The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

In Lockdown: Compilation (2020)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Quotes 

• Geraldine Granger : Well, Hugo. Great joy to have you in my bubble, and I've got a cracking joke for you.

  Hugo Horton : Oh hurrah, because I-I love jokes. I absolutely love them, I literally can't wait.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, you don't have to, because here it comes! It's short and very sweet, a little bit like me! So, Jesus said unto His disciples "Come forth, and thou shalt receive Eternal Life." But Thomas came fifth, so he got a toaster.

  [laughs with her head in her arms] 

  Hugo Horton : [Pitying]  Oh. That was a... that's sad, isn't it?

  [Geraldine's laughter fades] 

  Geraldine Granger : What?

  Hugo Horton : Well, he came so close, b-but he came fifth a-and got a toaster. W-which normally would be amazing but compared to Eternal Life... well, I don't know, that's tough. I think they should have made the prizes more equal.

  Geraldine Granger : No, concentrate. It's wordplay, isn't it? 'Come forth', do you see? Come *forth*.

  Hugo Horton : Well, I wonder who did come fourth. Do you think Thomas could appeal, maybe get an upgrade?

  Geraldine Granger : [Shakes her head]  I give up. It's happening again!

  Hugo Horton : It's alright for you, but for Thomas it's the difference between e-eternity in Heaven and eternity in Hell. With the mild compensation of a couple of toasted crumpets. No no, he should definitely go through the complaints procedure...

  Geraldine Granger : [sings]  Dear Lord and Father of Mankind...

  [Hugo joins in] 

  Geraldine Granger , Hugo Horton : [singing]  ... Forgive our foolish ways.

  Hugo Horton : But you were going to tell me a joke. That'd be a nice end to the day.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, OK. Another one.

  [Hugo smiles broadly] 

  Geraldine Granger : Now, I don't think I've told you this before, but back home I've got a stepladder, because my real ladder left home when I was very young, so... now I've got a stepladder.

  Hugo Horton : [Sadly]  Oh! Oh, that's a terrible story. I-I didn't know, I'm so sorry. Waking up one morning and finding your ladder gone... did it leave a note? What if your stepladder turned out to be a wicked stepladder? Oh no...

  Geraldine Granger : No no no no no no no. Not having this. Go on, off you go. Goodbye. This bubble is burst.

  [Mimes popping a bubble with a pin]