- Owen Thoreau Jr.: I don't know about the rest of you fellas, but I will be having sexual relations tonight.
- Joe Tranelli: Oh. Mm-hmm.
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: Both boys at a sleepover. Yes, sir!
- Joe Tranelli: Mm-hm.
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: Mm!
- Joe Tranelli: Give the one year old a little cold medicine and go to town, right?
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: Oh, yeah, I will be going to town.
- Terry Elliott: Look how excited you are. Is sex that rare?
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: On the contrary. Melissa and I enjoy each other's company on a regular basis.
- Terry Elliott: Regular?
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: Mm-hmm.
- Terry Elliott: He just about shot a Roman candle out of his pants.
- Joe Tranelli: What are you averaging these days?
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: Per month? Um, it could be anywhere from, uh, one to, I don't know, fifteen.
- Joe Tranelli: Fifteen?
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: Mm-hmm.
- Joe Tranelli: Married man, kids. Fifteen times a month.
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: Mm-hmm.
- Terry Elliott: You know, solos don't count.
- Joe Tranelli: [showing Dory his hotel room] All right, where should we start? Uh... well, here's the, uh, kitchen.
- Dory: Now, see, you could have made us a nice romantic breakfast right here.
- Joe Tranelli: Next time, I'll do that. Yeah. I hope you like corn flakes out of your own hand.
- [she laughs]
- Joe Tranelli: All right, this is the living room/office/place where I sit naked and cry.
- [she laughs again]
- Joe Tranelli: Uh, you want to see the bedroom?
- Dory: Uh, aren't we in it?
- Joe Tranelli: No.
- [he moves her a few steps towards the bed]
- Joe Tranelli: There we go. Now you're in it.
- Joe Tranelli: This is cool. You're the... you're the first woman in my bedroom, if you don't count the lady who puts the mint on my pillow.
- Dory: Your music might have something to do with that.
- Joe Tranelli: I'm gonna ignore that.
- [she laughs]
- Joe Tranelli: 'Cause I'm not above kicking your ass.
- Dory: [she laughs and they kiss] Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you try.
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: [visiting his father in the hospital] If I ever get like that, you're allowed to divorce me.
- Melissa: Owen. Sharon, don't let that man get your goat. He will come around.
- Sharon Thoreau: Owen, please knock some sense into him.
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: Me?
- [she nods]
- Owen Thoreau Jr.: You bring a baseball bat?