Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Ixnay on the Oggie Day (2010)
Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper
Quotes
-
Alan Harper : [Charlie, Alan and Jake are in a pizzeria] Okay. Why don't you let me get this one?
Charlie Harper : Really? You're not gonna go for the world record?
Alan Harper : What are you talking about?
Charlie Harper : 1,647 meals in a row where you haven't taken out your stupid, velcro wallet.
Alan Harper : You were counting?
Charlie Harper : Am I close?
Alan Harper : Nevertheless, I am paying.
Charlie Harper : Smell that, Jake? The air coming out of your father's wallet has been in there since before you were born.
Alan Harper : Very funny.
[Alan to waitress]
Alan Harper : Thank you.
Charlie Harper : Wait, wait, wait. Nobody is gonna believe this.
[Charlie takes a picture of Alan and his wallet with his phone]
-
Charlie Harper : [Alan is carrying a large bag] What's that?
Alan Harper : It's a portable massage table.
Charlie Harper : So, what? You're giving rub and tugs on the pier now?
-
Alan Harper : I took money to give a woman pleasure.
Charlie Harper : Wait a minute. *You* gave a woman pleasure?
Alan Harper : [Holding his hands up] You have no idea what powerful orgasms these hands are capable of delivering.
Charlie Harper : No, I've always known that. I just find it hard to believe they could give them to *other* people!
-
Alan Harper : I'm going to take a shower and try to wash the cheapness off me.
Charlie Harper : Better take some steel wool and a cheese grater!
-
Charlie Harper : Hey, I'm just a rascal! *You* are a male prostitute!
-
Charlie Harper : [Charlie, Alan, and Jake are discussing Jake's new hairstyle] So, why'd you decide to abandon your classic cereal bowl coif?
Jake Harper : What's a "coif"?
Charlie Harper : You can't glean it from the context?
Jake Harper : What's "glean"?
Charlie Harper : [exasperated] Why'd you change your freakin' hair?