Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Ixnay on the Oggie Day (2010)
Jon Cryer: Alan Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Harper : [Charlie, Alan and Jake are in a pizzeria] Okay. Why don't you let me get this one?
Charlie Harper : Really? You're not gonna go for the world record?
Alan Harper : What are you talking about?
Charlie Harper : 1,647 meals in a row where you haven't taken out your stupid, velcro wallet.
Alan Harper : You were counting?
Charlie Harper : Am I close?
Alan Harper : Nevertheless, I am paying.
Charlie Harper : Smell that, Jake? The air coming out of your father's wallet has been in there since before you were born.
Alan Harper : Very funny.
[Alan to waitress]
Alan Harper : Thank you.
Charlie Harper : Wait, wait, wait. Nobody is gonna believe this.
[Charlie takes a picture of Alan and his wallet with his phone]
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Jake Harper : Hey, Dad. As long as you got your wallet out, I could use some new sneaks.
Alan Harper : [Pulls out a wad of cash without hesitation] Sure.
Jake Harper : [In disbelief] Are you dying?
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Charlie Harper : [Alan is carrying a large bag] What's that?
Alan Harper : It's a portable massage table.
Charlie Harper : So, what? You're giving rub and tugs on the pier now?
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Alan Harper : I took money to give a woman pleasure.
Charlie Harper : Wait a minute. *You* gave a woman pleasure?
Alan Harper : [Holding his hands up] You have no idea what powerful orgasms these hands are capable of delivering.
Charlie Harper : No, I've always known that. I just find it hard to believe they could give them to *other* people!
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Alan Harper : I'm going to take a shower and try to wash the cheapness off me.
Charlie Harper : Better take some steel wool and a cheese grater!
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Priscilla Honeycutt : I'd like to make another appointment.
Alan Harper : Sure. What were you thinking? Maybe next week?
Priscilla Honeycutt : Tonight.
Alan Harper : Tonight? Oh, gloriosky! We close up at five.
Priscilla Honeycutt : [Handing him a card] So I can expect you at my house at nine.
Alan Harper : Oh, gee, I don't do housecalls.
[She hands him a big wad of cash]
Alan Harper : Per se!