- Leslie Knope: I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy. So I was hoping that there was one that you got along with.
- Ron Swanson: No. I hate them both.
- [to camera]
- Ron Swanson: On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?
- Tom Haverford: When Tiger Woods feels invincible, he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he's had sex.
- Ron Swanson: To exes.
- [Raises glass in toast]
- Ron Swanson: May they always stay that way.
- [Contemplates glass]
- Ron Swanson: Tammy is a mean person.
- Leslie Knope: Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.
- Ron Swanson: She's a grade-A bitch.
- Leslie Knope: There you go.
- Ron Swanson: Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?
- Leslie Knope: She works for the library.
- Ron Swanson: I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.
- Ann Perkins: I don't know, at least he finally has a real job. When we were dating, the only job he had was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or no Deal.
- Andy Dwyer: [Andy is shirtless with a headband, talking to a Camcorder] Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer, and I would be a perfect contestant for Deal or no Deal!
- [Andy rips guts out of a dead fish]
- Tammy Swanson: It's really good to see you, Ron.
- Ron Swanson: You've aged horribly.
- Tammy Swanson: You... son of a bitch.
- Ron Swanson: That didn't take long.
- Tammy Swanson: [shouting] Oh my God! What is your problem? Nothing's changed, has it? Who set the bed on fire?
- Manager: [the diner manager walks over] Excuse me, folks.
- Ron Swanson: I DID, OKAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?
- [to manager]
- Ron Swanson: We're fine, we're fine.
- [Ron and Tammy sit at different booths apart from each other]
- Leslie Knope: Does she have any weaknesses?
- Ron Swanson: No.
- Leslie Knope: What do you mean, "no"? Everybody has a weakness.
- Ron Swanson: Not machines. I honestly believe she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.
- Tom Haverford: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.
- Leslie Knope: I want it to be a perfect park with a state-of-the-art swing set and basketball courts, and off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.
- Tammy Swanson: Wow. If I'd had a park like that when I was growing up, I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall-slut phase.