink.

  [Britta points accusingly at group members] 

  Britta Perry : Welcome, my friends, welcome to the machine.