The Happytime Murders (2018)
Bill Barretta: Phil Philips, Junkyard, Boar
Photos
Quotes
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Phil Philips : I never knocked a guy out with his own balls before.
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Phil Philips : Do you have the latest issue of Puppet Pussy Party?
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Phil Philips : If shit gets crazy I'm gonna go crazy as shit.
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Agent Campbell : I'll have your badge for this! I'm in the fuckin' FBI!
Phil Philips : Oh yeah what's that stand for, "fuckin' big idiot?"
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Phil Philips : Hey, look! It's the NRA!
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Phil Philips : [getting beaten on by two inmates] You know I have no bones, right? You're basically fluffing a pillow here.
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Phil Philips : It's over, Sandra.
Sandra : What are you gonna do, shoot me?
Phil Philips : I messed up, Sandra. I missed the shot, and I ruined all of our lives in the process, and I live with that guilt every day. I'm sorry.
Sandra : That's so sweet. But go fuck yourself.
Phil Philips : Larry and Jenny didn't have anything to do with this. None of them did. Why'd you have to keep killing the whole gang?
Sandra : I wanted to watch you suffer. This all started as revenge, but you made me realize I like killing. And I'm really fucking good at it. Like, Manson-level good. And now, with $10 million, I can do anything.
Phil Philips : All right, so you're a psycho.
Sandra : Maybe, but sex is always better with a psycho. Right, honey?
Jenny : Yeah, especially felt ones.
Sandra : Because our vaginas are literally velvet.
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Connie Edwards : [Phil shoots Sandra to save her life] Shit, Phil! That took you long enough, but...
[clapping]
Connie Edwards : Oh.
[whooping]
Connie Edwards : Oo-hoo-hoo! You finally did it, Phily! Attaboy! That was a nice shot. Fuck.
Phil Philips : You all right?
Connie Edwards : Yeah, I'm fine. You did good.
Phil Philips : Yeah. You, too, kid.
Connie Edwards : God, it's very hard to pull off all white like that.
Phil Philips : What?
Connie Edwards : I got to give her that.
Phil Philips : Oh, Jesus Christ.
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Connie Edwards : Look, if we want to get you off the hook for this, we gotta take down Sandra White.
Phil Philips : All right. What are you thinking, partner?
Connie Edwards : I am thinking about busting your ass out of here. Okay.
Phil Philips : What are you gonna do?
[she takes out her gun]
Phil Philips : Wait, what are you doing?
Connie Edwards : [shooting him] I'm gonna shoot you in the arm.
Phil Philips : You *did* shoot me in the arm!
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Agent Campbell : Word on the street is that you did okay.
Lt. Banning : Okay? Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.
Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero. I just got a lucky shot off.
Connie Edwards : Come on.
Agent Campbell : No hard feelings?
Phil Philips : Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.
Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?
Agent Campbell : What?
Connie Edwards : [laughing with Phil] I said, "Asshole says what?". And you said...
Phil Philips : And you said, "What?".
Connie Edwards : 'Cause you're an asshole.
Phil Philips : Yeah.
Agent Campbell : What?
Connie Edwards : [laughing again] Every time.
Phil Philips : Yeah.
Connie Edwards : Always works on assholes.
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Phil Philips : You can't actually like me for these murders.
Agent Campbell : We like you very much for these murders.
Phil Philips : What's my motive?
Agent Campbell : The reason most men do stupid things. A woman.
[he turns the lights off and a one-way mirror to an adjacent room opens]
Agent Campbell : Enjoy the show.
Phil Philips : [seeing Sandra inside] What the hell is she doing here?
Connie Edwards : Who is that?
Phil Philips : It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.
Lt. Banning : Actually, her name is Sandra Peterson. She walked into the federal building this morning and said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.
Phil Philips : Hey, I didn't murder anybody.
Connie Edwards : I didn't know Jenny was even married.
Phil Philips : Neither did I.
Lt. Banning : [turning on the intercom] Let's listen in.
Sandra : Well, he said that he killed them. The entire Happytime Gang, even his own brother.
Phil Philips : What?
Agent Campbell : And why would he do that?
Sandra : We've been having an affair, and he wanted to run away together. He said he killed them all so that I would get my wife Jenny's share, and then I'd be rich, and he could have me all to himself.
