Community (TV Series)

Asian Population Studies (2011)

Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

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Quotes 

• Jeff Winger : Don't say anything until you hear what I have to say. I've known you for almost two years now and I've never taken you as seriously as I should have. You are the strangest, coolest, most genuine person I've ever met. And the thing that scares me about you is how good you make me wish I was. Help me, Rich. Help me become like you. I mean, I am so amazing, but I'm not perfect. You are. Give me that power, so I can abuse it.

  Rich : Jeff, you are one funny bunny. But you can't just fake being good in order to get away with doing bad things.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, I completely understand. And do you understand that I still have to try, and that, if you don't help me, you're a bad person?

  Rich : You got me there, guy. Come on in and dry off.

• Jeff Winger : I wanna say some names to you. Jeffrey Dahmer. Ted Bundy. Rich. What do they have in common? We don't know them very well. What do we know about Ben Chang? We know he's nuts.

  Ben Chang : Let him finish.

  Jeff Winger : We know he's dangerous. Unpredictable. Selfish. We know he uses his name to make bad puns.

  Ben Chang : Guilty as Chang'd.

  Jeff Winger : When he talks, he over- and under-emphasizes words at random. When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.

  Ben Chang : Bring it home!

  Jeff Winger : He smells like Band-Aids. We know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver. We know he exhibits... Nay, flaunts, proudly, obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets.

  Ben Chang : Feel the heat.

  Jeff Winger : We know these things about Ben Chang. And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him. Why? Because it's there. It's on the surface. What you see may be what you don't want, but it's also what you get.

  [about Rich] 

  Jeff Winger : Who is this kettle corn popping phantom? This human question mark? This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca with a PhD in Being Swell and a masters in Everybody Loves Me? Who is it? We may never know. I only know one thing. Nobody is this good a person. And nobody can get any worse than this. He's horrible. Now. Who's voting for Chang?

• Jeff Winger : [about Rich]  He has lived such a long, full life. How old is he again?

  Annie Edison : Thirty-something. He has a landline and uses the word "album."

• Quendra : I spell kettle corn with a Q-U.

  Jeff Winger : Well, don't.

• Andre Bennett : You ever have something that you didn't truly appreciate until you didn't have it anymore?

  Jeff Winger : [looks forlornly into the distance]  Oh, yeah. Keristina.

  Andre Bennett : Old girlfriend?

  Jeff Winger : Almond facial scrub. They only make it in Finland.

• Jeff Winger : Hey, guys, I want you to meet someone.

  Quendra : My name's Quendra, I spell it with a Q-U.

  Jeff Winger : She's thinking about taking anthropology. So maybe she would make a nice addition or two to our study group.

  [Annie overhears and looks over her shoulder] 

  Jeff Winger : Something to consider.

  Quendra : [to Troy]  Are you Abed? I love Star Wars.

  Jeff Winger : That's Troy.

  Quendra : I love footballs.

  Troy Barnes : Jeff, we're dealing with heavier things right now than your shameless lobbying.

  Annie Edison : [gasps excitedly]  Rich brought kettle corn!

  Troy Barnes : Kettle corn? That's a fun-time snack.

• Annie Edison : Uh...

  Jeff Winger : [whispers]  Shirley.

  Andre Bennett : Oh, wow. What you gonna do, baby?

  Shirley Bennett : I don't know.

  [Chang falls to his knees in front of Shirley silently pleading] 

  Pierce Hawthorne : Shirley, this is the best kettle corn I've ever had. If you don't vote for Rich, I'll shatter your world.

  Shirley Bennett : You gonna what?

  Pierce Hawthorne : I'll shatter your world!

  Shirley Bennett : I heard you. I vote for Chang.

• Ben Chang : [from the top of a bookcase above the group]  "Chang" the subject.

  Troy Barnes , Jeff Winger , Annie Edison , Abed Nadir , Pierce Hawthorne , Shirley Bennett , Britta Perry : [shocked]  Aah!

  Troy Barnes : [loudly]  What are you doing up there?

  Ben Chang : It's the beginning of a new semester of anthropology and I'm here to get what I was promised.

  Jeff Winger : Sure. Who her has Chang's pile of nothing?

  Ben Chang : You know what I mean. I'm sick of the run-around. I'm here to demand an immediate answer about whether I'm joining the study group.

  Jeff Winger : Well, if we have to give an immediate answer, it would have to be no.

  Ben Chang : Take your time. Sleep on it. Then get back to me, or else.

  Annie Edison : Jeff, you did say we would let him in eventually.

  Jeff Winger : That was before he started using his name as a pun. It makes me so Changry.

  [Annie gasps] 

  Jeff Winger : Oh, God, it's happening to me.

  Troy Barnes : Let's get back to who Annie's in love with. Is it Fat Neil?

  Abed Nadir : Bluestreak?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Pierce: Optimus Prime?

  Annie Edison : Ok, even I know some of these are Transformers.

  Jeff Winger : [irritatedly]  Who cares who it is? Let's just study.

  Abed Nadir : Study what? We haven't had our first class yet.

  Jeff Winger : [insistently]  Well, can we talk about something other than Annie's love life?

  Shirley Bennett : [smiles and nods her head]  We could talk about my love life.

  Jeff Winger : Is it Jean Claude Van Overbite?

  [Annie rolls her eyes] 

  Abed Nadir : We should really start learning people's names.

