The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #3.2 (2009)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : Please don't get up, I'm not Viagra.

• Malcolm Tucker : Fuck's sake! Jesus Christ! We'll never get another fucking adjective... 'til I get to fucking smug and glum... we're fucking retarded! Jesus Christ! Do you not think it would have been germane to check who you're talking to... It's a fucking newspaper office, it's not a fucking sanatorium for the fucking deaf, is it? Are you so dense? Am I gonna have to run around slapping badges on people with a big tick on it, with a big cross on others so you know when to shut your gob and when to open it? Jesus Christ... Oh but that would probably confuse you as well, won't it, that'd be too confusing, you'd see the cross and go "oh, X marks the spot, better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking catastrophic erectile dysfunction". Oh but, not to worry. Not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it... Fucking Ollie! He's a fucking knitted scarf... fucking balaclava!

• Robyn Murdoch : Do you know, Malcolm? The best way to clear a paper jam?

  Malcolm Tucker : I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?

• Malcolm Tucker : Get over here. Now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers and a shirt the colour of blood.

• Malcolm Tucker : The PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after 12 months - looks live you've fucked up. Sacked after a week - looks like he's fucked up.

• Malcolm Tucker : So do you think this is gonna advance your career? Is this you moving forward?

  Marianne Swift : At least my career has got a trajectory, whereas yours is about to crash head-on into a change of governement.

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't you worry girl, because I can still fucking steer some fucking flaming wreckage right in your fucking direction.

  Marianne Swift : Yeah, I tell you what, once it's printed I promise I come'll back to you for a reaction quote, how's that?

  Malcolm Tucker : Darlin', I wouldn't fucking piss on you if you were fucking allergic to piss, right?

• Malcolm Tucker : I just wanted to say to you by the way of introductory remarks that I'm extremely miffed about today's events and in my quest to try to make you understand the level of my unhappines, I'm likely to use an awful lot of - what we would call - violent sexual imagery and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.

  Nicola Murray : I could actually do without the theatrics I think, Malcolm.

  Malcolm Tucker : Enough! E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave. Right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy and you ate with a lump of E.coli. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 mph.

  Nicola Murray : I simply made a mistake.

  Malcolm Tucker : You got on the record and off the record fucking mixed up! What would have happened if like George Martin would have done that? They wouldn't be no fucking Beatles, that's what. No, I don't give a fuck about that. I'd have to fucking sit next to Paul McCartney in fucking checkers!

  Nicola Murray : The data loss wasn't my fault.

  Malcolm Tucker : Fine, yeah, but I tell you what. It came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder - should I just go and talk to the boss, should I go and tell him "I don't think she's up to the job."

  Nicola Murray : You said yourself if he sacks me after a week that looks like HE's fucked up.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, but that was before; When your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper and a face like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle.

  Nicola Murray : Okay I messed up. Right? I messed up, but... I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. I'll go on Question Time wearing a push up bra and a fez. I'll do the hustings on stilts if that's what you tell me the strategy is because you know about that stuff, Malcolm I know that. It's just that I've got things that I want to do, alright?

  Malcolm Tucker : Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses I suppose.

  Nicola Murray : No no no.

  Malcolm Tucker : The Mail have the motherload on this - right? So that means there's a way through this for us but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie.

  Terri Coverley : Right, what's the strategy?

  Malcolm Tucker : The Kraken awakes!

  Terri Coverley : No no - it's just that this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezes and stilts and teabagging. I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.

  Malcolm Tucker : I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?

  Terri Coverley : Not really, no. I'm told it's unpleasant. Who'd you want me to call?

  Malcolm Tucker : The Mail. Get The Mail in. Okay, come on, The Cheeky Girls, that's it, back on tour.

• Malcolm Tucker : Could you just pull in over here? And you could take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's shadow cabinet.

• Malcolm Tucker : John, how you doing. I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.

  John : Oh, thank you very much.

  Malcolm Tucker : Way of writing a fucking awful story.

• Malcolm Tucker : Morning, desk-jockeys. Is glummy-mummy in?

  Oliver Reeder : I think she's on the phone.

  Malcolm Tucker : All right. Why don't I just cool my heels here?

• Malcolm Tucker : Little pigs... Little pigs. Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on the chiny-chin-chin.

  Nicola Murray : So, what was your call?

  Malcolm Tucker : What was my call? You want to know what my call was?

  Nicola Murray : Was it important?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm sorry, I didn't realise that I had to run all my calls through your bed-wetters switchboard here. I usually just dial 118.

  Nicola Murray : Malcolm, do you know?

  Oliver Reeder : Obviously he knows.

  Glenn Cullen : No, he doesn't know...

  Nicola Murray : There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last 7 months worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh...

  [laughs] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Do you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, yes, sell off your fucking flayed skin as a sleeping bag to a fucking normal person!

  Nicola Murray : Can I just say that getting angry isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards bargaining, whatever, you know, you're behind me...

  Malcolm Tucker : So, what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on, I'm fucking all ears. I'm fucking Andrew Marr here.

  Nicola Murray : So let's... Terri, let's hear what you...

  Malcolm Tucker : Let's go, let's get going. High-level technical discussion, I'm up for it.

  Terri Coverley : Right. Blaming the departmenet, minister, might be a high-risk strategy.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, high-risk. Saucy. Pass F.

  Nicola Murray : My pitch would be - this departement is fatally flawed. It's out of condition, it's obese, it's astmatic.

  Malcolm Tucker : That's it girl, back over the net.

  Glenn Cullen : You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.

  Oliver Reeder : Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy futher because I really think that's the way...

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, the fucking wee boy is having a go now with his fucking tiny shorts on.

  [to Robyn] 

  Malcolm Tucker : What about Sue Barker's little sister here? What's she got to say? You've got something to say to add to the conversation?

  Robyn Murdoch : No, just that there was no Lemon zinger so uhm... This is coffee, is that alright?

• Malcolm Tucker : You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other.