Phil Philips : I should have kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.
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Jenny : Drop it, Phil.
Phil Philips : You definitely look hotter than the last time I saw you.
Sandra : You fell for every trap. Men are so stupid.
Jenny : Drop that gun, Phil. I don't wanna hurt you.
Phil Philips : No, you just wanna use me, like Sandra used you.
Jenny : You don't know what you're talking about.
Phil Philips : Oh, come on, Jenny. She seduced you and married you just to get to me.
Sandra : Shoot him, baby.
Jenny : I don't know, babe. It's, like, he's not gonna sprout wings and fly after us. I think we should just get on the plane and take off. We're free and clear already.
Phil Philips : Jenny, Jenny, listen to me, listen to me. 12 years ago, I took an innocent man's life. That man was Sandra's father.
Sandra : [whacking Sandra upside the head with a suitcase] By the way, I want a divorce.
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[last lines]
Phil Philips : [narrating] Maybe puppets do have a chance for a happy ending. Happy ending? Jesus, I still can't get that squirting cow out of my head.
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Connie Edwards : I know I didn't have your back before, but I had no juice to do it with, and now I do. The "Happytime" murders aren't about the money. 20 years ago, when you shot that man in front of his daughter, that little girl was Sandra White.
Phil Philips : Holy shit.
Connie Edwards : Yeah, holy shit.
Phil Philips : So you have proof?
Connie Edwards : Yes and no. We had proof until it was incinerated.
Phil Philips : Hmm.
Connie Edwards : Bubbles and I may have accidentally, uh, burned down the evidence.
Phil Philips : What?
Connie Edwards : But, boy, before that, I'll tell you what, lock her up.
Phil Philips : Well, that would've been great, huh?
Connie Edwards : Would have been epic.
Phil Philips : Would have been nice.
Connie Edwards : Yeah.
Phil Philips : See you at my execution.
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Agent Campbell : Freeze, Philips!
Phil Philips : You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.
Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
Phil Philips : Okay, I'm dropping it.
Connie Edwards : [seeing the stand-off] Oh, shitcakes.
Agent Campbell : Edwards! Drop the weapon!
[she starts to lower it]
Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
Connie Edwards : I did!
Agent Campbell : Now!
Connie Edwards : What? Somebody wanna help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here? 'Cause he's obviously fuckin' blind.
Agent Campbell : Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.
Phil Philips : Jesus Christ.
Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?
Agent Campbell : What?
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Bubbles : You know, you gave me quite a scare there. I thought I was gonna lose you.
Phil Philips : Sweetheart, you're never gonna lose me. Bubbles, hey, you know, I was thinking...
Bubbles : You were?
Phil Philips : Yeah. They broke the mold when they made you.
Bubbles : They did?
Phil Philips : And I'd like to take you out to dinner, you know, someplace special.
Bubbles : You mean, like, on a date?
Phil Philips : Yeah. Like a date.
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Sandra : Stop right there!
Phil Philips : Oh, what the fuck? Ewards! You all right?
Connie Edwards : [with a gun to her head] It's deja fucking vu, Phil.
Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no. Oh, fuck me, it's a gun to the head. How'd she get the drop on you?
Connie Edwards : 'Cause she's like a fuckin' spider monkey.
Phil Philips : Damn! She got me that way, too.
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Lt. Banning : Good work, you two. I knew you had it in you.
Phil Philips : Oh, thanks, Lieutenant.
Lt. Banning : Edwards, you're off suspension.
Connie Edwards : Thanks, Lieu.
Lt. Banning : And, Phil, I talked to the captain, and he put in a motion with the mayor's office to permanently repeal the Philips Code.
Phil Philips : What?
Lt. Banning : I know it's early, but... what the heck?
[offering Phil his police shield]
Lt. Banning : I've had this sitting in my desk, waiting for this day.
Phil Philips : Wow.
Connie Edwards : How about that? Far be it from me to compliment you, but you're the best damn cop I've ever seen.
Phil Philips : Oh, well, you're no bag of shit, either.
Connie Edwards : Well, you're a real fucking poet, aren't you? You asshole.
Lt. Banning : You are both equally not bags of shit. In fact, when you're working together, you're two peas in a little fucked-up pod.