- Jeff Winger: To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it.
- Shirley: Uh, quick question. Are you all coming to my Christmas party right after the final, or are you stopping home to change into your Christmas outfits?
- Annie: [Breaking the silence] I guess I could wear one of my Hanukkah sweaters.
- Shirley: Uh, Annie.
- [Uncomfortable]
- Shirley: I didn't know you weren't, uh, Christian.
- Annie: Yep. One might even say I'm Jewish.
- Shirley: [Faking tolerance] Oh, tha-that's good for you. Tha-that's wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.
- Abed: I'm Muslim.
- Troy: Jehovah's Witness.
- Britta: Atheist.
- Shirley: [With raised eyebrows] The Lord is testing me.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Britta, put your blouse back on.
- Jeff Winger: [turns and Pierce kicks him] Ow!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Boys, this is not a game! You got to be ready for anything!
- Troy: Dude! That is not cool.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, that foxy black girl thinks it is.
- [kicks Troy when he turns]
- Jeff Winger: What are you doing?
- Troy: Why she have to be black?
- Shirley: You realize there's no other way for me to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year.
- Jeff Winger: December 10?
- Mike: Give me a winterdoodle!
- Jeff Winger: If you're trying to be menacing, maybe don't call the cookie by its name.
- Mike: Oh, you're funny. You're a funny man. Wanna hear something funny, funny man? Knock-knock. My fist up your balls!
- Jeff Winger: Who's there...?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I know a few moves. Troy, I assume you're handy with a switchblade. Abed, you get back to the family tent. Try to find a chicken for Jeff to chase.
- Annie: WWBJD?
- Pierce Hawthorne: If that stands for "What Would Billy Joel Do?" I'll tell you right now: he'd write another crappy song.
- [extends fist to Troy]
- Troy: ...yeah, in your face, Billy Joel!
- [mouths to Annie]
- Troy: Who is that?
- Annie: [mouths] I don't know.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Every man should be punched in the face. It's a rite of passage. In my day, Friday night was smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, and then get your teeth knocked out by a Republican.
- Shirley: I did my best to create a special Christmas for my *one* intact family... and this is the thanks I get.
- Annie: Shirley, you are a guilt machine.
- Pierce Hawthorne: And Annie knows a thing or two about guilt. Am I right, Jew?
- Annie: Say the whole word!
- Pierce Hawthorne: ...Jewie?
- Troy: You would never catch a Jehovah's Witness saying "Jewie."
- Pierce Hawthorne: Tell it to the birthday cake you never got. You know, there's an old Buddhist saying...
- Britta: You are not a Buddhist, you are in a cult.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Suck it, Nietzsche.
- Annie: Guys, everyone's faith is weird. Let's just not talk about it.
- [all speaking indistinctly]
- Mike: Look, this dude doesn't show up, we're definitely going to Applebee's, alright? 'Cause I'm getting in a fight no matter what today, I'm telling you, dude, right now.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Let's see what we're working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws.
- [Jeff punches pads lightly. Pierce laughs]
- Pierce Hawthorne: What are you, a North Korean seamstress?
- Jeff Winger: Not if that's bad.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Where should I put my Buddha incense holder?
- Britta: I'm pretty sure that's a bong.
- Señor Chang: All of you are moving on. Except for Jeff. Turns out you will be seeing me next semester... in Spanish 102... because he passed. And I'm the only Spanish teacher?
- Annie: Yay!
- [pause]
- Annie: I mean, for Jeff passing. You being our Spanish teacher? Eh.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Men were wired to fight each other so women could choose the right mate.
- Britta: No, the real reason men fight is to release their pent-up gayness.
- Pierce Hawthorne: That guy wasn't gay. He had a mustache.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'm born-again.
- Shirley: [Perks up] Oh!
- Pierce Hawthorne: We had a re-birthing ritual in my friend's hot tub. I'm now a level five Laser Lotus in my Buddhist community.
- Britta: That does not sound like Buddhism. You sure you're not in a cult?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Just by asking me that question, you put me back down to a level four. You now owe me 2000 Energon cubes.
- Troy Barnes: You're a pretty big dude. You've probably got moves.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, I got some theories.
- Abed: You've never been in a fight?
- Jeff Winger: Technically, no. I guess I'm too charming and likeable. Call me a name.
- Troy Barnes: I can't.
- Abed: Mm.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Are you telling me you've never been punched in the face?
- Jeff Winger: No, thank God. This is the moneymaker.
- Shirley: I am so sick of the dean jamming his PCness down my throat.
- Jeff Winger: Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [chuckling] PCness. Now I get it.
- Troy: It sounds like penis. I just got it, too.
- Shirley: Well, don't we have a diverse little family. I say we open up this party to all faiths. I brought my Star of Bethlehem, which led the wise men to the savior of all mankind. And you guys can bring a little trinket or doodad from your philosophies. Sounds good?
- Jeff Winger: As an agnostic, I'm gonna bring my winning smile.
- Jeff Winger: Whatever you do, don't tell Shirley about the fight. She'll start in with all her mothery guilt-inducing powers. You know what I mean?
- Troy Barnes: No. I'm wearing this Jesus bracelet because it gets me chicks.
- Troy Barnes: [teaching Jeff how to fight] No, it's a question. What's up?
- Jeff Winger: What's up?
- Troy Barnes: Not a real question, a rhetorical one. You have the answer, he does not. Then you give them the Forest Whitaker eye.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, that's pretty good.
- Troy Barnes: Okay, hold that stare. There you go. Hold it. Then, look straight through his eyes and deep into his soul.
- Britta: And then you move to Vermont.
- Troy Barnes: I'm sick and tired of you saying that fighting is gay.
- Abed: She's got a point. In boxing, you fight for the purse and a belt.
- Britta: I've gotta write a paper about that. Let's see what we're working with.
- Shirley: Jeffrey, I have two boys. And when we have a serious discussion, I find that a brownie helps them to relax.
- [gives Jeff a brownie]
- Shirley: So why do you hate me and Jesus?
- Jeff Winger: I don't think my brownie's working.
- Britta: And you can start by rooting for Jeff while he rolls around on the ground, groping another man. That's what I'm gonna do.
- Mike: Hey, look at that, Forehead's taking a test.
- Jeff Winger: Why don't you get going, Chuck Norris?
- Mike: Did you just shoo me?
- Britta: Why don't you just kiss him already?
- Mike: Dude, I will shoo your nose down your throat.
- Jeff Winger: Señor Chang, can you do something about this?
- Señor Chang: I'll allow it.
- Mike: Qué pasa here, huh? It's usted, dude. Even I know that.
- [knocks test off the desk, laughing]
- Jeff Winger: You picked the wrong day to correct my Spanish, No Sleeves. It's on.
- Abed: He's doing this for me. He's my bodyguard.
- Mike: You wanna dance?
- Britta: To some show tunes?
- Jeff Winger: No, I want to beat you and I'm gonna enjoy it, because you're like this school. You're obnoxious, cramping my style and you smell like french-fry oil.
- Mike: I don't get it.
- Jeff Winger: So help me, if that jerkweed made me fail.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, I aced it, amigo. That means cousin.
- Shirley: What is going on?
- Troy: We're trying to get Jeff ready for the fiiiiiiiiiiiii... iight.
- [whispers to Jeff]
- Troy: I couldn't think of another word.
- Jeff Winger: [to Troy] Idiot.
- [to Shirley]
- Jeff Winger: He meant we were figh... ting.
- [to Troy]
- Jeff Winger: It is hard to think of another word.