Joel McHale: Johnny Cage
Photos
Quotes
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[D'Vorah kicks Johnny Cage in the loins, every male cringes]
Sonya Blade : Don't be such a baby. It's just a kick in the nuts.
Johnny Cage : [in pain] Easy for you to say. You... don't... have nuts.
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Kitana : Reiko, Kintaro, move to the front. Push in from the opening. Jade, Baraka, take the TaiGore through the sides. Leave no one alive!
Johnny Cage : Wow. That... That seems a bit harsh.
Reiko : There! In the trees.
Johnny Cage : Finally! Yeah, I've been up here forever, it's about time you saw me.
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Shao Kahn : I could continue to destroy your realm. I have untold legions that will die for my cause. But... I only offer an end to the bloodshed. Permanently. You and I will travel to the Elder Gods, petition them for another tournament. The final Mortal Kombat.
Johnny Cage : Listen, shithead. If you think Raiden's going to agree to another tournament after we just kicked your ass on that whacked-out island of yours, you're even a bigger idiot than I thought. We've got another 1,000 years before that has to happen again...
Raiden : Agreed.
Johnny Cage : I'm sorry. Uh, maybe it's being kicked in the head by assholes from another dimension, but I thought you said "agreed."
Raiden : I did.
Sonya Blade : You can't be serious? We're holding them off on various fronts. We can win this!
Raiden : And then? We may win for a time. But Outworld is a place of vast resources. He will return to his throne, rebuild his army and attack again. Why place the responsibility of survival on your children's children when we can do something about it now?
Liu Kang : We should discuss this.
Raiden : No. I have made my decision. If we have a chance to end this now, we must.
Johnny Cage : It's not fair.
Raiden : It rarely is. But such is life.
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Stryker : A tournament? Like a... What? Karate tournament?
Johnny Cage : It's a whole thing. I'll explain later.
Raiden : We must journey to Outworld and defeat Shao Kahn's mightiest warriors to save Earthrealm and countless lives.
Johnny Cage : Nevermind. That sums it up.
Kung Lao : We won't let you down, Lord Raiden.
Raiden : I hope not... Because I will be fighting alongside you.
Kung Lao : You?
Liu Kang : But... No... You haven't.
Johnny Cage : Haven't what? What are we gasping in horror at?
Raiden : I have relinquished my godhood to compete in the tournament.
Liu Kang : But without your godhood...
Raiden : I am still a warrior, Liu Kang. Where do you think the Wu Shi learned their techniques?
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Johnny Cage : What happened?
Jax Briggs : Bug babe just kicked your ass.
Sonya Blade : Are you okay?
Johnny Cage : I, uh... I think so. I could use...
Sonya Blade : What? What could you use?
Johnny Cage : Some mouth to mouth?
Sonya Blade : Ugh!
[drops Johnny's head on the ground]
Johnny Cage : Ow! Where... Where you going? I'm super injured.
Jax Briggs : [scoffs] You will be if you keep acting a fool.
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Kitana : You wish... for us to surrender?
Johnny Cage : Well, yeah. I mean... Come on, you guys. That's what... uh, one, two, three, four, five. Carry the four. A couple thousand of you versus... me Johnny Cage. International action star. It's hardly fair.
Jade : Kitana, he is obviously mentally unwell. Let me kill him and be done with it.
Kitana : I have a counter-proposal. Kneel. Kneel and pledge allegiance to Shao Kahn.
Johnny Cage : Pledge allegiance? Lady, I don't pledge allegiance to anything except the red, white, and blue.
Kitana : Then you shall die.
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Jax Briggs : Is it me, or does Sonya look really pissed?
Johnny Cage : Yeah. I figured that would happen.
Stryker : What would happen?
Johnny Cage : Well, bug lady made the mistake of hitting Sonya's man... Moi. She's defending my honor.
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Johnny Cage : You know, there was a time no girl could withstand my charms. Listen, Jack attack, you know her best. Can you put in a good word for me?
Jax Briggs : You want a chance with a lady like that, it'll take more than some expensive veneers and perfect hair.
Johnny Cage : [scoffs] It's never failed me before.
Jax Briggs : Yeah... You look like a great collection of great life choices. Woman need to be wooed, Johnny. Pursued. Not coerced.
Johnny Cage : Isn't that the same thing?
Jax Briggs : Good night, Romeo.
