The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012)
Hugh Grant: The Pirate Captain
Photos
Quotes
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Pirate Captain : Now listen Charles, we've all done something unforgivable. I've betrayed my pirate honor, you've betrayed science, and Mr. Bobo's betrayed the animal kingdom.
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Pirate Captain : And that's why, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula.
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain : [looks at Darwin's house] You don't get many girls, do you?
Bobo : No. He. Doesn't.
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain : Avast! I'm a pirate captain, and I'm here for your gold!
Sailor : Gold? Afraid we don't have any gold, old man. This is a leper boat.
[his arm falls off]
Sailor : See?
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[from trailer]
Pirate with Scarf : Can we get there?
Pirate Captain : Yes, but unfortunately there's this dirty great sea monster in the way.
Charles Darwin : I think they just add those on the maps for decoration.
Pirate Captain : Is that a fact?
[they go that way, and the monster appears and eats the ship]
Pirate with Scarf : See? I told you!
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Pirate Captain : Fire the long things that go bang!
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain : What pirates? Nobody here but us girl scouts!
[the crew is disguised in scout uniforms]
Bobo : Yeah. Right.
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Black Bellamy : Excuse me? Listen, this is all very moving, I'm welling up here. But...
The Pirate King : Bellamy, this is most irregular!
Black Bellamy : So is this!
[shows everyone the newspaper says "PARDONED!", the crowd of pirates gasping in horror]
Black Bellamy : It seems Queen Victoria has pardoned the Pirate Captain.
[the crowd of pirates yelling]
Pirate Captain : So, what if she did?
Black Bellamy : If you've been pardoned, Then, technically: you're no longer a pirate. And if you're no longer a pirate, you really can't be Pirate of the Year. Now, can you?
[the crowd yelling continues]
The Pirate King : [turns to Pirate Captain] Is this true?
Pirate Captain : Well, that's... That's one, frankly, rather negative way of looking at it.
The Pirate King : Ohh! Villainous treachery! Treachery villainy!
[turns back to Pirate Captain]
The Pirate King : You've betrayed the pirating fraternity!
Pirate Captain : But, Pirate King!
The Pirate King : Your pirate hat and coat!
[Pirate Captain gives him the pirate, necklace and hat]
The Pirate King : Your pirate badge with googly eyes.
[He gives him the pirate badge]
The Pirate King : And your World of Hooks discount card.
[He gives his World of Hooks card]
The Pirate King : Confiscate his treasure! Every last bit of it.
[Pirate Captain looks at them, Two pirates closes the treasure box]
The Pirate King : BEGONE! May your lubber shame bear down upon you! You are hereby banished from Blood Island!
[Black Bellamy snickers]
The Pirate King : You are a pirate NO MORE!
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain : Behind every captain, there's a crew. Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber, some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate, and some of you are fish I've just dressed up in a hat...
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[from trailer]
Black Bellamy : You want to be Pirate of the Year? Do they just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?
Pirate Captain : She's not fat, she's just big-boned!
Black Bellamy : She's fat, dude!
[the Dodo vomits on Bellamy]
Black Bellamy : Dude, come on!
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Pirate Captain : Oh, sweet Neptune's briny pants!
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Queen Victoria : Do you know why I really hate pirates?
Pirate Captain : Childhood trauma, was it? Bitten by a pirate when you were a baby? Beard envy?
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[from trailer]
Peg Leg Hastings : The Pirate of the Year Awards...
Pirate Captain : Every time I've entered, I've failed to win. So, I must have a really good chance this time!
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Pirate Captain : Hell's barnacles!
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Pirate Captain : By Neptune's lips!
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Pirate Captain : Avast! I'm a pirate captain, and I'm here for your gold!
Sailor : Gold? This is a plague boat, old man. I'd give my right arm for some gold.
[his left arm falls off]
Sailor : Or my left.
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Pirate Captain : Sweet Neptune on a bike!
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Pirate Captain : Of course, a lot of people would put MY success down to my luxuriant beard. But! Do you know what I put my BEARD'S success down to?
The Pirate King : [In a booming, concussive voice offscreen] SHOUTING?
Pirate Captain : Good guess, but actually no... Actually, it's all thanks... to this!
[Holds up a brown jug labeled "Pirate Captain's Beard Gel For Luxuriant Beards"]
Pirate Captain : Yes! Made with real bear grease, it's my famous Pirate Captain's Beard Gel!
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Receptionist : If you're a scientist, name three elements.
Pirate Captain : Elements. Well, let's see... there's gold... ham... and the tears of a mermaid.
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain : You're the best crew a captain could wish for!
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Pirate Captain : "Added on for decoration", my foot.
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The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens : [the Pirate Captain catches the pirates arguing] Sorry, Captain.
The Pirate with Gout : We were just discussing, what's the best but about being a pirate?
Pirate Captain : Oh, you *were*, were you?
The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens : I suggested it might be the looting.
The Pirate with Gout : Whereas I content, it's the shiny cutlasses!
The Albino Pirate : And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases.
Pirate Captain : Well, you're, all of you, wrong. The best part about being a pirate isn't the looting or the cutlasses. It's not the grog, or the scurvy, or the scantily clad mermaids. The best part about being a pirate is... Ham Night!
[reveals a banner reading "IT'S HAM NITE" and everyone cheers]