  Jeff Winger : I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

  [Abed mimics gunshot at Jeff in agreement] 

• Jeff Winger : What do we know about Ben Chang? We know he's nuts.

  Ben Chang : [interrupts]  Let him finish!

  Jeff Winger : We know he's dangerous. Unpredictable. Selfish. We know he uses his name to make bad puns.

  Ben Chang : Guilty as Chang'd.

  Jeff Winger : When he talks, he over- and under-emphasizes words seemingly at random. When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.

  Ben Chang : Bring it home!

  Jeff Winger : We know he smells like Band-Aids. We know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver. We know he exhibits... nay, flaunts, proudly, obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets.

  Ben Chang : [sing-songy]  Feel the heat!

  Jeff Winger : We know these things about Ben Chang and so much more than we ever wanted to know about him. Why? Because it's there. It's on the surface. What you see may be what you don't want, but it's also what you get.

  Andre Bennett : [underwhelmed]  Wow.

• Jeff Winger : Hey, guys, I want you to meet someone.

  Quendra : My name's Quendra, I spell it with a Q-U.

  Jeff Winger : She's thinking about taking anthropology. So maybe she would make a nice addition or two to our study group.

  [Annie overhears and looks over her shoulder] 

  Jeff Winger : Something to consider.

  Quendra : Are you Abed? I love Star Wars.

  Jeff Winger : That's Troy.

  Quendra : I love footballs.

  Troy Barnes : Jeff, we're dealing with heavier things right now than your shameless lobbying.

  Annie Edison : [gasps excitedly]  Rich brought kettle corn!

  Troy Barnes : Kettle corn? That's a fun-time snack.

• Jeff Winger : [door opens, rain soaked and out if breath]  Don't say anything until I've said what I gotta say. I've known you for almost two years now, and I've never taken you as seriously as I should have. You are the strangest, coolest, most genuine person I've ever met, and the thing that scares me about you is how good you make me wish I was. Help me, Rich. Help me become like you. I mean, I am so amazing, but I'm not perfect. You are. Give me that power so I can abuse it.

  Rich : [chuckles]  Jeff, you are one funny bunny. You can't just fake being good in order to get away with doing bad things.

  Jeff Winger : I completely understand. And do you understand that I still have to try? And if you don't help me, you're a bad person.

  Rich : [enthusiastically]  You got me there, guy. Come on in and dry off.

  Jeff Winger : Oh. Smells delicious. Are you baking?

  Rich : Yeah, muffin tops.

• Annie Edison : You can't be serious.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the World Serious of Seriousness. Sponsored by Honey Nut Seri-os.

  Annie Edison : Are you stalling right now?

  Jeff Winger : Stalling? Ha-ha-ha. Stalling. No, Annie. In fact, you're gonna wish I was stalling. Oh, I just got it, thank you.

  [Jeff pushes Annie away the front] 

  Annie Edison : Oh.

• Abed Nadir : Dr Rich, What sets your kettle corn apart?

  Rich : Well, it's a secret ingredient, a couple extra pinches of love.

  Troy Barnes : Oh. You can't beat that.

  Abed Nadir : That feels good.

  Jeff Winger : Not this again. Rich, you know they're doing a fake morning show. There are no cameras.

  Rich : Rich: I know. It's just a fun way to start the day. So grab a paddle, partner, and hop on in here.

  Jeff Winger : You know what, that does sound...

  [turns and exits] 

  Rich : Yeah.

  Abed Nadir , Rich , Troy Barnes : Troy and Abed in the morning

• Ben Chang : Unless you want a front row seat to Annie loves Richie, it's time to "Chang" your point of view.

  Jeff Winger : It's not even clever. You keep using it as the word "change." Okay. Okay. Okay. Just do me a favor. Let me do all the talking and follow my lead.

  Ben Chang : Deal.

  [slow claps] 

  Jeff Winger : Seriously, do you have brain damage?

• Troy Barnes : Why are you using your l-Iove-butterflies voice?

  Annie Edison : What? Am I? I don't know. Volunteer work is nice. You do nice things with nice people.

  Troy Barnes , Britta Perry , Jeff Winger , Pierce Hawthorne , Shirley Bennett : Ooh.

  Britta Perry : Somebody's finding river fingers with a cute boy.

  Annie Edison : What? No. Well, okay, yes, but it doesn't matter. It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy.

  [Jeff looks concerned] 

  Abed Nadir : A guy that goes to Greendale?

  Annie Edison : Mm-hm

  Abed Nadir : Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?

  Annie Edison : It doesn't matter.

  Troy Barnes : Is it the guy who looks like Vince Vaughn but smells like fish?

  Annie Edison : I don't wanna talk about it.

  Shirley Bennett : Well, I have someone in my life that I'm happy to talk about.

  Britta Perry : Again with the Jesus.

  Shirley Bennett : Jesus is always in my life, but things have been looking better every day with my ex-husband.

  [Britta's smile fades to concern] 

  Abed Nadir : Is it the guy that looks like Anderson Cooper, but with a soul patch and the ponytail?

  Annie Edison : [insistently]  No.

  Troy Barnes : Is it black Michael Chiklis?

  Annie Edison : [irritatedly]  No!

  Pierce Hawthorne : White George Foreman?

  Britta Perry : You guys are talking about the same person. He's bi-racial, his name is David, and he's a human being.

  Annie Edison : Guys, stop guessing. It's not a thing at all, it's just a friend. Change the subject.