- Selma Bouvier: Marge, if I ever get proposed again, please gouge my eyes out.
- Louie: We can teach you how to do it too. The secret is not to stop until you hear a pop.
- Fat Tony: I like you. I don't know whether to smack you on your kisser or kiss you on your smacker.
- Selma Bouvier: And I don't know whether to peck you on your kicker or kick you on your...
- Lisa Simpson: [worried] Dad, Aunt Selma is treating a mob boss like an ordinary taxpayer.
- Homer Simpson: [excited] And we've got front row seats!
- [at Selma and Tony's wedding]
- Homer Simpson: Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day. He did give her the kiss of death, right?
- Marge Simpson: No!
- Homer Simpson: [disappointed groan] Aww! I decorated her car for nothing.
- [cut to a car outside with banners reading "JUST MURDERED"]
- Homer Simpson: Well, if it isn't Before and After. Blob and blob lite. Tweedle-Yuck and Tweedle-Blech.
- Fat Tony: Ahem. I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Homer Simpson: [scared] Um, Fat Tony. I was just complimenting your beautiful girlfriend while insulting her hideous twin.
- Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, Fat Tony. My husband doesn't realize what he's saying, then five seconds later...
- Homer Simpson: [scared] Oh, my God!
- Fat Tony: All will be forgiven. If you sketch a portrait of Patty showing her inner beauty.
- Homer Simpson: You are cruel but fair.
- Homer Simpson: Can we bring towels?
- Fat Tony: We have towels.
- Homer Simpson: [whispers] I take a special size.
- Tooshie: You two look so pale. But don't worry. Every light here is a tanning light.
- Marge Simpson: Can you read by them?
- Tooshie: You know, no one's ever tried.
- Lisa Simpson: That's a truffle.
- Bart Simpson: You're a truffle!
- Lisa Simpson: A truffle is a rare underground fungus that grows on the roots of trees.
- Bart Simpson: Leave it to you to make tree poop boring.
- Comic Book Guy: And how do you know the bride?
- Marge Simpson: I'm her sister! And you?
- Comic Book Guy: I bought her pool table on Craig's List. Consider yourself slighted.
- Plastic Surgeon: Tony, the surgery was a complete success, so can I take your cousin, the "anesthesiologist," off the payroll?
- Fat Tony: You certainly may. Now where is my Selma?
- Selma Bouvier: Here's the part that's not in the trash. Mm-hmm.
- Fat Tony: Ooh, boys, I'd like a little privacy with Selma. Why don't you take the doctor out back?
- Louie: Should we take care of him or "take care of him"?
- Fat Tony: Take... care of him.
- Louie: I don't know what that meant. Was it the first one or the second one? I can't ask him, otherwise he's gonna "take care of me."
- Fat Tony: I love it here. The way the sun goes down like a crooked boxer. Selma, in this matto, svitato world, you've got to hold on to the good things.
- Man Being Drowned: Whoa. Sounds like someone's gonna propose here.
- Johnny Tightlips: Shut up. You're spoiling the mood.
- Selma Bouvier: So, you're here for an eye test? Read this.
- [she puts a "closed" sign on the counter]
- Fat Tony: [opening it back up] Process my form.
- Selma Bouvier: [grumbling] I'm afraid this is the wrong form. The one you want is on that table.
- Fat Tony: And if I retrieve that form, will I be able to maintain my advantageous position in line?
- Selma Bouvier: Try it and see.
- [he turns around to leave]
- Selma Bouvier: Nope.
- Selma Bouvier: Which of you losers is next in line?
- Fat Tony: [reading her nametag] Hello, "Selma". I'd like to submit a change of address.
- Selma Bouvier: Leaving Mockingbird Lane, Mr. Munster?
- Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo! First in line. Brought you a gift bag.
- Bart Simpson: All that's left is banana Runts. That's the worst Runt. Back of the line, stranger.
- Homer Simpson: Huh?
- Lisa Simpson: We used our last day of summer vacation standing in this line, and now it's time for our reward.
- Bart Simpson: Next in line! What am I bid for next in line?
- Carl: Five bucks.
- Sideshow Mel: Ten bones.
- Chief Wiggum: Half a cheesesteak.
- Krusty the Clown: I'll perform at your birthday party. Sober.
- Chief Wiggum: Quarter of a cheesesteak.
- Groundskeeper Willie: A nest with a robin's egg.
- Chief Wiggum: The wrapper of a cheesesteak.
- Fat Tony: I bid one lollipop.
- Lisa Simpson: Sold, to the lowest bidder.
- Homer Simpson: [in line at the DMV] Oh, I was standing in this line to use the bathroom, but now my license is expired.
- Bart Simpson: Hey, Dad, there's an arcade across the street, and there's really no point in all of us waiting in line.
- Homer Simpson: Hmm.
- [cut to him having fun at said arcade]
- Bart Simpson: Oh, I was invited to that party.
- Marge Simpson: Selma, I just can't get over the new you.
- Selma Bouvier: The world's a different place when you've got a waist. The clerk in the electronics store asked me if I needed help.
- Patty Bouvier: [impressed] Ooh.
- Selma Bouvier: [kidnapped by Fat Tony] The view was better inside the sack.
- Fat Tony: You are one tough cookie. I'll tell you what, I'll let you pick which body part I cut off first.
- Selma Bouvier: Fine. I choose my love handles.
- Fat Tony: What?
- Selma Bouvier: Then my arm wattles, my cankles, and finish off with my excess back fat.
- Fat Tony: You do not register the level of fear, say, Louie here would.
- Louie: Yeah, show some respect for the process.
- Fat Tony: Selma, will you share my life with me?
- Selma Bouvier: Oh, Tony, if there were an Italian word for yes, I'd be saying it right now.
- Homer Simpson: Cant we stay a little longer? The Occurrence and I were going to go get broiled.
- Marge Simpson: Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, I have to be "that guy".
- The Occurence: Whoa, whoa! You don't want to be "that guy"!
- Homer Simpson: I don't want to be that guy, but she's making me be "that guy".
- Marge Simpson: Enough!
- Selma Bouvier: [taking off her bikini top in the hot tub] Ah. The boys needed to breath.
- Homer Simpson: Wouldn't they be girls?
- Selma Bouvier: Mine are boys.