The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #3.6 (2009)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : [responding to Terri's accusations of being wrong]  How fucking dare you? Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets that contain my living, breathing fucking brain.

  Terri Coverley : Malcolm, I'm really sorry. I...

  Malcolm Tucker : And these crisp packets, cheese and onion, smoky bacon, have been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! Ben, fucking Nicola...

  Terri Coverley : I didn't mean to be horrid.

  Malcolm Tucker : And fucking you!

  Terri Coverley : I'm sorry.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

  Terri Coverley : I'm sorry.

  Malcolm Tucker : No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise. Don't you fucking apologise. You don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do. I mean, fucking, compared to Number 10, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean, it's like a fucking cancer ward. I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They are screaming, "You gave me this fucking disease." "You gave me this fucking disease." And every corner that I turn there's another threat, Terri. Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks. And they're slaughtering us, Terri. They are fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel! And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri. I used to be the fucking pharaoh. Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit. But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?

  Terri Coverley : Good idea.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?

  Terri Coverley : Yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : How are you feeling about things?

  Terri Coverley : Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by 6:00. Do you want a huggle?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, I think... That's nice of you. I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat but I have to get on. Let's get back on track.

  Oliver Reeder : [after Tukcer leaves]  What did he say?

  Terri Coverley : I don't know. It was all about ancient Egypt.

• Malcolm Tucker : [demanding to know how many journalists are outside their building]  How many are there?

  Oliver Reeder : Eight.

  Malcolm Tucker : Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown. Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!

  Nicola Murray : Come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?

  Malcolm Tucker : We are in a prison drama. This is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunneling through shit and no fucking redemption.

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Terrie]  You're wearing fucking trainers. You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.

• Malcolm Tucker : Do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you with a fucking rusty spade! I'll have your kidneys for fucking cuff-links!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Terrie]  When I need your advice, I'll give you the special signal, which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.

• Malcolm Tucker : How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.