Community (TV Series)

The Psychology of Letting Go (2010)

John Oliver: Professor Ian Duncan

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Quotes 

• Professor Ian Duncan : Greetings, class. I am Dr. Ian Duncan. Now, I don't normally teach Anthropology, but apparently, Professor Bauer tried to strangle Mr. Winger and has been put on administrative leave with pay. So, what is anthropology?

  [pauses] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : Seriously, does anyone know? You, in the boobs.

  Annie Edison : It's the study of humanity.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Wow. Wow, I thought Psychology was a racket.

  Ben Chang : Well, well. I heard there was a drunk limey teaching this class.

  Professor Ian Duncan : I'm not actually drunk and I can prove it. I blew beneath the legal limit just this morning.

  Jeff Winger : That's reassuring.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Also I would like everyone here to know that this man assaulted me last year. And I have a restraining order, so I can have him expelled if he comes within...

  Ben Chang : [holding up a tape measure]  Twenty-five feet. Abed.

  Abed Nadir : Yep.

  [Abed pulls the tape from Chang twenty-five feet to Duncan] 

  Ben Chang : Proceed, Dr. Teeth.

• Professor Ian Duncan : So where did we get to yesterday?

  Jeff Winger : We were talking about humanity, which starts with birth and ends with death.

  Professor Ian Duncan : True, all life ends in death, which we as a species are cursed with knowing, resulting in...

  [writes the word on the blackboard] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : something. Again, this is really not my field.

  Jeff Winger : Professor, what would you say might be the difference between a religion and a cult?

  Professor Ian Duncan : Why don't we open that to the floor since I don't know and the book for this class is expensive?

  Jeff Winger : Well, I would say a cult might, for instance, sell you a tube of Jell-O and tell you your mother is in it.

  Shirley Bennett : [scoldingly]  Jeffrey!

  Professor Ian Duncan : Oh, I see and are we thinly veiling personal conflict and passing it off as a lesson? Because if so, please continue.

• Professor Ian Duncan : What? Whoa, busted, 25 feet.

  Ben Chang : Which puts you in violation of this restraining order I filed against you for abusing me with your restraining order. Ah!

  Professor Ian Duncan : Mutually assured destruction. Well played, Chang.

  Ben Chang : Thank you. That... That means a lot.

• Pierce Hawthorne : If you're curious, come to my church's Open Hive tomorrow. You know, wine, beer and free credit checks.

  Professor Ian Duncan : How much wine and beer per person?

  Jeff Winger : Oh, come on.

  Professor Ian Duncan : We're having a con... What?

  Hot Girl : Excuse me, is this Anesthesiology?

  Professor Ian Duncan : Yes. Yes, it is.

  [turns his head and speaks under his breath] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : Just go with this.

• Professor Ian Duncan : Hello, Billionaire Boys Club. What happened in class today?

  Jeff Winger : You pulled 40 minutes of anesthesiology out of your ass. Yeah, I did, but I meant your elderly friend.

  Jeff Winger : Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a doughnut?

  Professor Ian Duncan : I do not.

  Jeff Winger : How I got teased in grade school for dabbing my pizza with napkins? I've suffered. I've denied myself.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Mm-hm.

  Jeff Winger : Because the rules said, if I did that, I would live longer, but then, halfway through the game, I get this little update. That it doesn't matter what I do. I could eat powdered bran every day while you suck down figgy pudding and I still might die first. It's unfair. I want my doughnuts back.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Well, I think you're being a little childish and... Hold on. I need to use my force field to prevent Chang from getting food.

  [cut away and return] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : Now, where were we? Look, the way I see it, while claiming to have no religion, you were actually devoutly worshipping yourself. And now that your god has high cholesterol, you're trying to kick Pierce's in the balls.

  Jeff Winger : You're right. All I've been trying to do is crush Pierce's faith to feel better about dying.

  Professor Ian Duncan : And?

  Jeff Winger : Now that I realize that that was my goal, I can really roll up my sleeves and get it done.

  Professor Ian Duncan : There it is.

  Jeff Winger : Thank you.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Welcome. No, that wasn't what I was... Actually, I don't care.

• Professor Ian Duncan : Sorry, I overslept. The sidewalk is more comfortable than it looks.

  Ben Chang : Drunk, glug, glug, glug.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Shut up. So where did we get to yesterday?

  Ben Chang : [robotic voice]  You are drunk and stupid.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Actually, Ben, I do have a wee bit of a headache, so if you could just...

  [Ian walks toward Ben] 

  Ben Chang : Umm.

  [Ben scurries to the back of the class] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : [surprised look]  Isn't that interesting?

  Ben Chang : I have a right to be here, sir.

  Professor Ian Duncan : You do, you do.

  [Ian advances farther] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : And I do hope you have very good hearing.

  Ben Chang : [Ben backs out of the classroom, looks down and gasps]  Bastard!

• Professor Ian Duncan : So where did we get to yesterday?

  Jeff Winger : We were talking about humanity, which starts with birth and ends with death.

  Professor Ian Duncan : True, all life ends in death, which we as a species are cursed with knowing, resulting in... something. Again, this is really not my field.

  Jeff Winger : Professor, what would you say might be the difference between a religion and a cult?

  Professor Ian Duncan : Why don't we open that to the floor since I don't know and the book for this class is expensive?

  Jeff Winger : Well, I would say a cult might, for instance, sell you a tube of Jell-O and tell you your mother is in it.

  Shirley Bennett : [scoldingly]  Jeffrey!

  Professor Ian Duncan : Oh, I see and are we thinly veiling personal conflict and passing it off as a lesson? Because if so, please continue.