- Troy: [as Abed lays down a beat, Troy raps] ¿Dónde está la biblioteca? Me llamo T-Bone, la araña discoteca.
- Abed: Discoteca, muñeca, la biblioteca, es bigote grande, perro, manteca.
- Troy: Manteca, bigote, gigante, pequeño, cabeza es nieve. Cerveza es bueno!
- Abed: Buenas Días! Me gusta papas frías! Bigote de la cabra es Cameron Diaz. Yeah, Boy!
- Troy: Yeah! What!
- Abed: Yeah. It's 2009.
- Troy: Word!
- Senor Chang: Every once in a while, a student will come up to me and ask, "Señor Chang, why do you teach Spanish?"
- [chuckles]
- Senor Chang: They say it just like that. "Why do *you* teach Spanish?"
- [grin drops]
- Senor Chang: "Why you? Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts?" I mean, surely, it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret, like, oh, building a wall that you can see from outer space! Well, I'll tell you why I teach Spanish. It is none of your business, okay? I don't wanna have any conversations about what a mysterious, inscrutable man I am. Oh hee hee hee hee hee hee! Oh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! *I am a Spanish Genius!* In español, my nickname is *El Tigre Chino*!
- [pretends to bite Shirley's neck]
- Senor Chang: 'Cause my knowledge will bite her face off! So don't question Señor Chang or you'll get bit. Yah bit! Yah bit!
- Senor Chang: Umm ok guys, why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take...
- Jeff Winger: ...Your breath away? Well tough.
- Annie: But, maybe when Jeff gets here we could talk to him as a group about his tardiness...
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh come on, don't use that word around Abed.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Apparently my sperm shoots through the egg like bullets! Can you believe that?
- Jeff Winger: I can't, but you can, so that's fine.
- Jeff Winger: Because you guys usually spend the first twenty minutes talking about your interesting personal lives and your cool emotional problems, and I just feel like I never have anything to offer. No, truth is, my life is emptier than this three-ring binder... Annie, do you have any Spanish notes that might fit into there?
- Britta: I... I think I was a little too harsh on you, I'm not perfect.
- Jeff Winger: I am! I'd be happy to show you the ropes.
- Britta Perry: [refusing Jeff's anniversary card] You're cute, but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near-delusion.
- Jeff Winger: [after Britta had left] She said I was cute.
- Jeff Winger: It's the two-week anniversary of my horrible first impression.
- Britta: There's a card for that?
- Jeff Winger: Well, not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as metaphors for friendship, I think you'll agree with this Transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man - by reading from the Torah.
- Annie: I volunteer at a seniors center, and I have seen the face of dementia, and last night I saw it again.
- Shirley Bennett: And this isn't the school paper. It's the real thing. There's a Marmaduke in there.
- Shirley Bennett: Sounds like somebody has a case of "likes to use fringe politics to feel special, but doesn't actually ever want to do anything-itis."
- Britta: No, I do things. I...
- [stammers]
- Britta: I went to... I don't do anything. What can I do?
- Annie: You can hang the Chacata-Panecos piñata.
- Britta: You guys realize that he was beaten to death, right?
- Shirley Bennett: That's where we got the idea from.
- Annie: Poignant.
- Dean Pelton: Good afternoon, Greendale Community College. I am your dean with a few corrections to the fall class catalogue. Cosmology should be Cosmetology. Astrology should be Astronomy. The students on the cover should be smiling, but I suppose that's a matter of opinion.
- Britta: So... that was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Which I guess makes being a part of it a pretty selfless act. So I'm impressed.
- Jeff Winger: How do you know I didn't do it just to get another shot at you?
- Britta: 'Cause a smart guy like you would know that no woman in that class will be able to look at you as a sexually viable candidate ever again.
- Jeff Winger: No, I know. I thought of that.
- Jeff Winger: She looked back.
- Jeff Winger: She said I was cute.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Tell you what. You take her. I have less to prove. You know, Jeff, you can't pursue people so desperately. It starts to creep them out. Why don't we get a beer? I'll give you advice, and we can have what the kids are calling a sausage fest.
- Jeff Winger: I'm not much of a sausage guy, Pierce. Maybe next time.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Next time then.