Stephen Colbert: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Self - Host : [while asking questions from the Colbert Questionert through video-teleconference due to the COVID-19 pandemic]  what is the best sandwich?

  Tom Hanks : ham on Swiss, no tomato, lettuce and mustard

  Self - Host : what's one thing you own that you should really throw out?

  Tom Hanks : ummm...

  Self - Host : [while Hanks thinks it over]  one of those typewriters? Because you've got two, I happen to know you...

  Tom Hanks : [interrupts him, surprised, repeats himself]  Hell no! Hell no! You never throw away a typewriter, I have too much stationary, I can throw away a couple notebooks

  Self - Host : what's the scariest animal?

  Tom Hanks : that would be a type of worm that lives in the sand of beaches in Australia, I'll send you a picture: it'll haunt your dreams

  Self - Host : what happens?

  Tom Hanks : well, they're these "things" and that come up and have these heads and if you look at them close, they honestly look like something like from The Mandalorian and has to flee from Tatooine

  Self - Host : apples or oranges?

  Tom Hanks : I'm gonna go with oranges

  Self - Host : [jokingly]  you know you can't put peanut butter on an orange, right? You can put peanut butter on a slice of apple

  Tom Hanks : that's not why I eat fruit, I don't view fruit as a peanut butter "delivery system"

  Self - Host : have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

  Tom Hanks : ummm... yes

  Self - Host : would you mind sharing who that is?

  Tom Hanks : I thought the very first time I ever went to a baseball game, when I was seven years old, I thought it would be "very easy" just to go down to the Giants' clubhouse in Candlestick Park, explain to everybody around me that I wanted Wille Mays' autograph, I just thought if I crawled out and stuck my head and waved a piece of paper and pen, that Wille Mays would say "Of course, kid" during the game, but we weren't even allowed up close, so I didn't get the autograph I wanted

  Self - Host : what'd you think happens when we die?

  Tom Hanks : I think we get to race automobiles. I think we get to put on crash helmets and beat A. J. Foyt

  Self - Host : favorite action movie?

  Tom Hanks : The Dirty Dozen

  Self - Host : [surprised]  that's what Dick Cavett was talking to Lee Marvin about: The Dirty Dozen. I'm not shitting you, that's literally what Lee Marvin was talking to Cavett about in the interview and because Cavett said "You were in war, how do you feel about the depiction of war in movies?" Some people say The Dirty Dozen glorified war in a way that really shouldn't be "advertised" on screen and he said "Nah, I don't think so"

  Self - Host : [after Hanks laughs]  he said "You know film is really about putting the team together and the training that we did, parachuting into the castle, the palace, whatever it was and all of that was just the second half that we paid off so that the audience could enjoy the first half because they knew that was coming"

  Tom Hanks : [impersonating Marvin, pretending to smoke a cigarette]  "It's always good to kill Nazis, Dick, nothing wrong with killing a Nazis general, I always found it to be a good source of family entertainment

  Self - Host : exactly

  Tom Hanks : I saw "The Dirty Dozen" on a black and white TV in Pan and scan with commercials on it and you could not have convinced me it was not the great motion picture ever made

  Self - Host : [pretending to smoke a cigarette]  "Pretty good movie, nobody wants to see the real thing", that's what he said

  Tom Hanks : [nods]  how about that?

  Self - Host : [pretending to smoke a cigarette]  "nobody wants to go to a newsreel"

  Self - Host : [after Hanks laughs]  ok, favorite smell?

  Tom Hanks : vanilla

  Self - Host : exercise, worth it?

  Self - Host : [before gesturing to his upper body, implying his not physically fit]  yes, you tell me. Let me tighten my sweater

  Self - Host : for a man of your height

  Tom Hanks : it's the "core"

  Self - Host : [referring to how he prefers to drink champagne]  flat or sparkling?

  Tom Hanks : sparkling

  Self - Host : most used app on your phone?

  Tom Hanks : [after thinking it over]  I'm gonna say the camera because I got rid of a bunch of apps

• Self - Host : [asking someone off camera]  does that "qualify" as an "app"?

  Tom Hanks : [asking Colbert]  is that an "app"?

  Self - Host : that is a "capability" of your phone: not an app

  Tom Hanks : I'll go to tune in radio because you listen to any radio station in the world

  Self - Host : dig it. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life, what is it?

  Tom Hanks : [after thinking it over]  I'm gonna say "Our Lips Are Sealed" by The Go-Go's

  Tom Hanks : [after Colbert laughs and takes off his glasses]  what did I do?

  Self - Host : you did nothing but I'm just imagining it "forever", what number am I thinking of?

  Tom Hanks : six

  Self - Host : no, describe the rest of your life in five words

  Tom Hanks : [while lifting his fingers to count the number of words]  " a magnificent cavalcade of color"